(no subject)
I am nothing. It was under great pressure and scrutiny of myself and my directions that I have decided this. I make sacrafices for thing si feel are important to me at the time only to realize they never were. I lost two of the best things I have ever had going for me....myself and the love of a very sweet, sincere, and amazing man. I only hope that he realizes that hurting him was not my intention nor is it something that I am proud of. I would have given anything, still would, to look into those big eyes of his and tell him what a worthless piece of shit I am. I think he knows this already but it would mean something different coming from the girl who broke his heart. My weaknesses caused him so much pain and I don't think I fully understood what I was doing at the time. I lost him through careless words and careless actions. Hell, want me to be honest, a whole bottle of vicadin couldn't drive his memory out of me. I spent a week in that hospital praying that his beautiful voice and contagious laughter would simple fade away. I wished I would fade away. I would give anything just to talk to him again, to hear him laugh would be my heaven on earth. Sure, there are ways I can contact him, but he has asked ME not to. I guess his way of dealing with the hurt I have caused it by forgetting I exist. It's funny , he's accomplishing the one thing that I strive to do everyday, forget that he's there, forget that this perfect creature exists in this world. If he never existed, I would have never hurt him and i would have never fallen in love with him. His words are haunting me......I just wish I could hear him again. I wouldn't ask for a single thing from him ever again. Actually, I wish he could just read what I have written about him to prove that he runs deepw ithin me, that falling in love with him was my biggest and most important accomplishment up to date.
He likes the color orange, he writes poetry tht makes my heart melt and tears fall from my eyes, he loves the movie "Down To You," and is a Vanilla Ice Cream person, he listens to "Colorblind" by the Counting Crows, and once he made me listen as he described the movie Arachnaphobia. ( i hate spiders) He was scared to love again, hell he was scared of women, and he thinks I am a cutey. His words were magic....hell, he IS magic. I was so scared of hurting him, so scared of losing him, so fucking scared of getting hurt that instead I chose to put up boundaries around my heart after chipping his away. I skrewed up baby, I skrewed up so bad. I wish you would just read this, I wish you could just see that everything good about me, was in you. I pushed and pushed until the door closed and i lost you. I want you back. Maybe, no, I know you will never love me again but I would love to be your friend. Baby, I am so sorry. I love you. My heart is not the same without you in it.
The day we said goodbye was the day my world froze. I lost myself that day. I wandered aimlessly for two weeks with no clear recollection of who or where I was. I was Kate, the forgotten one. No one really knewI existed anymore, Fuck no one cared. I was lost in a maze of vodka induced comas. No one knew me and no one cared if I was even alive. There was only one escape route and when all was said and done, I was still here, still forgotten, and still hopelessly in love with someone who dispised me. I hated everyone for a while, I blamed Sara, I blamed you, but I never blamed who was really responsible for losing you. ME. Fact is, you wanted to hold me, to make love to me, to look me in the eyes and tell me the words or your heart, and I refused to let you even when that moment would have captured my heart forever. In the process of losing you, I lost myself as well. It's a touch and merciless road back up the hill to normalcy and one that I am prepared to do alone. I wish I could hold you baby, I wish I could so much. I wish you would let me tell you that I love you, let me tell you that some girl is going to be really lucky to have you, I just wish I wasn't so scared and that I wasn't a fuck up.
Let me love you T.J. I wish I could find a way to let you read this, I wish I could. I don't want to be forgotten. I love you, please forgive me for what I have doneand forgive the weaknesses in me that caused you pain. I am sorry wasn't strong enough to realize what you were offering me. I am sorry I let you down and I am sorry I was so easy to forget.
You were the best thing that ever happened to a girl like me. You opened my heart enough to let me love you and by doing so, you showed me this whole new world. I love you. I love you more than you know.
I love you T.J. Snow......I wish you could read this. I love you, I miss you.