Learning Feelin'
Woooooooo goin' back to uni for my last semester in a weeks' time. Time to haul ass to Typo and stock up on stationary :D
I need to ask how long I can put off doing Honors because I haven't got a portfolio photographed or written up let alone a thing to do for an honors project. Shit I still feel like a idiot dildo queen in my every day ideas about what I want to do with any thing I create. My anxiety is getting in the way big time as well to the point where I'm feeling totally phobic about creating anything.
It boils down to the belief that I'm very, very stupid and everything I have to say through my work is dumb and boring and that other people think it's dumb and boring.
I hate having to do things about identity - I have so much trouble with that on a daily basis and have been at war with that shit for so long I'm surprised I haven't crumbled like wet biscuit. Besides, everything I have to say about myself is about how awful I am, how stupid I am and how I should die in a fire. That's fun for no one - so what's the point of putting it out there (er... yes I do realize I just expressed all that in order to decry it, shit is getting meta as fuck in here)
I feel like I'm not thriving as a human or as a creative person.
I'm in an utter rut
I feel alienated by my peers
I have very little in the way of resources
I have become phobic of even the act of creating
Anxiety doesn't help
Self Esteem is and has been super poor
Self Worth is poor
I hate feeling strong emotions - so I deny myself because its embarrassing
I spend lots of time focusing on things that distract me instead of stimulate me
Damn.... I can only just do work when I'm occasionally not feeling like crap on a crap cracker - how am I gonna deal with taking on honors? Especially if the only honors students who get to do the super cool stuff are people who are first class? I under estimate my intelligence and therefore don't challenge myself for the fear of looking stupid and wasting time and resources I just don't have at this stage of my life. A foolish failure who will never be able to shake the stench of it is not the dude I want to be - so I guess settling for coward hiding under a pile of coats hoping that it'll fix itself once I emerge from under it.
I know I aim low but lately I've been subterranean in my goals - as in - today I peel self away from Tumblr and buy some food. THIS IS A SUCCESSFUL DAY FOR ME.
This is already too much gross feelings out in the air, I'm gonna try sleeping,,, hopefully.
I need to ask how long I can put off doing Honors because I haven't got a portfolio photographed or written up let alone a thing to do for an honors project. Shit I still feel like a idiot dildo queen in my every day ideas about what I want to do with any thing I create. My anxiety is getting in the way big time as well to the point where I'm feeling totally phobic about creating anything.
It boils down to the belief that I'm very, very stupid and everything I have to say through my work is dumb and boring and that other people think it's dumb and boring.
I hate having to do things about identity - I have so much trouble with that on a daily basis and have been at war with that shit for so long I'm surprised I haven't crumbled like wet biscuit. Besides, everything I have to say about myself is about how awful I am, how stupid I am and how I should die in a fire. That's fun for no one - so what's the point of putting it out there (er... yes I do realize I just expressed all that in order to decry it, shit is getting meta as fuck in here)
I feel like I'm not thriving as a human or as a creative person.
I'm in an utter rut
I feel alienated by my peers
I have very little in the way of resources
I have become phobic of even the act of creating
Anxiety doesn't help
Self Esteem is and has been super poor
Self Worth is poor
I hate feeling strong emotions - so I deny myself because its embarrassing
I spend lots of time focusing on things that distract me instead of stimulate me
Damn.... I can only just do work when I'm occasionally not feeling like crap on a crap cracker - how am I gonna deal with taking on honors? Especially if the only honors students who get to do the super cool stuff are people who are first class? I under estimate my intelligence and therefore don't challenge myself for the fear of looking stupid and wasting time and resources I just don't have at this stage of my life. A foolish failure who will never be able to shake the stench of it is not the dude I want to be - so I guess settling for coward hiding under a pile of coats hoping that it'll fix itself once I emerge from under it.
I know I aim low but lately I've been subterranean in my goals - as in - today I peel self away from Tumblr and buy some food. THIS IS A SUCCESSFUL DAY FOR ME.
This is already too much gross feelings out in the air, I'm gonna try sleeping,,, hopefully.