Energy
I'm here because I'm having a hard time. I don't have enough energy to handle my life. I've even pursued blood tests, hoping to find a reason for this crippling fatigue. Nothing.
It comes to a head with the kids. I don't enjoy being with my kids. I love them and know deeply that they are precious, funny, bright, amazing kids. I love them so much. But I dread being with them and feel restless around them. I spend most of my days looking forward to when I can be away from them. When I can rest.
I don't have enough energy to be in constant conversation with Charlotte. I don't have enough energy to roll around and rough-house with them, or take them to the playground so they can use their energy in constructive ways. I don't have enough energy to be creative and do fun art projects with them. I don't have the energy to teach them how to manage their lives, clean up, and be kind people.
I know that I am conveying that I don't like them. I know they can sense that I don't want to be around them. I don't know what to do. I hate doing this to them.
The problem is with me, but I don't know what it is. If it's not something that shows up in blood tests, there's no medical approach to take... Perhaps my OBGYN will have some insight into the cyclical fluctuations that make this so much worse.
I think it's going to come back to depression, and I just feel helpless. I don't want the side effects of medication, I'm skeptical about the effectiveness of counseling, and I don't have the energy for self betterment like changes to my diet, sleep, and exercise. I just want to be sleeping, alone, away from the shrieking and grabbing and mess and constant needs. I don't like myself, but I crave to be by myself. I only feel desire to be around people if I can use them as external engines to feel better, boost my energy, get me moving.
I keep hoping with a new house will come a new me. But I'm so fearful that won't happen. I don't want to bring this heavy exhaustion into our new life; I want to start fresh. But how can that happen if I'm doing everything the same? I don't want to miss my kids' precious young years, or alienate them and scar them for their future years. And Jeff too. He gets tired of me being like this too.
I feel completely stuck and too tired to do anything to change it. I think it needs to start with a few simple mental/habit changes. It has been so hard to stick to anything. The kids bring so much chaos, and I am supposed to be the one who creates order for them, but I rarely feel like I have the strength, energy, and mental clarity to do that. I fantasize about a break from life, a monastic season where I am alone and able to recreate myself and my thoughts. It is hard to retrain my thoughts and do the necessary internal work when I am constantly being barraged by the external forces in my life. A drowning person thinks only of staying afloat and has no room for thoughts of self-improvement.
How can I stop feeling that I'm drowning so I can change myself enough to function in life? What steps do I need to take?
Brainstorming:
- Self talk. Practice grateful and optimistic statements until they come to mind naturally.
- Enough sleep.
- Time for myself without guilt.
- Exercise, time outdoors.
- Medication? (Anti-depressant? Hormones?)
- Regular childcare. (I think this one will enable the other things.)
- Decluttering, habits of tidying up.
- Counseling
- Anticipate the kids' need before they start whining
- Therapeutic art
I need help. I fantasize about finding a legal chemical that can give me the energy I need. I need help. I need space. Ugh...
...Now I'm just killing time because I don't want to do anything else. My mind has been wandering, and I'm pretty much checked out of this. Help.
---
"The thought manifests as the word; the word manifests as the deed; the deed develops into habit; and habit hardens into character. So watch the thought and its ways with care, and let it spring from love born out of concern for all beings." ~ Gautama Buddha
It comes to a head with the kids. I don't enjoy being with my kids. I love them and know deeply that they are precious, funny, bright, amazing kids. I love them so much. But I dread being with them and feel restless around them. I spend most of my days looking forward to when I can be away from them. When I can rest.
I don't have enough energy to be in constant conversation with Charlotte. I don't have enough energy to roll around and rough-house with them, or take them to the playground so they can use their energy in constructive ways. I don't have enough energy to be creative and do fun art projects with them. I don't have the energy to teach them how to manage their lives, clean up, and be kind people.
I know that I am conveying that I don't like them. I know they can sense that I don't want to be around them. I don't know what to do. I hate doing this to them.
The problem is with me, but I don't know what it is. If it's not something that shows up in blood tests, there's no medical approach to take... Perhaps my OBGYN will have some insight into the cyclical fluctuations that make this so much worse.
I think it's going to come back to depression, and I just feel helpless. I don't want the side effects of medication, I'm skeptical about the effectiveness of counseling, and I don't have the energy for self betterment like changes to my diet, sleep, and exercise. I just want to be sleeping, alone, away from the shrieking and grabbing and mess and constant needs. I don't like myself, but I crave to be by myself. I only feel desire to be around people if I can use them as external engines to feel better, boost my energy, get me moving.
I keep hoping with a new house will come a new me. But I'm so fearful that won't happen. I don't want to bring this heavy exhaustion into our new life; I want to start fresh. But how can that happen if I'm doing everything the same? I don't want to miss my kids' precious young years, or alienate them and scar them for their future years. And Jeff too. He gets tired of me being like this too.
I feel completely stuck and too tired to do anything to change it. I think it needs to start with a few simple mental/habit changes. It has been so hard to stick to anything. The kids bring so much chaos, and I am supposed to be the one who creates order for them, but I rarely feel like I have the strength, energy, and mental clarity to do that. I fantasize about a break from life, a monastic season where I am alone and able to recreate myself and my thoughts. It is hard to retrain my thoughts and do the necessary internal work when I am constantly being barraged by the external forces in my life. A drowning person thinks only of staying afloat and has no room for thoughts of self-improvement.
How can I stop feeling that I'm drowning so I can change myself enough to function in life? What steps do I need to take?
Brainstorming:
- Self talk. Practice grateful and optimistic statements until they come to mind naturally.
- Enough sleep.
- Time for myself without guilt.
- Exercise, time outdoors.
- Medication? (Anti-depressant? Hormones?)
- Regular childcare. (I think this one will enable the other things.)
- Decluttering, habits of tidying up.
- Counseling
- Anticipate the kids' need before they start whining
- Therapeutic art
I need help. I fantasize about finding a legal chemical that can give me the energy I need. I need help. I need space. Ugh...
...Now I'm just killing time because I don't want to do anything else. My mind has been wandering, and I'm pretty much checked out of this. Help.
---
"The thought manifests as the word; the word manifests as the deed; the deed develops into habit; and habit hardens into character. So watch the thought and its ways with care, and let it spring from love born out of concern for all beings." ~ Gautama Buddha