(no subject)
so.....camp...
worst weekend ive had in a long time...
sucks bc camp is usually where i can go to wind down from everything going on but it just ignited this hatred and fury that ive been supressing for a long time now...
i talked to my counselor from this past summer, Annie, and she seriously thinks i need counceling like professional help...
i talked to her bc she was around when i was talking about all the stuff that had been going on over the summer with my dad and about that past winter too when things started going down the hole big time
so she thinks i need help...in the back of my head i say NO but i know i need it but im not willing to go out and find it...im screwed up a little more than i thought i was...some of the stuff that was coming out of my mouth, i couldnt believe i was actually saying the things i was saying...i had been thinking all this stuff and it just felt weird to actually hear it come out of my mouth...
the speaker really made me question why God would put me through something like this...and i dont understand it...why he is tearing apart my family why he took my dad away and why my mom is acting how she is and how ive been dealing with it trying to numb all my feelings
its nice when i get to a state of mind when i dont have to think about anything i can just sit there and not worry about anything...man is it nice
or how im going about getting attention that i feel i need...no one pays attention to me at home so i need to find some from somewhere
i have no adult looking out for me and keeping tabs on me so ive pushed certain limits and i know what i can get away with now...
i know theres something wrong with me but apparently this depression isnt going to go away any time soon so i have to deal with it some how
just when i think it goes away it comes back full force so ive decided im gonna stop avoiding it but i have to say im doing a mighty fine job hiding it from everyone around me...im awsome!!
i mean look im sitting here writing all this crap that i know sounds crazy but it makes sense in my head and i know i shouldnt be telling anyone also why i told annie bc she cant do anything about it...she wants me to e-mail her the # of my youth pastor so she can talk to him but i havent decided if i want to or not...i love her for listening and i trust her bc shes not here to tell anyone about it bc honestly nothing is ever going to get better...its just going to continue to get worse and it will get worse if im forced to talk to someone i dont know and wouldnt tell anything to to begin with.
i never wanted my life to be like this
so dark and depressing and sad
and fearful
or sick or as twisted as it has become
i just wanted to be like every other kid
normal not like this
not like this ever
no matter how much therapy i may go through if ever, its not gonna take the pain away
its permanent and theres nothing i can do to make it go away
all i can do is hide it
and discuise it from u from me from anyone i want
worst weekend ive had in a long time...
sucks bc camp is usually where i can go to wind down from everything going on but it just ignited this hatred and fury that ive been supressing for a long time now...
i talked to my counselor from this past summer, Annie, and she seriously thinks i need counceling like professional help...
i talked to her bc she was around when i was talking about all the stuff that had been going on over the summer with my dad and about that past winter too when things started going down the hole big time
so she thinks i need help...in the back of my head i say NO but i know i need it but im not willing to go out and find it...im screwed up a little more than i thought i was...some of the stuff that was coming out of my mouth, i couldnt believe i was actually saying the things i was saying...i had been thinking all this stuff and it just felt weird to actually hear it come out of my mouth...
the speaker really made me question why God would put me through something like this...and i dont understand it...why he is tearing apart my family why he took my dad away and why my mom is acting how she is and how ive been dealing with it trying to numb all my feelings
its nice when i get to a state of mind when i dont have to think about anything i can just sit there and not worry about anything...man is it nice
or how im going about getting attention that i feel i need...no one pays attention to me at home so i need to find some from somewhere
i have no adult looking out for me and keeping tabs on me so ive pushed certain limits and i know what i can get away with now...
i know theres something wrong with me but apparently this depression isnt going to go away any time soon so i have to deal with it some how
just when i think it goes away it comes back full force so ive decided im gonna stop avoiding it but i have to say im doing a mighty fine job hiding it from everyone around me...im awsome!!
i mean look im sitting here writing all this crap that i know sounds crazy but it makes sense in my head and i know i shouldnt be telling anyone also why i told annie bc she cant do anything about it...she wants me to e-mail her the # of my youth pastor so she can talk to him but i havent decided if i want to or not...i love her for listening and i trust her bc shes not here to tell anyone about it bc honestly nothing is ever going to get better...its just going to continue to get worse and it will get worse if im forced to talk to someone i dont know and wouldnt tell anything to to begin with.
i never wanted my life to be like this
so dark and depressing and sad
and fearful
or sick or as twisted as it has become
i just wanted to be like every other kid
normal not like this
not like this ever
no matter how much therapy i may go through if ever, its not gonna take the pain away
its permanent and theres nothing i can do to make it go away
all i can do is hide it
and discuise it from u from me from anyone i want