(no subject)
YOu can just ignore this entry... just a bunch of venting... and it probably wont make sense....
Do you know how hard it is to try and please two people at once... and then still try and find time to make yourself happy? The confusion is mad there... and I wish I could just stand strong again and tell one how I truly feel and walk away... but my loving peace maker personality always gets in my way and I fail to do so.. Keri tells me that I can't leave for Halloween.. I'm not allowed to see my family and friends, simply because she doesn't trust Heather, and she thinks that I will get ahold of or even fuck the "cunt" as she calls my exgirlfriend Ellissa... She's always telling me to just leave her, and don't look back.. and if I go down to my town for Halloween, we are done, and I might as well bring my things with me, and not bother returning to this town.. for she won't ever want to see my face again.. for she believes it will hurt her too much.. Then I have my exgirlfriend.. Ellissa... She's down in Dover, and I want to see her... We've been talking lately.. somewhat secretly.. and making plans to try and get back together.. she tells me that she loves me more than anyone in this world, and that she regrets everything she's ever done to hurt me.. and that she would do anything to have me back in her arms.. I know that I love her.. and she is probably the only one who will own my heart... but I'm stuck here... you see... I try to take as much time as possible out of my day to try and get ahold of Ellissa... check my emails, and every so often I get a phone call from her.. I try to make my plans to have someone come and get me and bring me down there... so that I can see her and be happy.. and see her truly smile once again.. And then I also have to go around the times that Keri is working.. and these days I never know when that is.. I could be on the phone with Ellissa... and she could show up at my door... and I have to hang up the phone really quick.. and even though my heart is still beating really fast.. I have to pretend that everything is okay, and give her a kiss and a hug and play it all up.. I feel like an asshole.. but at the same time I don't... Keri is good to me most of the time.. but on the other hand she's not.. She tries her hardest to treat me well.. but she's into drugs.. she can't spend one day without needing to get high in one way or another... weed, cocaine, crack, alcohol, shrooms, valium, oxys, you names it.. If she had saved all of her money instead of using it to get high most of the time... I think she'd have quite a bit... and honestly I'd probably be a bit happier then... she could have more gas in her tank to go on longer trips... we could develop our pictures and take more.. we could spend SOBER time together... and I could get to know what she's really thinking.. besides the "durrr... i love you" shit... But I guess I will never know.. And she's got all of these rules for me.. because I think she's really insecure about losing me... She says that she trusts me.. just not anywhere out of her sight... Which really isn't trust... And I can't cut my hair.. I can't wear certain clothes... I can't go see my family and friends down in Laconia without her there with me... she really wants to meet my sister Debi and my mom... so she says I can go on a day that SHE is available... She doesn't like me going to the library... She doesn't like me walking around town that much by myself either.. I can't go for a long walk over to see Stephanie and the baby.. because I might not be home when she gets out of work... Last night we were hanging out with Mel, Kayte, and Lauren.. and we drove up to Brookside, and we saw Jen Frezel and her baby walking.. and they were all talking about how she's a dyke.. and that she's ugly and shit... and I just started laughing.. and Keri was like "what?" I told her that I had a blind date to meet that chick, and I was supposed to hook up with her, because Ellissa was with Gigi then... and I ended up standing her up... And she was like "Why the fuck do you tell me this shit? Just to piss me off or what?" And I had no fucking clue where that came from... It wasn't meant to anger anyone.. but whatever... I'm expected to love her and rub her everynight, and hold her all through the night, and not move.. even if she's pissed me off by telling me she hates me and she wants to fuck someone else, If I turn away.. she's like "What? You're not going to hold me now??" I don't know... But I'm getting sick of acting.. I'm almost tempted to just tell her instead of sneaking off without her knowing... Tell her EVERYTHING... and then to make it worse.. tell her I'm leaving and I'm going to be with Ellissa... But I'm afraid I'll get shot... heh...
Life is just wonderful eh? -Tiffany-
Do you know how hard it is to try and please two people at once... and then still try and find time to make yourself happy? The confusion is mad there... and I wish I could just stand strong again and tell one how I truly feel and walk away... but my loving peace maker personality always gets in my way and I fail to do so.. Keri tells me that I can't leave for Halloween.. I'm not allowed to see my family and friends, simply because she doesn't trust Heather, and she thinks that I will get ahold of or even fuck the "cunt" as she calls my exgirlfriend Ellissa... She's always telling me to just leave her, and don't look back.. and if I go down to my town for Halloween, we are done, and I might as well bring my things with me, and not bother returning to this town.. for she won't ever want to see my face again.. for she believes it will hurt her too much.. Then I have my exgirlfriend.. Ellissa... She's down in Dover, and I want to see her... We've been talking lately.. somewhat secretly.. and making plans to try and get back together.. she tells me that she loves me more than anyone in this world, and that she regrets everything she's ever done to hurt me.. and that she would do anything to have me back in her arms.. I know that I love her.. and she is probably the only one who will own my heart... but I'm stuck here... you see... I try to take as much time as possible out of my day to try and get ahold of Ellissa... check my emails, and every so often I get a phone call from her.. I try to make my plans to have someone come and get me and bring me down there... so that I can see her and be happy.. and see her truly smile once again.. And then I also have to go around the times that Keri is working.. and these days I never know when that is.. I could be on the phone with Ellissa... and she could show up at my door... and I have to hang up the phone really quick.. and even though my heart is still beating really fast.. I have to pretend that everything is okay, and give her a kiss and a hug and play it all up.. I feel like an asshole.. but at the same time I don't... Keri is good to me most of the time.. but on the other hand she's not.. She tries her hardest to treat me well.. but she's into drugs.. she can't spend one day without needing to get high in one way or another... weed, cocaine, crack, alcohol, shrooms, valium, oxys, you names it.. If she had saved all of her money instead of using it to get high most of the time... I think she'd have quite a bit... and honestly I'd probably be a bit happier then... she could have more gas in her tank to go on longer trips... we could develop our pictures and take more.. we could spend SOBER time together... and I could get to know what she's really thinking.. besides the "durrr... i love you" shit... But I guess I will never know.. And she's got all of these rules for me.. because I think she's really insecure about losing me... She says that she trusts me.. just not anywhere out of her sight... Which really isn't trust... And I can't cut my hair.. I can't wear certain clothes... I can't go see my family and friends down in Laconia without her there with me... she really wants to meet my sister Debi and my mom... so she says I can go on a day that SHE is available... She doesn't like me going to the library... She doesn't like me walking around town that much by myself either.. I can't go for a long walk over to see Stephanie and the baby.. because I might not be home when she gets out of work... Last night we were hanging out with Mel, Kayte, and Lauren.. and we drove up to Brookside, and we saw Jen Frezel and her baby walking.. and they were all talking about how she's a dyke.. and that she's ugly and shit... and I just started laughing.. and Keri was like "what?" I told her that I had a blind date to meet that chick, and I was supposed to hook up with her, because Ellissa was with Gigi then... and I ended up standing her up... And she was like "Why the fuck do you tell me this shit? Just to piss me off or what?" And I had no fucking clue where that came from... It wasn't meant to anger anyone.. but whatever... I'm expected to love her and rub her everynight, and hold her all through the night, and not move.. even if she's pissed me off by telling me she hates me and she wants to fuck someone else, If I turn away.. she's like "What? You're not going to hold me now??" I don't know... But I'm getting sick of acting.. I'm almost tempted to just tell her instead of sneaking off without her knowing... Tell her EVERYTHING... and then to make it worse.. tell her I'm leaving and I'm going to be with Ellissa... But I'm afraid I'll get shot... heh...
Life is just wonderful eh? -Tiffany-