31
Good morning, God. Whoever you are...
Another birthday! The past year has flown. Wow. Last year on my birthday, I remember being kicked fiercely in the guts by my yet-to-be-met baby. And now we have Luke, such a beautiful and joyful little boy. Luke's arrival has made the last year a happy one. The loss of sleep has probably contributed to how fast it seems to have gone by.
This birthday doesn't seem like a big deal. It has sorta sneaked up on me, lost in the busy-ness of the fall photo season and Charlotte's new school year. It seems I am deep in the middle of life, not crossing a threshold between an old year and a new one.
I always try to reflect a little on my birthday and zoom out from the everyday routine. I'm doing it a day early because this is my morning off and I have more time to stew on my thoughts (Thanks to Jeff and the kids!!) I'm not really sure what insight I have about myself and how the past year has shaped me.
Our family feels so full and balanced with the addition of Luke. I love my kids - they're such amazing kids, how did I get so lucky? - and being a family of four feels good. I hesitate to say "complete," because complete seems to close the door to having more kids, but we do feel complete in a way. At least for now.
Perhaps one of the biggest, subtlest, most exciting changes is that I've begun to accept my agnosticism more. In the last couple months, I've been able to start reading about science, including openly atheist writers like Richard Dawkins. In the past, even seeing those books has made me flustered and seemed scary, as though the words written inside those books were eager to snatch away the remaining shards of my tattered faith. As time has passed, I am starting to feel free and curious to explore. I find myself fascinated by books about string theory, quantum mechanics, parallel universes... Now that the threat of loss is gone, learning isn't accompanied by fear.
I admit, I know there is a deep place in me that wants to be found, wants to be safe, and hopes that pursuing these deep mysteries will lead me back to faith and a truer understanding of... you. For now, "you" feel so infinitely removed and irrelevant. Sometimes the lack of meaning in life is depressing, but often it's actually freeing because I can live without the crushing burden of your cosmic expectations of me. Truth, decency, grace, and gentleness still ring true to me. And perhaps that's inconsistent with a cold reptilian view of existence, but I believe that living that way works and makes life qualitatively better for me and the people around me. In that, Jesus's approach of loving others is still relevant and a beacon of what a rich and self-actualized life can look like. Regarding his claims to be God, I'm currently at a loss, but if the universe is as mysterious and crazy as physicists believe, who the heck knows what was going on with Jesus - where and when he came from, what undiscovered metaphysical truths he may have been alluding to. (But I'm just rambling and don't have any particular theory on this, and it may not be all that important.)
On a different front, we find ourselves in a liminal period of waiting as we count down the remaining months of Jeff's residency. There is so much excitement and hope and apprehension about what the future will hold for us. It is always exciting to dream about an improved life in a new place; it's exciting to consider the possibilities of living in central Virginia again. It's nerve-wracking to be at the mercy of the licensing board. It's bittersweet to consider leaving here, the first place we really felt welcome and developed our family identity. We have been so happy here, finally happy after such difficult early years. I haven't really articulated before that I feel fear about this transition, that our happiness will disappear, that we will be throwing away a good and stable life for more hard, displaced, disconnected years. Please no!
Sociologically, I feel trepidation about our current political climate. This election season has been so wearing. That Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are the representatives of humanity our country has chosen saddens and sickens me. The alarmist in me wonders what next year will look like, if the US will still be here, if only a few armored creatures will be scuttling around in a nuclear wasteland. It seems impossible, but if there are infinite universes where every scenario plays out, who's to say that it's too far-fetched for a lunatic President Trump to get our humble little planet blown to smithereens? (Boy I hope it's too far-fetched...) I have struggled with acute anxiety about the quality of life I can offer our kids ever since we brought Luke home from the hospital. Such a volatile and angry world. I pray that our kids will learn to be loving, balanced light-bearers as they grow and share themselves with the world. Maybe they will be able to tilt the scales toward goodness and reason and restraint. I hope that they are my noblest contribution to society and the future of our planet.
(Do I sound unhinged? Such grandiose thoughts, such anxious brooding? If I can't purge it here, then where?)
Anyway, I'm grateful for another birthday. For my sweet family. For my yummy homemade breakfast, for Jeff's generous willingness to guard this morning for me, for success with photography, for the beauty and health of my children, for having enough and to spare, for a husband who is a dear friend and an inspiration, for a peaceful and connected life. I'm grateful for this past year of life and for the opportunity to keep growing, learning, exploring, improving... I'm grateful for all the roles I get to play - wife, mother, friend, daughter, photographer.
If I would ask for one broad wish or goal for the coming year, I think it would be along the lines of ability to accept change with grace. To roll with my kids' changing moods and needs with grace. (And less yelling.) To gracefully accept the outcomes of our job, housing, and school transitions and to be gracious to Jeff as we walk through all of that together. Grace to leave or stay depending on how things play out.
Sigh. Might try to grab a birthday nap before this afternoon's photo session. Today is the day!
