a flicker of light on the horizon
i am getting close enough to my Christmas break now that if i can survive long enough to get to it, then it will be very good. i am actually starting to get excited, as opposed to trying to not think about it, as a means of avoiding getting my hopes up for something so far away. i am even going so far as to make plans. i am getting excited to see certain people, particularly those who have helped me the most in surviving the past few months, even from so far away.
now the big hurdle is forcing myself to refocus my habits and get some major projects done for school. once i am not drowning in work so much, then i will be able to survive the next month and a half.
today was an overwhelming ordeal as i thought more in detail about my possible change in plans this fall. there is so much to think about that i am being forced to think more than a week into the future and with some detail. this scares the hell out of me, having to conceive the idea of not just being back home but working, getting my license, getting a car, saving money, paying for classes, meeting new people all over again and also eventually finding an apartment and being able to support myself. i can only think about it for short periods of time or i get very anxious and overwhelmed and, as i said, scared... pretty well terrified actually. in a lot of ways, i know what i want out of life. my dreams are simple, but it's getting there and grasping the realization that it's not gonna really ever get any easier from here on out that are the hard parts.
but in small doses, it's very exciting, having a sense of direction in my life that might be a good one for once. so i am trying to cope with facing the more distant future for once.
at the moment, i will be happy enough to focus on Christmas.
"Go your own way, I'll be with you. Make mistakes and I'll forgive you. Home is waiting here for you when you return."
now the big hurdle is forcing myself to refocus my habits and get some major projects done for school. once i am not drowning in work so much, then i will be able to survive the next month and a half.
today was an overwhelming ordeal as i thought more in detail about my possible change in plans this fall. there is so much to think about that i am being forced to think more than a week into the future and with some detail. this scares the hell out of me, having to conceive the idea of not just being back home but working, getting my license, getting a car, saving money, paying for classes, meeting new people all over again and also eventually finding an apartment and being able to support myself. i can only think about it for short periods of time or i get very anxious and overwhelmed and, as i said, scared... pretty well terrified actually. in a lot of ways, i know what i want out of life. my dreams are simple, but it's getting there and grasping the realization that it's not gonna really ever get any easier from here on out that are the hard parts.
but in small doses, it's very exciting, having a sense of direction in my life that might be a good one for once. so i am trying to cope with facing the more distant future for once.
at the moment, i will be happy enough to focus on Christmas.
"Go your own way, I'll be with you. Make mistakes and I'll forgive you. Home is waiting here for you when you return."