Kids books these days sure ain't what they used to be...

Aug 07, 2011 20:14

If I were to show you this beautifully illustrated, charming image from a book available in the kiddie section of my local library, what would you think the story was about?





Would you have ever thought, in a million years, that you were looking at a page from a book titled:



Here's my favourite quote from a review on Amazon:
"Dogs anuses in a children's book?!?!?!!!! Vile and inappropriate"

I am truly amazed at the imagination and the inventiveness of the story, so I have reproduced the story in full (SPOILERS!).

The Great Dog Bottom Swap
By Peter Bently and Mei Matsuoka
Published 6 Aug 2009

The day had arrived for the Dog’s Summer Ball.
All the dogs in the world were lined up at the hall.
Where a sign on the door said,
Now please be so kind
As to keep your coat on
But remove your behind.

Please hang up your bottom
On one of the pegs
And remember, no growling
Or cocking of legs

So as they went in - every dog, pooch and pup -
They took off their bottoms and hung them all up.

Hundreds and hundreds of little pink ‘o’s
All neatly arranged in methodical rows.

What a feast the dogs had at the ball on that night!
The table was quite a magnificent sight
They dined on fresh giblets and dog-biscuit stew
With slippers and old dug-up sheep bones to chew.
Then doggy-choc ices all creamy and brown
And fresh puddle-water to wash it all down.

When the poodles had cleared all the food bowls away
It was time for some fun from the dog’s cabaret.
The pekes did a song in ridiculous hats,
And a labrador told a rude joke about cats.
Then Coco the Conjuror got a huge laugh
By pretending to saw a dalmatian in half.

“And now,” Coco said, to great woofs of applause,
“It’s time for the dancing, so up on your paws!”

“Look at us!” said an over-excited young hound
As he whisked a fox terrier clear off the ground
“Watch out!” cried a sensible boxer name Clive
As the hound and the terrier started to jive
They swirled and they twirled ever faster and faster
Until - oh dogastrophe! what a disaster!
The twirling was more than the afghan could handle -
He suddenly tripped and knocked over a candle,
Which fell on the curtains,
Which promptly caught fire
(Being old and quite cheap),
Sending flames ever higher.

Some dogs broke the rule that forbade hind-leg cocking
But the fire soon spread with a speed that was shocking.

“Don’t panic!” barked Clive in a great fit of passion.
“Let’s all try to leave in an orderly fashion!”
But that was an order they chose to ignore
As they scurried and scuttled like heck for the door.

As the last dog shot out of the hall with a bark
The lights all went phut! And the whole place went dark.
“Wait a minute!” said Clive to the panicking mutts.
“Our bottoms! Our bottoms! We must save our butts!”

So into the cloakroom they bumbled and tumbled
And soon all the bottoms were hopelessly jumbled
As every dog grabbed the first bottom they saw
And fled the great fire with a bum in their paw.

Luckily every dog got out alive
And no one was caught by the fire, except Clive
And some others whose tails
Had been singed all away
(which is why all those dogs have no tails to this day).

And all the dog’s bottoms were rescued as well.
But because of the darkness no doggy could tell
Whose bottom was whose in the panic and scrum
So each dog went home with another dog’s bum.

And ever since them, when a pair of dogs meet
In the park or they playground, the woods or the street,
Each dog gives the other dog’s bottom a sniff
To see if it has the particular whiff
Of the bottom they lost on the night of the ball
When dogs hung their bums on the hooks in the hall.

Sweet dreams, everybody.

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