What's meant to be...
Funny thing, fate. I have an incredible amount of faith that all things happen for a reason. Which is an incredibly ridiculous thing to believe in to be perfectly honest. And I know it is. But I just want something to believe in sometimes when things go ridiculously badly.
Up until roughly 1pm this afternoon the visit from Chris was going really well. We were getting on fine, spent all day shopping (well me browsing) which was fun - and he bought a huge slab of chocolate from Hotel Chocolat. Which hes left here apparently deliberately.
I went downstairs to make some lunch for us, intending him to follow. But he didnt and I was like what's going on. So I go back upstairs to find him sitting in his chair like a zombie. And bam! In a second I know something is Wrong. Eventually he just says 'I picked up your phone by mistake'. Curse him for buying the same phone as mine. It happens every five seconds. But he literally didnt realise until it was too late - he'd pressed the message button and I'd left a certain one open. I do belive him when he says he didnt mean to. He's never purposefully read my messages before and he had no reason to start now. But it resulted in spending 3 whole hours in near enough total silence whilst I tried to explain what was going on. And why I hadn't told him.
Ex's being your best friend is difficult, people. I was honestly going to say something but not until he'd left. Though I came close to blabbing about five times over the weekend. I knew he'd react like he did. I can't please everyone, it's sucking the life out of me. It's so difficult and complicated with him. It's impossible not to feel heaps for him as we ended so amicably (way back in December). And the fact neither of us has met someone else (well I came close but that one wasnt going anywhere) just makes it impact even harder. And theres even more to it than that where this whole things concerned which I can't even be bothered to say.
I just don't know what I want anymore. I don't want to hurt him but I have. I want to think about myself first for once, and get out of this dreadful habit of worrying about what he'll think of me. Unfortunately he knows me better than anyone and his opinion always means the most.
I gave him such a shit time here in the end. I feel like the worst person ever.
Up until roughly 1pm this afternoon the visit from Chris was going really well. We were getting on fine, spent all day shopping (well me browsing) which was fun - and he bought a huge slab of chocolate from Hotel Chocolat. Which hes left here apparently deliberately.
I went downstairs to make some lunch for us, intending him to follow. But he didnt and I was like what's going on. So I go back upstairs to find him sitting in his chair like a zombie. And bam! In a second I know something is Wrong. Eventually he just says 'I picked up your phone by mistake'. Curse him for buying the same phone as mine. It happens every five seconds. But he literally didnt realise until it was too late - he'd pressed the message button and I'd left a certain one open. I do belive him when he says he didnt mean to. He's never purposefully read my messages before and he had no reason to start now. But it resulted in spending 3 whole hours in near enough total silence whilst I tried to explain what was going on. And why I hadn't told him.
Ex's being your best friend is difficult, people. I was honestly going to say something but not until he'd left. Though I came close to blabbing about five times over the weekend. I knew he'd react like he did. I can't please everyone, it's sucking the life out of me. It's so difficult and complicated with him. It's impossible not to feel heaps for him as we ended so amicably (way back in December). And the fact neither of us has met someone else (well I came close but that one wasnt going anywhere) just makes it impact even harder. And theres even more to it than that where this whole things concerned which I can't even be bothered to say.
I just don't know what I want anymore. I don't want to hurt him but I have. I want to think about myself first for once, and get out of this dreadful habit of worrying about what he'll think of me. Unfortunately he knows me better than anyone and his opinion always means the most.
I gave him such a shit time here in the end. I feel like the worst person ever.