my thoughts...

[sweetpea23]

As I fell asleep last night my childhood kept flashing back into my mind. I remember my Grandma's house more specifically I remember a wall that held three 8X10 portraits. One of my father, one of my aunt, then there was the third. I recall one day when I was about four asking my dad who that third picture was of, the sadness that rushed over his face with that question scared me more than anything ever had. He explained to me that that was my Aunt Lana, and that was that for then. But later that night I asked my Grandmother what happened to my Aunt Lana. She explained to me that my aunt Lana had died in a car accident while she was on a lovely vacation in paradise a place called Hawaii. She had told that story to people that she now in her old age and fading memories it's what she beleives to be true. I understand now why she tried so hard to repress what truly happened to her. It was a few years later right after my grandfather's funeral when I over heard my GreatAunt talking with some lady about my Grandma's first husband. This was the first I had ever heard of a first husband, I ran straight to my mom and asked her. What did she mean that my Aunt's were never James'. That my Grandpa always considered me his first born grandchild. I remember how upset I was to learn all this, I felt that the idea I had of my family was being torn apart by the things I never knew. But nothing I was feeling then compared to what I was to learn in the next few questions I asked. What had happened to this first husband. My mom explained that he had died the same way my aunt Lana had died, by a gun accident. I remember that I asked my Grandma later that night why it seemed that everyone had died by gun accidents. The pain I saw in her eyes was more pain than I have ever seen in anyones eyes ever. It wasn't the pain of a person morning the loss of loved ones, it was the pain of knowing that you weren't enough to save your loved ones from taking thier own lives. It was then at that young age I realized that when they took thier lives it wasn't themselves they hurt but it was her that got that got hurt. It was then I learned that sucide is the most selfish act a person can make. It's away for you to escape your problems but cause a whole life time of problems for the people who loved you.

So the next time you say you want to drive you car off a cliff realize that it's the people that actually care that your hurting.

Thought of the day:
You can't lean entirely on anyone, they can only hold your weight for so long before you both go crashing down. You have to be able to support some of your own weight.