(no subject)
So I've finally told him somewhat of how I feel. I'm afraid if I tell im too much then he won't want to be with me anymore so I held back. I dunno, it just seems like he keeps pulling away from me which I can understand with what he's going through and I totally get what I deserve for pulling away from him 2 years ago but geez. And I wouldn't let it get to me before but I keep wondering about Vegas and if that really was true or if it was made up lke he told me and then there's his leave and him posting bulletins and blogs about someone of whom he can't name. I dunno maybe it is just my insecurities getting the best of me but I'd just like to know what's going on and how he feels before I get in too deep. I already love him I know that so there's not much deeper I can go but we all try to save our hearts when we know they're in danger right? I have no doubt that this is the man I'd love nothing more than to spend the rest of my lif e with, have a family and grow old together but there's just something different and I can't put my finger on it. He no longer tells me how much he misses me and how he can't wait to see me. His messages just consist of nothing more than I'm still alive, which I love to hear, don't get me wrong but I'd still like to know that I'm the one he thinks about. His last phone call meant the world to me. And the survey he posted about seeing someone special and having a girlfriend which is obviously me but it made me feel good. And I know he thinks about me and talks about me a lot but it just seems like lately he doesn't wanna talk to me let alone be with me when he comes home. Yes, this is harder than I expected I will admit it but at the end of the day just knowing I was the one who helped get him through the day and I'm the one he wants to come home to is enough. The other thing is now that we're together and somewhat planning our future together like I mean we know we want to be together when he comes home, he should include me in the decision making process shouldn't he? Like him wanting to do back to back deployments, where we're going, what's going to happen. I mean I feel bad just coming in there being like ok this is what I want or even just voicing my opinion so I barely say anything about it because it's his decision wheather or not to re-enlist, where he wants to go and all that but it's also mine too and I dunno. I just want some time to settle in together and see how things go for a while before he has to go back again, which I know is inevitable but just give the poor guy a break. Let him come home, let us be together at least just for a little while and then we can see where things go from there. Honestly, if I had it my way (and I've thought about this a lot by the way) then when he comes home we'll move to whatever post we decide, not long after we'll get married and start our family. I know he'll want to stay in the army for probably a couple more enlistments maybe just one and then he'll get out and we'll move outside of the city with the kids and the dogs and have our farm house with the white picket fence. There will be a swingset in the backyard and we'll let the kids play while we sit on the porch and watch and then he'll get up and start throwing the ball around with the boys and I'll just look at him and know that sitting here going through all of this was more than worth it and how much I love him. Ok so maybe I've thought too far into this but I can actually see it happening and it's kind of scary because yeah I've pondered a life with one other person but I couldn't actually see it happening and with Marty I do. Maybe I'm just going nuts who knows. I just know what I feel, I know somewhat of what he feels and I know that yeah I've only had one night with him but from just that one night I miss his touch, the way he looked at me, the way he kissed me and I sometimes cry at night over how much I miss him and want him home with me. I keep trying to get through to him that it's not about me needing someone there, it's not about hat he can or can't give me. None of that matters. I just want him home and I love him and I'm going to be here no matter what. And yeah it kind of bothers me that he questions my motives but then again I question his and you have to question everything when it comes to matters of the heart. I hope he understands and doesn't take it the wrong way and that he actually writes me back instead of just reading it and not saying anything about it. Eh who knows. I just hope he's safe and enjoying his couple days off. I love him.