nothing is what it seems
i knew this would happen i knew it. i told myself not to get attached and that i couldnt possibly get attached and i fucking did. fuck me royaly!!!! so he didn't say but 2 words to me the whole night and when he left early he gave everyone a hug but me and didn't even say bye or anything. well then i asked tj to talk to him and find out some stuff and he told me he didn't find anything out so when i was outside balling my eyes out and kenan sat there with me and tried to comfort me we decided to go to denny's so when shan and i got in her car she told me there was something she had to tell me but made me promise not to tell anyone but of course i had to say something to tj. so i guess he said i'm awesome but i guess he hinted that rusty likes ashley (just reading that over is making me cry even harder as i'm already crying right now and have been for the past lets see here hmmm 3 hours)of course i always get the awesome but i dont like you like that. god i'm so glad i didnt have sex with him last night cuz i would be a lot worse right now and i'm already in pretty bad shape. ok so i get my heart broken twice in 2 weeks and find out the guy i like likes my best friend after spending a lot fo time with him which included getting really really close to doing it. but he held me so tight that i thought he'd never let me go and in the mean time i bet he was thinking about her. fucking god it hurts like a bitch!!! he made it seem like last night he didnt even care about her and today was the total opposite although he didnt say much to either of us. i just i dont know anymore. i'm so fucking sick of getting my heart broken!!! i'm gonna lock myself in my room forever and not come out and maybe eventually i'll starve to death and die. that seems like a good idea. i hope the next guy that comes along has a lot of fun breaking down my walls. i'm gonna build them so high that not even god can tear them down.
in all honesty, i ont let guys come before friends but if he like asks her out or something like even kisses her or she kisses him i swear i'll be so pissed i'll hate her forever. i hope to god she doesnt. please dont let that heppen cuz i'll really lose it.
so i didnt wanna be alone so i told jamie to call me and shes on the phone with her bf and wont get off it to talk to me so yeah thats a good friend. i know for a fact that if i'm on the phone with my bf and one of my friends tells me to call her cuz she needs someone to talk for fear of doing something crazy i'd let him go in a heartbeat cuz my bf will be there but my frind might not. i dont wanna be alone right now, i really dont. yeah moms here but she in the livingroom watching her shows and i came in crying and she asked me whats wrong but if i told her then all i'd hear is "well you know ang, i've told you before, guys arent worth it and how could you like him anyways" and thats not what i need to hear right now. i wish i had a really good friend i could call and that actually gave a shit about me but i dont think i have one of those which makes me feel even worse than i already do. i really really really dont wanna be alone right now, i really dont. i wanna stop crying but i cant it just keeps on going, my eyes burn, i'm sooooooooo tired and i promise you that i wont be able to sleep at all tonight, i'll prolly just keep crying. how is it possible to cry this much???? you'd figure after some point you'd run out of tears but they just keep coming. and i know i'm prolly over reacting but it hurts like mega mega mega bad. last night he made me feel so good about myself, saying i was soo cute and i wasnt fat at all and now i feel like a fucking fat ugly as fuck revolting blob. WHATS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?! am i not pretty enough, am i not smart anough, am i not skinny enough, this list goes on?!?!?!
well mom wants me to roll her cigarettes for me then clean the kitchen so i'm gonna go, maybe that'll occupy my mind for a little bit. i sure hope so. anyways, goodnight.
in all honesty, i ont let guys come before friends but if he like asks her out or something like even kisses her or she kisses him i swear i'll be so pissed i'll hate her forever. i hope to god she doesnt. please dont let that heppen cuz i'll really lose it.
so i didnt wanna be alone so i told jamie to call me and shes on the phone with her bf and wont get off it to talk to me so yeah thats a good friend. i know for a fact that if i'm on the phone with my bf and one of my friends tells me to call her cuz she needs someone to talk for fear of doing something crazy i'd let him go in a heartbeat cuz my bf will be there but my frind might not. i dont wanna be alone right now, i really dont. yeah moms here but she in the livingroom watching her shows and i came in crying and she asked me whats wrong but if i told her then all i'd hear is "well you know ang, i've told you before, guys arent worth it and how could you like him anyways" and thats not what i need to hear right now. i wish i had a really good friend i could call and that actually gave a shit about me but i dont think i have one of those which makes me feel even worse than i already do. i really really really dont wanna be alone right now, i really dont. i wanna stop crying but i cant it just keeps on going, my eyes burn, i'm sooooooooo tired and i promise you that i wont be able to sleep at all tonight, i'll prolly just keep crying. how is it possible to cry this much???? you'd figure after some point you'd run out of tears but they just keep coming. and i know i'm prolly over reacting but it hurts like mega mega mega bad. last night he made me feel so good about myself, saying i was soo cute and i wasnt fat at all and now i feel like a fucking fat ugly as fuck revolting blob. WHATS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?! am i not pretty enough, am i not smart anough, am i not skinny enough, this list goes on?!?!?!
well mom wants me to roll her cigarettes for me then clean the kitchen so i'm gonna go, maybe that'll occupy my mind for a little bit. i sure hope so. anyways, goodnight.