Just thinking.
Hey guys,(I say that as if anyone actually reads this thing and/or comments)
So basically, lately I've been realizing how lucky I am and how much I've overcome in my life. It blows my mind thinking about where I used to be...and where I am now. Most people in this world that have been where I have and dealt with the things that I've been through...either DON'T get over it or they need pills, therapists, intervention, etc to get past it. I have been at rock bottom so many times it's scary. I was so depressed that I didn't have a life. I didn't do anything but go from minute to minute trying to get through the day...day to day to get through the week. I should be dead by now with all of the times I've broken down wanting to kill myself. I had it planned out..I had so many different ways that I'd do it. I couldn't keep friends because I was so wrapped up in trying to push myself through the next thing that would smack me down. I'd come home crying, be made fun of for crying, then fight, then sleep to take the pain away, then eat to get some sort of comfort, then sleep again. I slept my life away and when I wasn't sleeping I was crying or fighting or feeling trapped and alone. I felt like I didn't even know what positive thinking was...all I knew was that everything in my life was negative and I thought negatively because of it.
I was constantly seeking some sort of approval, attention, help. The more I looked for it, the more I got hurt, the emptier I felt, the more alone I ended up. I'd stay in relationships that were extremely unhealthy because I had nothing else; I was so desperate for anyone to care. My whole world was just dark and hopeless. I had no control over it and I just kept trying to get through it all.
I think I got tired of it all being such a huge spiral. I think I knew I needed to change SOMETHING. I really couldn't do that if I was in my parents house. I was going through so much OUTSIDE of my house that it was just so much more intensified when I was at home going through the bullshit they put me through. I never felt so helpless as when I was at home. I never felt so alone and empty...I never felt so boxed in and caged as when I was in my house. Even when I could walk outside..I had nowhere to go. I knew I needed to get out of the situation...I needed to take some sort of drastic measure. My senior year I tried talking to social workers. They couldn't do shit. They actually wanted to talk to my parents. I'm like...that would make it worse!! What are you kidding me? Their hands were tied because I was so afraid of my family, yet I didn't want to be taken away because they were also the constant in my life. I didn't know what to do. I was failing 4 classes..it seemed pointless to even try anymore. My friend who had been trying to get me out of my house since I was 14 was moving down to Savannah. I was going to go with him. The week before he was supposed to move down, I got in a huge fight with my parents and couldn't take it anymore. I packed my bags and moved in with my ex David. Day before my friend moved down..I got guilted into going home. Thank God..He must have been pushing me for that month because I went home...passed all four classes I was failing with a ton of extra credit and make up work. I did one whole semester of Poli Sci in a week online. I graduated.
I went to college, but my mindset was so fucked up from not ever being able to deal with anything that I started skipping every class. I met fucked up people..even though I also met my "sister" there. I was in a bad place and withdrew my second semester. Parents weren't too happy, but I got a job and life's been moving since then. I wasn't treated very well at Petsmart, so I quit. God pushed me in a different direction and now I work as a teacher and I love every second of it. I finally got rid of David for good and now I'm with the love of my life. I think God's really helping me out right now.
But all I can think is...I've beat it. I beat the depression, I beat the downward spiral, I climbed out of the ditch and I'm at a good place. I'm where I want to be. How many people can say they've been to rock bottom, they've been through hell...and they, by themselves..and God of course, have obtained stability, have found a path that works, found happiness, found confidence, learned how to control their own life, how to change something if you don't like where you're at, how to be strong, how to love themselves and love other people, how to live and live the way they want to instead of settling. ETC ETC.
I changed my whole mindset. I don't let small things bring me so far down anymore. I don't let myself get so overwhelmed and stressed out that I breakdown. I don't throw a pity party. I sit down, think about the problem, come up with a solution and follow through. It's so simple and it's scary to think how complicated it seemed. To me, I have options...everyone has options. I never thought that before. My thoughts were so controlled by my parents and depression. Now I see clearly. No more fucked up reality.. just the REAL world. I'm just lucky. I never thought I'd say that...I'm LUCKY. I'm blessed. I'm a good person. I don't beat myself up anymore. I know who I am and what I want and if you don't like it fuck you, I love who I am. It's just like. Amazing.
I'm happy.
I'M HAPPY.
