Why?
I find myself asking myself the same question over and over again and daily.
It starts when I wake up.
Though my eyes and face look half-dizzy with sleep, my mind's fully alert.
Why are you in my head? Why am I keeping you here?
There's usually no response. I didn't have one until last Thursday. A very informative, long talk with my boyfriend gave me the answer.
I keep them around to fill that meaningless hole in my heart.
It's not really logical. I never knew my birth father, don't even want to meet him. But...still. Growing up without that male figure in my life strains things for me. I guess that's why I obsess over things so much and so badly.
I strive for them to try and fill that hole in my heart, even temporarily.
The subjects of my obsession give me someone to look up to. Inspire ideas and dreams for me to look forward to every month, week, day, etc.
All the Muses in my head now weren't all there. It began with one. Bright Eyes. She's been around since I was nine or so. I just thought of her as that tiny little voice in the back of my head telling me what was wrong and what was right. More recently, around seventh grade, I personified her. In my head, she was tall, about 5'8", looked to be in her twenties with dark, wavy hair, pale skin and a serious authoritive and maternal presence. Oh. Did I mention she has tattoos? Lots of 'em. I made her the driving force behind my stories. The one who dropped an idea in my head that could make a multi-chapter story or a little drabble.
Around March of this year, one of my very best friends-slash-soul sisters [as I like to call them] introduced my longest running obsession [other than 30STM] to date to me. J-Rock.
Normally, I would've been turned off by the language barrier, but when Beta-chan practically forced Alice Nine onto me, I haven't been the same. "RAINBOWS" was the first single I ever liked from them and everything exploded from there. It made me realize, 'Well, 30STM isn't the only musical geniuses who are involved in music because they love it and their love for their fans.'
Next came ScReW, SuG and finally, my primary obsession now [with still massive respect to Alice Nine for making the pathway for me] The GazettE. I believe my first PV from them was "Filth in the Beauty" and it was another mindswitching perspective.
One by one the Muses popped up in my head and stayed.
I've got all of Alice Nine [because I use them frequently], a few ScReW members, and all of the GazettE. There's a few stray Muses from other places in there too....
What the hell do I know? Do I keep a headcount? No.
XD