(no subject)
Okay... this is really hard for me. But I think I'm ready to admit it. I have a problem. And I think I need help.
I know that you won't admit it.. You got me into this shit.. and now you think it's so fucking funny. You said you're not addicted to anything... You don't need drugs. But the truth is, you do. Every fucking day you come home from work, and you tell me that you need to get high... And I tried so fucking hard to beat it. I tried to help you.. But you wouldn't even accept the fact that there was a problem. You were just FINE. And now I've fallen into the trap. I denied it for awhile, because you know what? I have people who care about me... people who aren't drug addicts, people who are truly my friends and family. And I didn't want them to see how much trouble I was in.. I didn't want them to see the hurt in my eyes or hear it in my voice, I really didn't want them to feel the desperation that I feel.. I didn't want to even see it myself. I was fine too... just fucking peachy. But really... look at me. I'm still trying to deny it. Everyday, I try to tell myself that I don't want it.. And when you ask me if I want to go.. I tell you no... because deep down, I know I really don't... I don't fucking want this to be my life.. this isn't fucking ME.. And then my body kicks in... I can taste it... feel it.. see it... even HEAR it.. FUCKING A.. I'm sorry but I need to leave... I can't do this anymore.. My dad is coming up here friday... I'll be spending Thanksgiving with you.. I know I told you I wouldn't leave.. But I'm going to... I HAVE TO...I know I told you I was fine, and that everything would be alright. But I'm not okay.. And if I stay up here any longer, I'm going to die. I'm not just saying that to scare you.. I'm serious. *sigh*
I told you that I couldn't call him, because if I did, whether I told him or not, he would know.. you didn't believe me. You said it wasn't possible, to just act happy.. tell him about our place, tell him I'm okay, and I have a job. And I did.. And he didn't say a word.. he was silent.. and the only thing he said to me was "Why don't I come pick you up, and you come down here and live with me..??" Doesn't that tell you something? You cried. All night. Telling me to just leave, get the fuck out of your face, and out of your life.. telling me not to look back.. and not to ever bother with you again, because I'm just gonna be like everyone else.. and leave you.
You know what... it's not like that.. And I don't want it to BE like that. I still wanna call you.. I still wanna hang out when you have the time. But you know.. my life is chaotic right now, and I can't handle that. I need things to be in order, I need to be sober, I need college, and believe it or not, I need my dad. Maybe you think that's childish.. but you live with your parents don't you? Because you need them.
You can't see what I'm saying, and that's why it's so difficult to explain it to you... You think it's fine, becuz I have a place to live, food in my belly, a warm bed and I'm goin' to school, and I have a job. But in my head. It's fucked up. I'm lost.. I'm hurting. I don't have any identity. I'm living off of your parents... I never know if I'm gonna be kicked out or not.. I clean everything.. do dishes, sweep, scrub, vacuum, dust, pick up, organize.. I do EVERYTHING... And I'm still scared. And you come home, and sometimes you're all pissed off, and I'll have no clue why, and you'll take it all out on me. And I just spent the entire day, making everything nice, so you'd be happy.
What was up with the other night..?? "Oh look sexy for me when I get home... Dress up nice, ya know in case I decide to take you out to dinner.." So I did.. I picked out my nicest clothes and looked as good as I could... and where did we go? CINDY'S HOUSE. Ugh. Fuck that.
I thought I could deal with Cindy.. I didn't like her to begin with.. but I figured I'd be civil with her, and a friendship formed. And now you tell me... NOW you tell me that you cheated on me... with her. That night that you were out all night and you went to her house.. you told me that things COULD have happened, but they DIDNT.. because you realized that you loved me, and you didn't want to do that, because you didn't want to lose me, you told me that you pushed her away, and told her you needed to leave, because of me. But why did you even BOTHER telling me all of those things, if you fucked her anyway? You did.. so you shoulda told me that you DID.. or not have even MENTIONED where you were at all.. that was pretty stupid. How can I trust you now? You what? I was actually beginning to trust you... What now? I'm paranoid. Why is it that everytime I've been with someone, and they've cheated on me... they come home and accuse ME of cheating??? what the fuck..
Arron accused me of cheating on him with Keil when he was fucking Sandy..
Ellissa accused me of cheating on her with some Jen chick, when she was fucking Farrah...
And now you accuse me of cheating on you in general.. when you were fucking Cindy...
Now I shall know, when I am wrongly accused of cheating, the person I am with, is probably doing so.
Anyways. To make a long story short.. I'm leaving. If you wanna talk to me, I'll leave you with the number.. If you don't, and you just wanna forget me. Then Goodbye. Maybe I'll see you again someday...