I want to scream it to the world. I'M HAPPY AND LIFE IS GOOD.
So basically, lately I've been realizing how lucky I am and how much I've overcome in my life. It blows my mind thinking about where I used to be...and where I am now. Most people in this world that have been where I have and dealt with the things that I've been through...either DON'T get over it or they need pills, therapists, intervention, etc to get past it. I have been at rock bottom so many times it's scary. I was so depressed that I didn't have a life. I didn't do anything but go from minute to minute trying to get through the day...day to day to get through the week. I should be dead by now with all of the times I've broken down wanting to kill myself. I had it planned out..I had so many different ways that I'd do it. I couldn't keep friends because I was so wrapped up in trying to push myself through the next thing that would smack me down. I'd come home crying, be made fun of for crying, then fight, then sleep to take the pain away, then eat to get some sort of comfort, then sleep again. I slept my life away and when I wasn't sleeping I was crying or fighting or feeling trapped and alone. I felt like I didn't even know what positive thinking was...all I knew was that everything in my life was negative and I thought negatively because of it.
I was constantly seeking some sort of approval, attention, help. The more I looked for it, the more I got hurt, the emptier I felt, the more alone I ended up. I'd stay in relationships that were extremely unhealthy because I had nothing else; I was so desperate for anyone to care. My whole world was just dark and hopeless. I had no control over it and I just kept trying to get through it all.
I think I got tired of it all being such a huge spiral. I think I knew I needed to change SOMETHING. I really couldn't do that if I was in my parents house. I was going through so much OUTSIDE of my house that it was just so much more intensified when I was at home going through the bullshit they put me through. I never felt so helpless as when I was at home. I never felt so alone and empty...I never felt so boxed in and caged as when I was in my house. Even when I could walk outside..I had nowhere to go. I knew I needed to get out of the situation...I needed to take some sort of drastic measure. My senior year I tried talking to social workers. They couldn't do shit. They actually wanted to talk to my parents. I'm like...that would make it worse!! What are you kidding me? Their hands were tied because I was so afraid of my family, yet I didn't want to be taken away because they were also the constant in my life. I didn't know what to do. I was failing 4 classes..it seemed pointless to even try anymore. My friend who had been trying to get me out of my house since I was 14 was moving down to Savannah. I was going to go with him. The week before he was supposed to move down, I got in a huge fight with my parents and couldn't take it anymore. I packed my bags and moved in with my ex David. Day before my friend moved down..I got guilted into going home. Thank God..He must have been pushing me for that month because I went home...passed all four classes I was failing with a ton of extra credit and make up work. I did one whole semester of Poli Sci in a week online. I graduated.
I went to college, but my mindset was so fucked up from not ever being able to deal with anything that I started skipping every class. I met fucked up people..even though I also met my "sister" there. I was in a bad place and withdrew my second semester. Parents weren't too happy, but I got a job and life's been moving since then. I wasn't treated very well at Petsmart, so I quit. God pushed me in a different direction and now I work as a teacher and I love every second of it. I finally got rid of David for good and now I'm with the love of my life. I think God's really helping me out right now.
But all I can think is...I've beat it. I beat the depression, I beat the downward spiral, I climbed out of the ditch and I'm at a good place. I'm where I want to be. How many people can say they've been to rock bottom, they've been through hell...and they, by themselves..and God of course, have obtained stability, have found a path that works, found happiness, found confidence, learned how to control their own life, how to change something if you don't like where you're at, how to be strong, how to love themselves and love other people, how to live and live the way they want to instead of settling. ETC ETC.
I changed my whole mindset. I don't let small things bring me so far down anymore. I don't let myself get so overwhelmed and stressed out that I breakdown. I don't throw a pity party. I sit down, think about the problem, come up with a solution and follow through. It's so simple and it's scary to think how complicated it seemed. To me, I have options...everyone has options. I never thought that before. My thoughts were so controlled by my parents and depression. Now I see clearly. No more fucked up reality.. just the REAL world. I'm just lucky. I never thought I'd say that...I'm LUCKY. I'm blessed. I'm a good person. I don't beat myself up anymore. I know who I am and what I want and if you don't like it fuck you, I love who I am. It's just like. Amazing.
I'm happy.
I'M HAPPY.
I want to scream it to the world. I'M HAPPY AND LIFE IS GOOD.