God of heaven, come down
Hey Lord.
Thank you for a nice workout and a chance to blow off some some steam and exist in a different frame of mind.
To be honest, I'm struggling a bit. I just listened to Dick Foth talk about how when we don't know what to pray, the Spirit helps us. He talked about true Hope, confident hope, in Christ. About how you are there to help us in the tension. I also listened to him quote from Philippians, "I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and be present with him in his sufferings."
... There's my dilemma. I do want to know Christ, I do want to have hope. But I'm tired of suffering. I don't want to invite any more tension into my life. I am afraid of drawing near to you and inviting you to come do your will, because I'm afraid you want to hurt me. I feel like if I hide from you, you will leave me alone and not try to teach me any more lessons.
I feel overwhelmed by the anxiety that has come with Jeff's persecution at work. I don't feel like I have any hopeful confidence left. Only a small trembling creature's desire to be left alone, blessedly forgotten. I am tired of being on the radar, in the battle. I am not a fighter. I do not like living on a battlefield. Preachers say that in this kind of situation I need to put my trust in you. But for what? So we can suffer more? So we can take on Christ's sufferings too? Sounds greeeaaat. I just want to stop being anxious! Call me a wimp or a sinner or whatever, I am just an animal with a short life who wants to avoid unnecessary drama and conflict. (No one [sane] wants to be persecuted!)
I would love to float happily along in the face of these perpetual threats with peace beyond my understanding, but I don't have it. And I am scared of the source... believing you CAN give it to me, but doubtful that you will.
I used to see you as my lover and friend and protector. What happened? When did I become so afraid of you? When did I start believing you wanted to punish me and extract submission by making me suffer?
I need your peace. I need your assurance. I need you. I do not know how to rise above these stressful things. I do not know how not to become gnarled and warped under the force of this adversity. How can I come out more whole, more alive, instead of cold and dull and broken?
Please reveal yourself to me. If you have warmth and tenderness and love for me, please show me. Please. If you care, please speak up. I feel alone. I know I have been hard towards you and I don't deserve your kindness. But if you have a place under your wings for me, I am begging you for your embrace.
I don't think I can do this without your love. Maybe. But I don't want to. And I'm really not sure. I just don't know what to do.
I feel that you are silent and judging. I balk at you. I cannot stand up under your winter.
Will you come to me in spring? Will you thaw my trembling, weary spirit? Will you lead me into the flowering rebirth of relationship with you?
I don't know where to start. Please come.
Love,
Melinda
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