You belong among the wildflowers...
It is October again, and I am 33. Ha, just accidentally typed “22” and had to delete it. Such a long way from 22...
Another busy year has passed. I’ve been mulling over the past year, trying to figure out what I would journal about. How have I changed or grown? What new understandings and approaches have I gained? Have I moved forward or fallen back?
To be honest, most of the time I am caught up in the day-to-day schedule and routine and problem-solving, the emotions that go along with the current Luke destruction or Charlotte chatter or pregnancy developments.
This has been the first whole year in our new home, and it has been a different sort of year. It is the first full year where the future has seemed so apparent and the future possibilities so tangible and predictable. Instead of processing who I’ve been and what has changed, we are in a new place where we are able to look forward and build life around the future we want. I have been able to project forward and imagine what my future might be like, what the future ME might be like.
It is hard to quantify, but I do think I have reached some mindful acceptance of certain aspects of myself. I feel like I better understand the type of adult woman I am/will be. I better understand some of my strengths, personality traits, and underlying weaknesses. For example, it has become clear to me that anxiety and depression aren’t phases in my life that I should be ashamed of or expect to permanently fix, but rather fairly constant baselines that I can identify and ride like waves. I can accept (sometimes better than others) that they are crosses I will probably carry through my entire life, and it is okay for me to slow down and acknowledge them when they are bad, ask for help, and give myself time and space to move through them. And to appreciate days when I feel good and notice life habits that help me have more better days.
I am learning more about my social needs. A year of isolation without regular interactions, especially this summer while in my first trimester with no school routine, has made it more apparent than ever that human interaction helps me stay balanced, process anxiety in a healthy way, and avoid the sadness that comes from sitting around alone. I have recently taken a few “brave” steps to try to build more relationship into my life. Jeff summarized it well a few weeks ago: “You have to get your dopamine somewhere.” Friendly interaction helps to fill the dopamine need. (Hopefully in time, I will be at a point where I can say “friends” instead of “friendly interaction.” It takes time.)
I have also begun to realize how much anxiety impacts every other facet of my life. Anxiety about a few photo responsibilities or about guests coming to visit can change my entire outlook on life. It makes me tired; it makes me angry about everything and less resilient in situations of entropy or change; it makes ALL tasks seem more overwhelming; it makes me eat and sleep poorly. I am not totally sure yet how to compartmentalize my anxiety about specific tasks so it doesn’t spill over and affect every aspect of life and family. But noticing the pattern is obviously the first step. Some things that have helped me manage my anxiety are Linda’s help (HUGE impact!), consistent sleep, getting out and having a daily routine, regular social interaction, and accomplishing a few small tasks early in the day. And caffeine. A morning cup of tea does seem to give me enough energy to push through until evening without collapsing. Keeping my phone on the counter and away from my spastic, addicted little paws also seems to improve my mental clarity and stability. Getting outside to work or relax also seems to recalibrate my mood. When I am no longer pregnant or nursing, I think Wellbutrin has also been helpful to smooth the worst anxiety spikes, and I will likely consider it again.
Despite the swings of anxiety and depression, I am happy with the life we are building here. I love our home and our land. I love Jeff and our kids and feel excited about our new little baby on the way. I think Jeff and I have been able to carve out some good times to connect and reinforce our friendship and marriage and goals. I am continuing to accept my talents and my quirks, my strengths and limitations. I have been contemplating the pace of life I want to live and considering that it is okay for some seasons of life to be slow. I feel some acceptance that I do not have to be perfect to create a life that is perfect for me. This quote has been especially impactful this year: “Nothing in nature blooms all year. Be patient with yourself.” I am accepting that life is cyclical, that nothing bad stays so bad forever, and that it is important to stop and enjoy good things while they are happening. I would like to grow in my ability to be present.
I have been blessed with the most wonderful children, so full of joy and love and personality and creativity and humor. Charlotte is thriving at SMS. She is so hungry to observe and convey things about her world through reading and writing. She is a girl after my own heart, perched in Ms. Maple’s branches, barefoot, with her notebook and pencil. Luke continues to become funnier and wittier all the time, and I’m hopeful that one day his speech will catch up to everything going on inside his mind. His budding expressions of affection and development of his own rituals and imagination are so endearing. And his self-potty-training process seems to be moving along well, without the fighting and exhaustion that would’ve come with forcing him before he was ready.
Our collective identity as a Genda family team is wonderful. I love being on this team, and I love seeing the kids thriving in the security of this home life we have created together. We have so incredibly much to be thankful for.
Long-winded post, trying to tease out some of the vague notions churning around in the corners of my mind. Overall, I think I am doing okay as a 33-year-old wife, mother, homemaker, creator, school volunteer, friend... I am not a perfect person, and I fight against my own set of handicaps, but I have lots to offer and am capable of many good things. I am capable of learning new things, growing in wisdom, creating beauty, and finding peace. My life and future are blessed and full of promise.
I am grateful for a morning to meditate on another year of life. I am grateful for my sweet little family who loves me so well who will celebrate with me today.
