I don't know anymore...

[sweetlildevil]

Okay, so, I'm at the library.. It's been awhile, I've spent a week away from the computer and the internet and all of that jazz.. and now I'm back... What can I say? Things haven't exactly been the greatest.. but at the same time they've been alright.. I called my Mom down in Gilford, and she's really NOT doing well at all... her diagnoses just keep piling up and her body is basically shutting down... she's in the hospital all the time now... and she's having a really hard time finally facing the fact that she's going to die... and that she doesn't have much time left.. all the other times the doctors told her things... she always faced it with a positive attitude, and said that she'd be alright, and continued to go on with her dancing and her life.. and now she can barely move... she can't really be around that many people, because she has no immune system to be able to handle it.. My nephew went to her house the other day with a cough, and she ended up in the hospital with pneumonia, almost dead once again.. she's okay now... she's out of the hospital but she's not doing well... I called her this morning and I asked her if there was anything I could do to help her.. or to make her happy.. She just told me to keep doing good... keep myself happy... get my life in order and do what makes me happy... she said that's all she ever wanted, was for me to just be okay, safe, and happy... I started crying... and I told her that I loved her.. and that I was trying my hardest to do everything I can for myself... because at this point in time, I'm the only person in my life that I really have that's going to always be there and love myself no matter what... and she was like "well, you know I will always love you Tiffany.. and I'm sorry that I can't help you as much as I would like to right now.. I'm sorry that I can't be there for you like you need right now.. but I'm dying.. it's hard for me to say that.. but it's reality.. don't ever forget that I love you though.." I had to let her go, because someone was calling her on the other line.. I just sat there and cried for a few minutes... Everything is so fucked up lately.. I mean.. Keri's family reminds me of mine in so many ways... and it makes me more homesick than ever... and the more i get to thinking... the more depressed I get, because I realize that my family is slipping away from me... once my mother is gone, so is my family... because Missy will take over, and completely seclude me... I hate her so fucking much...

I don't know what's wrong with me... I'm going fucking crazy.. I need my Lissy... I just need her to magically appear and wrap her arms around me so I can just cry and let it all go... Yeah, Keri is a great person, and I'm happy where I am right now.. But everytime I look into her eyes, I feel as though I'm looking past her, and searching for Ellissa.. everytime she wraps her arms around me and tells me that she loves me.. I close my eyes and imagine it's really Ellissa who's there holding me.. I mean, I hate to do that to Keri.. it's really not exactly fair.. but what else can I do? I love Ellissa so fucking much.. and no matter what I do, I just can't seem to get over the fact that I need her.. and that it's only her... yeah, other people can attract me.. other people can make me feel "good"... but there is NO feeling in the WORLD like the feeling that I get with Ellissa... I miss her so much... And I'm afraid to even talk to her right now because of the way I've been feeling.. I've been hearing about how happy she is with her new girlfriend... and I've seen pictures... and read a few of the things her girl said to her.. and everything seems to be going fine with her... I'm happy for her, but at the same time... it hurts more than anything... shes so connected to my heart that when she flies away from me.. it pulls at me and physically hurts me...

I don't know... I'll write more later... I just want out of here...