The butterfly effect
Hey Lord. Forgive me for my expression of hate. Forgive me for sending those negative vibrations rippling out into eternity.
I've been reading the Genesis trilogy by Madeleine L'Engle, and I think it is the right book for this season of my life. Thank you for your hand in that; I will choose to see that as your Providence. L'Engle emphasizes again and again that each of us has a choice: will I contribute to the destruction and isolation in our world, or will I be a co-creator and light-bearer with you? Will I be an agent of love or hate?
Lord, I believe that I am at a personal crossroads. How I choose to respond to this persecution by Lorraine Gravley will point me down one of two paths. Thirty years from now, I will be different depending on the choice I make.
I have succumbed to the temptation and false belief that I can keep my hatred compartmentalized away from the rest of my life, that I can continue to flourish and grow into the person I want to be even as I cherish a deep grudge. It's not true, Lord. The poison will spread unless I cut it off quickly. Who am I to think that I am free to "choose love" in other scenarios with other difficult people if I cannot/will not choose love in this scenario, with this person? If I only do it when it's convenient, it's hardly love.
And so I find myself in a tough place. How can I love this woman? How can I quell the rage that boils over after each new injustice? How can I keep my disgust from making me disgusting?
Trying to view her through different eyes -- the eyes of her grandkids, for example -- seems to help a little. It reminds me that we are all a mixture of good and bad, that we all operate with inconsistent love, inconsistent logic sometimes. That we all feel insecure and do stupid things sometimes to fill that insecurity. I have been exactly the same as her sometimes, wounding others to reassure myself of my own value. It is the curse of pride, and maybe also the scars we all bear from others. I want to be assured that I am truly special -- and I am (and she is) because I am yours -- but Satan makes me think that I can only be special if other people aren't. If I see Lorraine Gravley as scum, I can feel comparatively righteous. If she sees Jeff/us as scum, then SHE can feel more righteous.
It is a battle we should not be fighting. None are righteous, and yet all are beloved.
But this seems to be at the heart of most/all human conflict -- wanting to be important, to be safe, to not be overlooked. She hates Jeff because he made her feel unimportant. We struggle with her because she threatens our security.
What about Jesus? Did he make the Pharisees feel special even as he was challenging their corruption? How can I walk that narrow path of mercy AND truth? "Hate the sin, not the sinner." How can I separate?
She is your child. She is someone's daughter, and she was once as sweet and small as Charlotte. She is a member of a family. She has borne and mothered children. She is a grown woman with the weight of career, the challenge of marriage, the stresses of urban living, the bittersweetness of aging, the wounds of divorce and failed relationship... Like me, she is a girl trying to be good, trying to be right, trying to create safety for herself. Like me, she wrestles with darkness.
Who am I to judge her? I am no better. In thirty years, I could be her.
Help me not to hate, Lord. Help me to be a bearer of light. Help me to take the road of restoration, not vengeance.
And please help me to know what to do with my anger. Help me relinquish my claims to safety, to control of the future. Sometimes I feel like the anger might consume me, and I feel bitter to be forced into such an unbelievable situation, to be forced to experience such crippling anger. Help me recognize the right road. Help me to be the best version of myself in thirty years, not the worst.
I love you. I need your help. I need vision and humility and patience and love. I need your help to have my overall response to all this be ripples of love. Let me resonate more love. Let my butterfly effect be more full of grace.
This is the burden you have given me. This is my opportunity to add to love or add to hate. Lord help me.
Love,
Melinda
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