Breathless...

Jul 04, 2005 21:04

This seriously has to the THE WORST 4th of July I ever had. I am so MAD, and HURT, and CONFUSED, and just plain UPSET. I can't believe that way that ive been treated by the one I love... yes, no matter how much I hate him right now, there will still always be love, I hate saying this considering I don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing this. The fact that I love him is the reason why he can hurt me so much. I don't think he ever really loved me, I think that I was just a fascination, an attachment. Are men really capable of true love? Possibly, but few I suspect. I had been looking forward to today for a whole week, I had it planned perfectly, I even went out and bought a new outfit so that I would look especially cute to see Him. SO I get home from work, and I get dressed, my plan was to stay home in the air conditioning until it got dark, and then go and see Dan when the sun went down so it wouldnt be too hot. Shortly afterwards, I recieved a call from my best friend Lauren, inviting me to stop over and catch up with some old friends, so I thought, ok, a quick stop over before I head over to my final destination. What would that hurt? Shortly after arriving I recieve a call from my boyfriend, I inform him of where I am, and to my displeasure, hes extremely angry! Now, we have fights on this subject all the time, he thinks that I don't make enough time for him, and I think he tries to control my life too much, it feels to me, that he dosent want me to have a life. I simply explained to him that I was only stopping over for a moment, and he starts FREAKING OUT!! Saying that I'm selfish for seeing my friends before him and many other insulting things, we both got so worked up that we were throwing curses at each other left and right, he told me, that he hopes that I get a boyfriend who treats me like shit and beats the shit out of me because thats what I deserve. I sat there thinking, looks like I already have one who treats me like shit, no matter how much he denys it, and thinks he treated me so great. heh, yeah right. It ended in, don't see me anymore were over and all of that. So in my anger, I race over to his present location, and give him back his bracelets, I calmly tried to talk to him, and he became aggrivated instantly, screaming in my face!!! I'm so selfish and blah blah blah!! FOR HAVING FRIENDS. Ya, thats sooooo selfish! He knew I was going to see him. So we screamed every mean comment at each other possible, you know the usual "I hate your fucking guts, I hope you die, you piece of shit, he called me a bitch and a cunt, I told him he had a big head and a small dick, and then I told him that he was mental and he needed to up his dosage" He said "don't come crawling back to me, because I never want you again" heh, fat chance. ... Geez, the things we say when were angry, Well, I didnt really mean everything I said, I get carried away in self-defense, and that fact that he hurt me immensely, but I think he meant every word. Thats why I have come to the conclusion that he has never loved me, really.
I know that I love(ed) him from the bottom of my heart, he was my world, I would have done anything for him, cut of my right arm if he needed it, I spent every second of every day thinking of him, and I was blinded by love. I gave myself to him, and even through all this hatered and hurt, I am astonished at myself for still feeling strong feelings of love even after all of that. Why? Why did I have to fall in love with him? Returned it was not. I think he was fake with me the first 5-6 months, and then the real Dan came out, this Dan, that I neither knew, nor liked. But still always loved, which what kept me with him. I know that this is probably the last goodbye, but right now The emptyness has sunk in, and I sit here feeling like I lost a huge part of me, and my heart sinks, the reality rushes over me, knowing that its all over, and I am greatly saddened, even over my yet again, ANGER. That, my friends, is the root of all problems. As of right now, I don't know where my life is going to take me from here. Maybe I'll fall in love with someone else, by honestly, I don't think so, I don't want to, not yet anyway. I guess that I need to go through the first stage of depression, and lonelyness, get used to not having anyone and being by myself, no companion. Just me. This will be a huge, very difficult adjustment for me. One of which I am greatly dreading in fact. Because that Love that I always had at least, will always linger. I just want to ask you this one question and I want the true answer, did you ever truely love me back?
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