all the things I keep inside myself they vanish in the air
So I have had this black cloud hovering in the distance. I am totally heartbroken for my brother because I know how much he wanted it and how hard he work for it then one stupid injury takes it all away from him. I am mad, frustrated, and insanely stressed about my school stuff. I am obviously scared and upset about my dad having cancer. Through
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Emotions are tricky beasts. I personally simply try to keep them isolated as something you experience or feel but not something you use as a significant decision making factor. I have emotions, I just don't act on them 99% of the time beyond a simple "This will be fun/This would be lame/This will piss me off." I think it's led me to a place where I can't relate to a lot of people on that level, but at the same time I don't try and invalidate others' emotions as much as try to help them move forward in their problems. Then again I am consistently referred to as a robot or emotional deadwood or similar, so I could be doing it all wrong.
With guys, you may just want to pay more attention to the ones that seem more capable of handling that side of yourself that you've ended up walling off. It may just be that being emotionally introverted sort of keeps at bay anybody who could be a solid candidate for a legitimate relationship. Not to say you're intentionally doing anything, but if the problem is that guys are using you like a mechanical bull and you feel kind of stunted/shunned emotionally, it could be that the guys you're ending up with are picking up on the parts of you that aren't hidden or sheltered. I don't know since I'm more in your position than on the other side (unless I've been drinking, then everyone gets to know all about how I feel about things.) Maybe just being more open and expressive of those things would help find guys more interested in a relationship that isn't purely horizontal. I don't know though, since if I tried to do that I'd probably fuck it up terribly and just go back to how I always am. (NOT THAT THIS HAS HAPPENED EVER EVER >.>)
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