Homecoming.......
Last night was the bonfire and although the Juniors did not win, I would say we did a very nice job yelling considering we had so little people! Pep Assembly went well...better then the past 2 years I would say. Anyways so Homecoming is tonight, and for the first time in a few years we are going to win!! Anyways I know most of you aren't going to want to read about this...so if you don't want to hear me basically just convince myself I am doing the right thing then stop now. Nick is coimng up to the game today, and I am pretty sure I am going to end things with him. I am tired of him always making me feel bad for leaving, I am tired of not doing anything on the weekends because he is to lazy to go out and do stuff with me. He says he wants to sit at home and relax, but he does that all week and I know that if Anthony was to go down there and be like hey man lets go chill at Desert Ridge or something along those lines Nick would be all for it. I am going to tell Nick, that this isn't working out for me anymore. I am 17 years old, and have been dating the same guy since my freshman year! I love him I am just not in love with him anymore. He has pushed me farther and farther away. I think a reason I have stayed with him is because he has said and done things that make me feel as if I am not good enough for any other guy. Its really aggrevating to be with someone who is always so mad at you for going back to School, and getting an education. This is my life this is what I am doing right now if you can't accept that then thats your problem. Why can't I say this to him in person? Why can't I stand up to him and say No Nick its over! Why can't I do half the stuff I want to do. Why why why!! I know I will see him tonight and I will probably chicken out but I don't want to chicken out I want to be able to stand up to him and be like so many things have gone wrong in our relationship, and we can't fix them...or maybe we can and maybe I just need some time away from Nick, maybe I just need my space. I don't know fuck it I am babbling I am being ridiculous I know i have no backbone I know I won't be able to stand up to Nick I know I am going to be with him probably forever, just because I am chickenshit!! What can I do to give me more confedince to stand up to him? UGH!!! SO AGGREVATING I AM SO MAD AT MYSELF BECAUSE I HAVE NO FREAKING BALLS WHEN IT COMES TO HIM...WHY CAN'T HE JUST BE NICE TO ME...WHY CAN'T HE TREAT ME RIGHT...WHY CAN'T I GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP? WHY DO I STAY WITH SOMETHING EVEN WHEN I KNOW ITS BAD FOR ME? WHY AM I SO STUPID! WHY.....!!!????!!!!