Love,
Melinda
Another busy year has passed. I’ve been mulling over the past year, trying to figure out what I would journal about. How have I changed or grown? What new understandings and approaches have I gained? Have I moved forward or fallen back?
To be honest, most of the time I am caught up in the day-to-day schedule and routine and problem-solving, the emotions that go along with the current Luke destruction or Charlotte chatter or pregnancy developments.
This has been the first whole year in our new home, and it has been a different sort of year. It is the first full year where the future has seemed so apparent and the future possibilities so tangible and predictable. Instead of processing who I’ve been and what has changed, we are in a new place where we are able to look forward and build life around the future we want. I have been able to project forward and imagine what my future might be like, what the future ME might be like.
It is hard to quantify, but I do think I have reached some mindful acceptance of certain aspects of myself. I feel like I better understand the type of adult woman I am/will be. I better understand some of my strengths, personality traits, and underlying weaknesses. For example, it has become clear to me that anxiety and depression aren’t phases in my life that I should be ashamed of or expect to permanently fix, but rather fairly constant baselines that I can identify and ride like waves. I can accept (sometimes better than others) that they are crosses I will probably carry through my entire life, and it is okay for me to slow down and acknowledge them when they are bad, ask for help, and give myself time and space to move through them. And to appreciate days when I feel good and notice life habits that help me have more better days.
I am learning more about my social needs. A year of isolation without regular interactions, especially this summer while in my first trimester with no school routine, has made it more apparent than ever that human interaction helps me stay balanced, process anxiety in a healthy way, and avoid the sadness that comes from sitting around alone. I have recently taken a few “brave” steps to try to build more relationship into my life. Jeff summarized it well a few weeks ago: “You have to get your dopamine somewhere.” Friendly interaction helps to fill the dopamine need. (Hopefully in time, I will be at a point where I can say “friends” instead of “friendly interaction.” It takes time.)
I have also begun to realize how much anxiety impacts every other facet of my life. Anxiety about a few photo responsibilities or about guests coming to visit can change my entire outlook on life. It makes me tired; it makes me angry about everything and less resilient in situations of entropy or change; it makes ALL tasks seem more overwhelming; it makes me eat and sleep poorly. I am not totally sure yet how to compartmentalize my anxiety about specific tasks so it doesn’t spill over and affect every aspect of life and family. But noticing the pattern is obviously the first step. Some things that have helped me manage my anxiety are Linda’s help (HUGE impact!), consistent sleep, getting out and having a daily routine, regular social interaction, and accomplishing a few small tasks early in the day. And caffeine. A morning cup of tea does seem to give me enough energy to push through until evening without collapsing. Keeping my phone on the counter and away from my spastic, addicted little paws also seems to improve my mental clarity and stability. Getting outside to work or relax also seems to recalibrate my mood. When I am no longer pregnant or nursing, I think Wellbutrin has also been helpful to smooth the worst anxiety spikes, and I will likely consider it again.
Despite the swings of anxiety and depression, I am happy with the life we are building here. I love our home and our land. I love Jeff and our kids and feel excited about our new little baby on the way. I think Jeff and I have been able to carve out some good times to connect and reinforce our friendship and marriage and goals. I am continuing to accept my talents and my quirks, my strengths and limitations. I have been contemplating the pace of life I want to live and considering that it is okay for some seasons of life to be slow. I feel some acceptance that I do not have to be perfect to create a life that is perfect for me. This quote has been especially impactful this year: “Nothing in nature blooms all year. Be patient with yourself.” I am accepting that life is cyclical, that nothing bad stays so bad forever, and that it is important to stop and enjoy good things while they are happening. I would like to grow in my ability to be present.
I have been blessed with the most wonderful children, so full of joy and love and personality and creativity and humor. Charlotte is thriving at SMS. She is so hungry to observe and convey things about her world through reading and writing. She is a girl after my own heart, perched in Ms. Maple’s branches, barefoot, with her notebook and pencil. Luke continues to become funnier and wittier all the time, and I’m hopeful that one day his speech will catch up to everything going on inside his mind. His budding expressions of affection and development of his own rituals and imagination are so endearing. And his self-potty-training process seems to be moving along well, without the fighting and exhaustion that would’ve come with forcing him before he was ready.
Our collective identity as a Genda family team is wonderful. I love being on this team, and I love seeing the kids thriving in the security of this home life we have created together. We have so incredibly much to be thankful for.
Long-winded post, trying to tease out some of the vague notions churning around in the corners of my mind. Overall, I think I am doing okay as a 33-year-old wife, mother, homemaker, creator, school volunteer, friend... I am not a perfect person, and I fight against my own set of handicaps, but I have lots to offer and am capable of many good things. I am capable of learning new things, growing in wisdom, creating beauty, and finding peace. My life and future are blessed and full of promise.
I am grateful for a morning to meditate on another year of life. I am grateful for my sweet little family who loves me so well who will celebrate with me today.
Love,
Melinda