I know that you won't admit it.. You got me into this shit.. and now you think it's so fucking funny. You said you're not addicted to anything... You don't need drugs. But the truth is, you do. Every fucking day you come home from work, and you tell me that you need to get high... And I tried so fucking hard to beat it. I tried to help you.. But you wouldn't even accept the fact that there was a problem. You were just FINE. And now I've fallen into the trap. I denied it for awhile, because you know what? I have people who care about me... people who aren't drug addicts, people who are truly my friends and family. And I didn't want them to see how much trouble I was in.. I didn't want them to see the hurt in my eyes or hear it in my voice, I really didn't want them to feel the desperation that I feel.. I didn't want to even see it myself. I was fine too... just fucking peachy. But really... look at me. I'm still trying to deny it. Everyday, I try to tell myself that I don't want it.. And when you ask me if I want to go.. I tell you no... because deep down, I know I really don't... I don't fucking want this to be my life.. this isn't fucking ME.. And then my body kicks in... I can taste it... feel it.. see it... even HEAR it.. FUCKING A.. I'm sorry but I need to leave... I can't do this anymore.. My dad is coming up here friday... I'll be spending Thanksgiving with you.. I know I told you I wouldn't leave.. But I'm going to... I HAVE TO...I know I told you I was fine, and that everything would be alright. But I'm not okay.. And if I stay up here any longer, I'm going to die. I'm not just saying that to scare you.. I'm serious. *sigh*
I told you that I couldn't call him, because if I did, whether I told him or not, he would know.. you didn't believe me. You said it wasn't possible, to just act happy.. tell him about our place, tell him I'm okay, and I have a job. And I did.. And he didn't say a word.. he was silent.. and the only thing he said to me was "Why don't I come pick you up, and you come down here and live with me..??" Doesn't that tell you something? You cried. All night. Telling me to just leave, get the fuck out of your face, and out of your life.. telling me not to look back.. and not to ever bother with you again, because I'm just gonna be like everyone else.. and leave you.
You know what... it's not like that.. And I don't want it to BE like that. I still wanna call you.. I still wanna hang out when you have the time. But you know.. my life is chaotic right now, and I can't handle that. I need things to be in order, I need to be sober, I need college, and believe it or not, I need my dad. Maybe you think that's childish.. but you live with your parents don't you? Because you need them.
You can't see what I'm saying, and that's why it's so difficult to explain it to you... You think it's fine, becuz I have a place to live, food in my belly, a warm bed and I'm goin' to school, and I have a job. But in my head. It's fucked up. I'm lost.. I'm hurting. I don't have any identity. I'm living off of your parents... I never know if I'm gonna be kicked out or not.. I clean everything.. do dishes, sweep, scrub, vacuum, dust, pick up, organize.. I do EVERYTHING... And I'm still scared. And you come home, and sometimes you're all pissed off, and I'll have no clue why, and you'll take it all out on me. And I just spent the entire day, making everything nice, so you'd be happy.
What was up with the other night..?? "Oh look sexy for me when I get home... Dress up nice, ya know in case I decide to take you out to dinner.." So I did.. I picked out my nicest clothes and looked as good as I could... and where did we go? CINDY'S HOUSE. Ugh. Fuck that.
I thought I could deal with Cindy.. I didn't like her to begin with.. but I figured I'd be civil with her, and a friendship formed. And now you tell me... NOW you tell me that you cheated on me... with her. That night that you were out all night and you went to her house.. you told me that things COULD have happened, but they DIDNT.. because you realized that you loved me, and you didn't want to do that, because you didn't want to lose me, you told me that you pushed her away, and told her you needed to leave, because of me. But why did you even BOTHER telling me all of those things, if you fucked her anyway? You did.. so you shoulda told me that you DID.. or not have even MENTIONED where you were at all.. that was pretty stupid. How can I trust you now? You what? I was actually beginning to trust you... What now? I'm paranoid. Why is it that everytime I've been with someone, and they've cheated on me... they come home and accuse ME of cheating??? what the fuck..
Arron accused me of cheating on him with Keil when he was fucking Sandy..
Ellissa accused me of cheating on her with some Jen chick, when she was fucking Farrah...
And now you accuse me of cheating on you in general.. when you were fucking Cindy...
Now I shall know, when I am wrongly accused of cheating, the person I am with, is probably doing so.
Anyways. To make a long story short.. I'm leaving. If you wanna talk to me, I'll leave you with the number.. If you don't, and you just wanna forget me. Then Goodbye. Maybe I'll see you again someday...