(no subject)
Its funny, I only seem to use this thing when I'm bored, contemplative, incredibly upset, or inexplicably happy. Now would be an "incredibly upset" entry. Its not even that I'm upset, it's more I'm just tired. I'm so tired of everything. It seems to me that I'm losing this constant battle against myself, others, school, life, whatever the case may be. And throughout all of this tiredness, and struggle I've come to realize my worst fear. I used to think it was having everyone I love die. But I was wrong. Today in Mr. Eimmerman's class he referred to the movie Jerry Mcquire. I have yet to see this movie but after giving it much thought, I realize I have something in common with the main character. Jerry Mcguire's worst fear was- being alone. And its ironic, even though I fear being alone, I am constantly pushing otheres away. I'm so damn scared that people will judge me and I'm scared of being hurt by them. I would just love to have one person that I could totally just let go 100%. See I found that person, but I lost them. I guess thats partly where my fear comes from. I lost the only person I could truly trust, and the only person who knew everything about me. And god, I probably sound so damn repitive cause I always talk about them. Nicole knows what I mean lol and I apologize. But its not even them, its the fact that now, yet again, I fear I'm losing someone else. Someone who has been my best friend since 4th grade. God, without them I dont know what I would do. Have I done something wrong? Maybe its the fact that I've have an extra 2 hours of math every day after school this week, and maybe its the fact that my course selection has been going downhill, or maybe its the fact that for 2 months I wont have a social life because my weekends will be occupied by my SAT practice class or maybe its just the fact that I can't seem to handle all the pressure. 17 and I'm already going crazy. I dont think thats necessarily a good thing.
Its gotten to the point that everythings so bad, you just have to laugh about it. lol Nicole and Taylor. What lives we lead ;-)