(no subject)
We talked for the very first time on May 25, 2004 and to my utter disbelief you made me laugh ina time where laughs weren't possible. It was on this day that my heart began to repair itself from the hurt that had been caused by another. You would never understand how hurt i was nor will you understand what a dream come true you were to me at that time. We fell in love over Harry Potter and mindless conversations that lasted hours upon hours. I melted before i even realized it, i gave my heart to you without knowing what it would do to me. So we said I love you and from there it escalated, we made love the only way I allowed and shared our most intimate dreams and secrets with each other. You became my best friend, I didn't know what it was like to go a day without talking to you, without hearing your words. We had fights that tore at eachother, words that should have never been said were thrown at each other in vicious cycles. Yet through it all, i loved you, maybe i loved you more for those words because you were showing me how you felt, you let me realize everything in our relationship that was right and everything in our relationship that went wrong. We had passion, Erick, we had a driving need for eachother, you said to me so many times that you needed me in your life that you loved me like you had never loved another, and it was that that kept me holding on hoping that you could hold on with me until i felt ready. It didn't work, somewhere between Utah and CHicago I lost you and i felt it, i knew it, i knew in my heart you were already gone. And it kills because not only am i losing someone who i love more than anyone i have ever loved in my life, but I am losing my best friend. And it kills because i don't know if I ever meant anything to him, i don't know if he ever needed me, I don't know if I was ever good enough to have him feel for me what i felt for him. He was waiting for something better to come along the whole time, and i was never going to be good enough for him to hold, he never needed me in his life, he never loved me, and he blinked me away like a single tear that fell without meaning. And he is living it up while i am dying inside, dying for opening up to someone for making them so important, when all i was to him was a tear.
And maybe i am damned, but i love him still...with all of my fucking broken heart, i love him so much that he will never know what that love means, he will never know what it feels like to have him know he is my best friend, and he will never see me cry over him. But he is content in that, he is content in knowing not that he hurt me but in the fact that he will never know what it did to me. I lost my best friend that night, i lost a love deeper than any i had ever known, and i lost the one thing in my life that wasn't suppose to leave.
Kate