damn insecurities.
Have you ever felt like you never really fit in anywhere? That no matter where you go, you'll really never fit in?
Well, this feeling is something I've battled with my whole [teen to adult] life. In my head, I know it's stupid, but it's almost always there.
In a group, I tend to feel someone will always like another person more, that they have more of a connection, a connection that I could never have with them. I can't really explain it any other way. Like they've known each other longer, so why should I be able to have such a meaningful relationship with them?
I feel like I'm always searching for some sort of connection with others. I love love love deep, meaningful, caring relationships of all kinds. I want and need them so badly for my social, mental, physical, and emotional well-being.
But something is there that makes me feel like I'm on the outside looking in. That I don't belong; that I don't belong in a particular group, that I'll always be out of the loop. I don't want that. It scares me. I don't want to feel this shitty.
I really don't want to come off as a needy kind of person, and I think it sometimes comes across like that. I guess it's part of my damn attempt to make a deeper connection. I try to reach out to others, and when it's not reciprocated, I feel almost like I failed in some way. That I wasn't good enough. I am so terrified that I'll go through life and make only a couple of deep connections, if at all. Sometimes I just feel so very, very alone.
I want that special special guy friend who I can go to to feel safe and protected, who knows me inside and out, and still wants to be by my side. I have a couple close girly friends, but I feel like I'm lacking some testosterone. Someone who has my back.
Goddamn the insecurities. There are so many triggers. My weight being one of them. Not feeling good enough, pretty enough, smart enough...to have special relationships. I do my best to work through things, but they will always be there to a certain degree.
Perhaps being adopted is also a trigger. Who knows.
I just get so sick of my insides telling me I feel like an outsider.
Well, this feeling is something I've battled with my whole [teen to adult] life. In my head, I know it's stupid, but it's almost always there.
In a group, I tend to feel someone will always like another person more, that they have more of a connection, a connection that I could never have with them. I can't really explain it any other way. Like they've known each other longer, so why should I be able to have such a meaningful relationship with them?
I feel like I'm always searching for some sort of connection with others. I love love love deep, meaningful, caring relationships of all kinds. I want and need them so badly for my social, mental, physical, and emotional well-being.
But something is there that makes me feel like I'm on the outside looking in. That I don't belong; that I don't belong in a particular group, that I'll always be out of the loop. I don't want that. It scares me. I don't want to feel this shitty.
I really don't want to come off as a needy kind of person, and I think it sometimes comes across like that. I guess it's part of my damn attempt to make a deeper connection. I try to reach out to others, and when it's not reciprocated, I feel almost like I failed in some way. That I wasn't good enough. I am so terrified that I'll go through life and make only a couple of deep connections, if at all. Sometimes I just feel so very, very alone.
I want that special special guy friend who I can go to to feel safe and protected, who knows me inside and out, and still wants to be by my side. I have a couple close girly friends, but I feel like I'm lacking some testosterone. Someone who has my back.
Goddamn the insecurities. There are so many triggers. My weight being one of them. Not feeling good enough, pretty enough, smart enough...to have special relationships. I do my best to work through things, but they will always be there to a certain degree.
Perhaps being adopted is also a trigger. Who knows.
I just get so sick of my insides telling me I feel like an outsider.