{ok...I'm going to be honest with you and am in no way trying to offer advice where it's no wanted. I respect you deeply, you are insightful and a fellow dreamer as myself and seem to going soem og the same routes I have so this is me imparting some of my wisdom so here it goes}
I read through you journal as long as what's on the first page. I was a nerd in high school, as you are lol and that turned into an illusion. I devoted sooo much of my energies into my studies and got alot out but the expense wasn't worth it. As you I have a fear of rejection and being alone as most people do. Because of this I became an outsider and just kept pushing people away rejecting them before they could me. I just escaped to my dreamland just as I did in my youth and took refuge in my sanctuary. I'm sure you know what a self fulfilling prophecy is. If you tell yourself you're destined to be alone you're jinxing your you big time. You are an intelligent girl but you do have needs and desires that I know you deny yourself and its eating away at you. School is just a steping block, there is more to be experienced and learned out there than can ever be put in a text book. Even hangin out with friends what going into idle conversations expand your mind. Today I was hanging out with friends and asked "what are smitherines?, I've hear of things being blown to them but I can't quite see it in my head..."; This alone turned into a 20 minute conversation. I gues what I'm trying to say is what give life meaning are the relationships we build and the experineces we lead. Nothing else matters because everything else is transient and fleeting but your memories and your love will always be carried with you...
I love when you impart wisdom lol, and your advice is always welcome. I must say there aren't many I listen to, but I just can't seem to tune you out, nor would I ever want to. I thank you for reading my entries, now you know how truly boring I am. (I've been exposed lol) I think my problem is the fact that I feel that no one has gone through what I've been through. Yet, I know this is far from the truth. That is partly why I commented on your journal entry that first time. Your words spoke to me, and they touched me, and for once I felt as if I wasn't alone. I had this friend about a year ago who I lost due to some unknown reason, I'm still trying to figure it out. But I've learned to move on. I learned so much from this person while we were friends it was amazing. I fear though that I put this person on somewhat of a pedestal and I relied greatly on them. This person helped me to get over my fears or at least most of them, and I owe this individual so much. But perhaps it wasn't meant to be as they escaped my life. Maybe they were only meant to stay for awhile, to help me grow, and to open my eyes and allow me to realize that I was as strong as they were telling me I was. It's funny, we can't rely completely on ourselves, and yet we can't rely completely on the people who have graced our lives. We need an equal dose of both for the medication to be just right. People are so mind boggling.
What gives life meaning are the experiences we lead and the relationships we build...there is no good or bad because there is always wisdom which you can take through you in life even if those relationships and experiences hurt us.
I read through you journal as long as what's on the first page. I was a nerd in high school, as you are lol and that turned into an illusion. I devoted sooo much of my energies into my studies and got alot out but the expense wasn't worth it. As you I have a fear of rejection and being alone as most people do. Because of this I became an outsider and just kept pushing people away rejecting them before they could me. I just escaped to my dreamland just as I did in my youth and took refuge in my sanctuary. I'm sure you know what a self fulfilling prophecy is. If you tell yourself you're destined to be alone you're jinxing your you big time. You are an intelligent girl but you do have needs and desires that I know you deny yourself and its eating away at you. School is just a steping block, there is more to be experienced and learned out there than can ever be put in a text book. Even hangin out with friends what going into idle conversations expand your mind. Today I was hanging out with friends and asked "what are smitherines?, I've hear of things being blown to them but I can't quite see it in my head..."; This alone turned into a 20 minute conversation. I gues what I'm trying to say is what give life meaning are the relationships we build and the experineces we lead. Nothing else matters because everything else is transient and fleeting but your memories and your love will always be carried with you...
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