(no subject)
i feel like posting, i'm not sure exactly what about. i feel like saying something incredably deep and insightful. tho sometimes my thoughts are deep & insightful, my words never come out that way, they always sound stupid and i never say what i really mean/want to say. so i'm just going say a bunch of stuff and see if i can get what i want out.
sometime while everything was going on w/ my friends i started writing poems. poems about how i felt. most were to grace, i wrote one to mary (for some reason my favorite, tho by far not the best), a few to michael and some just random ones. i found a way to put how i felt into words, even if they weren't the best poems in the world they expresssed how i felt, and that's what i needed. everytime i try to explain how i feel, i get tounge tied, and i can't pick the right words, and i say it wrong and things just get in a big mess.
at the time i wanted 2 give the poems 2 the people i had written them for. 2 show them the truth, but i knew there was no way it could turn out well, so i didn't. even now i half want to share them, so that i can finally say what i mean. but i wont for 2 reasons 1. because i highly doubt anyone cares about reading them and 2 because i think that some of the poems will be viewed by some people as "too graphic" w/ talk about blood & stuff, since the one time i said how i really felt to grace it was seen that way.
what i cant take more than anything else is criticism. sometimes i feel like i'm going to cry when i get it, depending on who gave it and what about. i think it all started when i was younger. i used to have more opinions, and state them more. but when i did, people would openly disagree w/ them in a criticizing way. i would say something like "that's a cute shirt" and my friend would say "oh it's really ugly". i care a lot about what other people think of me, so this made me feel really bad, so i stopped saying what i liked. this happened w/ other things too, so i just stopped having opinions. or not really stopped having them, just stopped voicing them. even now many times i wont say my opinions because of what other people will think of them.
along w/ being criticized is being made fun of, and this i usually take even harder. i am so concerned w/ what other people think of me. i'm always scared of saying somethign stupid. when i get hyper i just start talking and sometimes i end up saying somethign stupid and if someone comments on it, i just shut up and stop talking. and sometimes they mock me, and i can't take that at all. i try to laugh it off, but it never works.
i hate trying new things, or i really want to try them, i'm just deathly afraid of acting stupid. i'm not a very athletic person, and i very rarely play ball games outside. but sometimes i do. of course the few times i have, my friends that i'm playing with laugh at me.
i just can't take it, i'm so scared of doing stupid things, not really because they themselfs are stupid, but because i can't take being laughed at. i feel so stupid, and ugly, and like i can't do anything, and like i'm wrong. i get teary eyed, haha i'm making myself cry just thinking about it. lolo *sigh* i just. . .. sometimes there are things i would like to try. if me and my friends are just hangin out, and thier like try this valerie, i'll usually say no, cause i know i wont be good at it the 1st time, and their laugh, and i'll cry. and sometimes i don't play games i really want to play.
once my mom was like "the one thing i dont like about ur and michael's relasionship is that u don't try new things w/ him" that gave me a laugh, it's w/ everyone. and i try more things w/ michael, cause i know he's less likely to laugh at me. cause i know he loves me a lot, and even if he did a little bit he wouldn't do it in a mean mocking way.
it's so terrible, so so so terrible that i'm this way. but i just can't take being mocked. can't take being laughed at, being made fun of. it hurts so much. *wipes tears from eyes* wow i am just breaking myself up. lolo
but on a happy note i spent all day w/ michael 2day, and i get to spend all day w/ him 2morrow. then he, paul & meredith are spendin the night here so we can leave early friday mornding for carowinds!! yay!! haha alrighty time for me to go to sleep
-*-Eowyn-*-
(this was a really random post, i started thinking about insightful things and i thought i was going to write about something else, but then the whole mocking/criticizing thing came to mind, & i just had to get it out. lolo)
l
sometime while everything was going on w/ my friends i started writing poems. poems about how i felt. most were to grace, i wrote one to mary (for some reason my favorite, tho by far not the best), a few to michael and some just random ones. i found a way to put how i felt into words, even if they weren't the best poems in the world they expresssed how i felt, and that's what i needed. everytime i try to explain how i feel, i get tounge tied, and i can't pick the right words, and i say it wrong and things just get in a big mess.
at the time i wanted 2 give the poems 2 the people i had written them for. 2 show them the truth, but i knew there was no way it could turn out well, so i didn't. even now i half want to share them, so that i can finally say what i mean. but i wont for 2 reasons 1. because i highly doubt anyone cares about reading them and 2 because i think that some of the poems will be viewed by some people as "too graphic" w/ talk about blood & stuff, since the one time i said how i really felt to grace it was seen that way.
what i cant take more than anything else is criticism. sometimes i feel like i'm going to cry when i get it, depending on who gave it and what about. i think it all started when i was younger. i used to have more opinions, and state them more. but when i did, people would openly disagree w/ them in a criticizing way. i would say something like "that's a cute shirt" and my friend would say "oh it's really ugly". i care a lot about what other people think of me, so this made me feel really bad, so i stopped saying what i liked. this happened w/ other things too, so i just stopped having opinions. or not really stopped having them, just stopped voicing them. even now many times i wont say my opinions because of what other people will think of them.
along w/ being criticized is being made fun of, and this i usually take even harder. i am so concerned w/ what other people think of me. i'm always scared of saying somethign stupid. when i get hyper i just start talking and sometimes i end up saying somethign stupid and if someone comments on it, i just shut up and stop talking. and sometimes they mock me, and i can't take that at all. i try to laugh it off, but it never works.
i hate trying new things, or i really want to try them, i'm just deathly afraid of acting stupid. i'm not a very athletic person, and i very rarely play ball games outside. but sometimes i do. of course the few times i have, my friends that i'm playing with laugh at me.
i just can't take it, i'm so scared of doing stupid things, not really because they themselfs are stupid, but because i can't take being laughed at. i feel so stupid, and ugly, and like i can't do anything, and like i'm wrong. i get teary eyed, haha i'm making myself cry just thinking about it. lolo *sigh* i just. . .. sometimes there are things i would like to try. if me and my friends are just hangin out, and thier like try this valerie, i'll usually say no, cause i know i wont be good at it the 1st time, and their laugh, and i'll cry. and sometimes i don't play games i really want to play.
once my mom was like "the one thing i dont like about ur and michael's relasionship is that u don't try new things w/ him" that gave me a laugh, it's w/ everyone. and i try more things w/ michael, cause i know he's less likely to laugh at me. cause i know he loves me a lot, and even if he did a little bit he wouldn't do it in a mean mocking way.
it's so terrible, so so so terrible that i'm this way. but i just can't take being mocked. can't take being laughed at, being made fun of. it hurts so much. *wipes tears from eyes* wow i am just breaking myself up. lolo
but on a happy note i spent all day w/ michael 2day, and i get to spend all day w/ him 2morrow. then he, paul & meredith are spendin the night here so we can leave early friday mornding for carowinds!! yay!! haha alrighty time for me to go to sleep
-*-Eowyn-*-
(this was a really random post, i started thinking about insightful things and i thought i was going to write about something else, but then the whole mocking/criticizing thing came to mind, & i just had to get it out. lolo)
l