Even the sweetest dreams could become a nightmare...
No..I'm sure the subject has nothing to do with my post. It's just been one of my favorite little sayings for the past few weeks, who knows why. Anyhow...things are tough. I never thought being away from my husband this long would effect me the way it has. I feel...depressed..and lonely...and it's really getting to me. Taking care of a daughter alone is no easy feat, but I'm sure I could've done worse. She's growing tall, already peeking her head over the side of the pack and play. She's walking around now too...with help of course..but she's got the whole leg motions down packed. She's eating real, whole green beans (at least she likes her vegetables. ^_^). She's all around, doing great. I'm proud of myself! *gives herself a pat on the back* I think I deserve it.
Anyhow, I'm planning to visit Stephen next month. I know it's alot of money..that could be spent on bills. But I have this feeling..that if I don't see him, our relationship will only get worse. The distance is tearing me apart, but then again, I've never been one for long distance relationships. I just keep remembering Stephanie..and how far her and I lived from eachother..and how hard she tried to make it work. My excuse to her...I didn't know if I could keep on with a relationship with someone that I couldn't see every morning, or fall asleep with every night. -_- And now...that is holding true for this relationship. I'm sure we won't separate...I care about him too much to be without him. It just..bothers me, ya know? Sometimes I feel like he's not telling me the truth..and if he is...then he's not human! He tells me he's never so much as glanced at another girl, or had dreams about anyone else but me. It's not like you can really control your ever dream, that would get exauhsting after awhile. And as far as so much as glancing at an attractive person? Its human nature to look at other people! It just..happens! -_- Perhaps, I'm simply so upset because he makes me feel so...imperfect. Yes, I look at other guys, I still flirt...I'm sorry! It just..happens. As long as I don't follow through with anything..I don't feel like there's anything wrong with it in the least. There is NOTHING wrong with harmless flirting...though everytime I talk to him, I feel guilty. Like I've done something completely and utterly terrible. I've just got..so much going through my head, it's impossible to decifer. Maybe I really am going crazy. ^_^ Ah..I'm rambling on again! Not making much sense! Eh..I do it all the time. Sorry for all you people reading this. -_- I tend to ramble from time to time
IN OTHER NEWS>>> no..not really. -_- Welp, I do love him...I just wish he'd talk to me more. For instance...the other day...he brought his MOTHER into the middle of our problem. HIS MOTHER for christsake. You know how pissed off that made me? He said it was because he wanted to make sure his mother could explain to me that he had to devote more time to his studies and less time talking to me, because he was falling behind. FOR ONE...whenever we're on the phone..we barely talk to eachother as it is. So what do I care if I get less phonecalls during the week? And TWO. Why the HELL would I be upset because he couldn't call me more? WE NEVER TALK IN THE FIRST PLACE! *takes a deep breath* The only thing that pissed me off...was the fact that he called his mother and told her about it before he told me. THEN...he asked his mother to be here in the room with me when he called to explain to me what was going on. I'm not an idiot..I don't need someone to hold my hand and explain to me what's going on. I am PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF UNDERSTANDING GODDAMNIT! *takes another deep breath* It just makes him seem like..such a momma's boy. Then last night he had the nerve to tell me he was doing all this airforce stuff for me. I don't want him to do it for me. I never wanted him to do it for me. I wanted him to do it for himself..so that we wouldn't be living with his parents for the rest of our lives, with no privacy, no nothing. I don't want to live in a room for the rest of my life damnit. I want my own house, my own bedroom, bathroom, livingroom. My own yard and driveway. I don't want to live in a stuffy room that shares the wall with his parents. No..I wanted him to do this for himself..because he always complained about living with his parents. Because he wanted to become something. Because he was lazy, and unorganized, and the military fixed that. (well..it didn't fix his budget problem..but..we're working on it..and..he's still lazy.. -_- Guess I asked for too much...).
THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS 15 MINUTE RAMBLE?! I...hate men. I knew I should've become a lesbian LONG ago. ^_^ No..not really. The point is..I guess...that no one is perfect..not even him. And perhaps..he needs to realize..that it's O.K.!! Ah..life would be so much easier if people simply said everything that was on they're minds...and others weren't so quick to be offended. ^_^
Anyhow, I'm planning to visit Stephen next month. I know it's alot of money..that could be spent on bills. But I have this feeling..that if I don't see him, our relationship will only get worse. The distance is tearing me apart, but then again, I've never been one for long distance relationships. I just keep remembering Stephanie..and how far her and I lived from eachother..and how hard she tried to make it work. My excuse to her...I didn't know if I could keep on with a relationship with someone that I couldn't see every morning, or fall asleep with every night. -_- And now...that is holding true for this relationship. I'm sure we won't separate...I care about him too much to be without him. It just..bothers me, ya know? Sometimes I feel like he's not telling me the truth..and if he is...then he's not human! He tells me he's never so much as glanced at another girl, or had dreams about anyone else but me. It's not like you can really control your ever dream, that would get exauhsting after awhile. And as far as so much as glancing at an attractive person? Its human nature to look at other people! It just..happens! -_- Perhaps, I'm simply so upset because he makes me feel so...imperfect. Yes, I look at other guys, I still flirt...I'm sorry! It just..happens. As long as I don't follow through with anything..I don't feel like there's anything wrong with it in the least. There is NOTHING wrong with harmless flirting...though everytime I talk to him, I feel guilty. Like I've done something completely and utterly terrible. I've just got..so much going through my head, it's impossible to decifer. Maybe I really am going crazy. ^_^ Ah..I'm rambling on again! Not making much sense! Eh..I do it all the time. Sorry for all you people reading this. -_- I tend to ramble from time to time
IN OTHER NEWS>>> no..not really. -_- Welp, I do love him...I just wish he'd talk to me more. For instance...the other day...he brought his MOTHER into the middle of our problem. HIS MOTHER for christsake. You know how pissed off that made me? He said it was because he wanted to make sure his mother could explain to me that he had to devote more time to his studies and less time talking to me, because he was falling behind. FOR ONE...whenever we're on the phone..we barely talk to eachother as it is. So what do I care if I get less phonecalls during the week? And TWO. Why the HELL would I be upset because he couldn't call me more? WE NEVER TALK IN THE FIRST PLACE! *takes a deep breath* The only thing that pissed me off...was the fact that he called his mother and told her about it before he told me. THEN...he asked his mother to be here in the room with me when he called to explain to me what was going on. I'm not an idiot..I don't need someone to hold my hand and explain to me what's going on. I am PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF UNDERSTANDING GODDAMNIT! *takes another deep breath* It just makes him seem like..such a momma's boy. Then last night he had the nerve to tell me he was doing all this airforce stuff for me. I don't want him to do it for me. I never wanted him to do it for me. I wanted him to do it for himself..so that we wouldn't be living with his parents for the rest of our lives, with no privacy, no nothing. I don't want to live in a room for the rest of my life damnit. I want my own house, my own bedroom, bathroom, livingroom. My own yard and driveway. I don't want to live in a stuffy room that shares the wall with his parents. No..I wanted him to do this for himself..because he always complained about living with his parents. Because he wanted to become something. Because he was lazy, and unorganized, and the military fixed that. (well..it didn't fix his budget problem..but..we're working on it..and..he's still lazy.. -_- Guess I asked for too much...).
THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS 15 MINUTE RAMBLE?! I...hate men. I knew I should've become a lesbian LONG ago. ^_^ No..not really. The point is..I guess...that no one is perfect..not even him. And perhaps..he needs to realize..that it's O.K.!! Ah..life would be so much easier if people simply said everything that was on they're minds...and others weren't so quick to be offended. ^_^