Love (sent out into the cosmos, in the hopes that it will ripple around and do some good),
Melinda
Another birthday! The past year has flown. Wow. Last year on my birthday, I remember being kicked fiercely in the guts by my yet-to-be-met baby. And now we have Luke, such a beautiful and joyful little boy. Luke's arrival has made the last year a happy one. The loss of sleep has probably contributed to how fast it seems to have gone by.
This birthday doesn't seem like a big deal. It has sorta sneaked up on me, lost in the busy-ness of the fall photo season and Charlotte's new school year. It seems I am deep in the middle of life, not crossing a threshold between an old year and a new one.
I always try to reflect a little on my birthday and zoom out from the everyday routine. I'm doing it a day early because this is my morning off and I have more time to stew on my thoughts (Thanks to Jeff and the kids!!) I'm not really sure what insight I have about myself and how the past year has shaped me.
Our family feels so full and balanced with the addition of Luke. I love my kids - they're such amazing kids, how did I get so lucky? - and being a family of four feels good. I hesitate to say "complete," because complete seems to close the door to having more kids, but we do feel complete in a way. At least for now.
Perhaps one of the biggest, subtlest, most exciting changes is that I've begun to accept my agnosticism more. In the last couple months, I've been able to start reading about science, including openly atheist writers like Richard Dawkins. In the past, even seeing those books has made me flustered and seemed scary, as though the words written inside those books were eager to snatch away the remaining shards of my tattered faith. As time has passed, I am starting to feel free and curious to explore. I find myself fascinated by books about string theory, quantum mechanics, parallel universes... Now that the threat of loss is gone, learning isn't accompanied by fear.
I admit, I know there is a deep place in me that wants to be found, wants to be safe, and hopes that pursuing these deep mysteries will lead me back to faith and a truer understanding of... you. For now, "you" feel so infinitely removed and irrelevant. Sometimes the lack of meaning in life is depressing, but often it's actually freeing because I can live without the crushing burden of your cosmic expectations of me. Truth, decency, grace, and gentleness still ring true to me. And perhaps that's inconsistent with a cold reptilian view of existence, but I believe that living that way works and makes life qualitatively better for me and the people around me. In that, Jesus's approach of loving others is still relevant and a beacon of what a rich and self-actualized life can look like. Regarding his claims to be God, I'm currently at a loss, but if the universe is as mysterious and crazy as physicists believe, who the heck knows what was going on with Jesus - where and when he came from, what undiscovered metaphysical truths he may have been alluding to. (But I'm just rambling and don't have any particular theory on this, and it may not be all that important.)
On a different front, we find ourselves in a liminal period of waiting as we count down the remaining months of Jeff's residency. There is so much excitement and hope and apprehension about what the future will hold for us. It is always exciting to dream about an improved life in a new place; it's exciting to consider the possibilities of living in central Virginia again. It's nerve-wracking to be at the mercy of the licensing board. It's bittersweet to consider leaving here, the first place we really felt welcome and developed our family identity. We have been so happy here, finally happy after such difficult early years. I haven't really articulated before that I feel fear about this transition, that our happiness will disappear, that we will be throwing away a good and stable life for more hard, displaced, disconnected years. Please no!
Sociologically, I feel trepidation about our current political climate. This election season has been so wearing. That Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are the representatives of humanity our country has chosen saddens and sickens me. The alarmist in me wonders what next year will look like, if the US will still be here, if only a few armored creatures will be scuttling around in a nuclear wasteland. It seems impossible, but if there are infinite universes where every scenario plays out, who's to say that it's too far-fetched for a lunatic President Trump to get our humble little planet blown to smithereens? (Boy I hope it's too far-fetched...) I have struggled with acute anxiety about the quality of life I can offer our kids ever since we brought Luke home from the hospital. Such a volatile and angry world. I pray that our kids will learn to be loving, balanced light-bearers as they grow and share themselves with the world. Maybe they will be able to tilt the scales toward goodness and reason and restraint. I hope that they are my noblest contribution to society and the future of our planet.
(Do I sound unhinged? Such grandiose thoughts, such anxious brooding? If I can't purge it here, then where?)
Anyway, I'm grateful for another birthday. For my sweet family. For my yummy homemade breakfast, for Jeff's generous willingness to guard this morning for me, for success with photography, for the beauty and health of my children, for having enough and to spare, for a husband who is a dear friend and an inspiration, for a peaceful and connected life. I'm grateful for this past year of life and for the opportunity to keep growing, learning, exploring, improving... I'm grateful for all the roles I get to play - wife, mother, friend, daughter, photographer.
If I would ask for one broad wish or goal for the coming year, I think it would be along the lines of ability to accept change with grace. To roll with my kids' changing moods and needs with grace. (And less yelling.) To gracefully accept the outcomes of our job, housing, and school transitions and to be gracious to Jeff as we walk through all of that together. Grace to leave or stay depending on how things play out.
Sigh. Might try to grab a birthday nap before this afternoon's photo session. Today is the day!
Love (sent out into the cosmos, in the hopes that it will ripple around and do some good),
Melinda