Brain Diarrhea
Can I just say once again how much I LOVE my man!!! He's so awesome to let me call him when I'm upset and need a friend. I've been told that stressing to your man doesn't do any good but to me it does a world of good. He is the only person on this damn earth who knows me inside out and who is patient enough to walk me through whatever it is I'm dealing with. I always ask him if I'm stressing him out and he always says no and that he wants to help me. Even if its only an ear that he can lend there is still nobody I'd rather talk to. It's so uplifting to know I have a best friend in the man I'm going to marry *s*
Girlfriends RAWK but I'd still much rather talk about the deep things I'm feeling with Jon. It's just the way it goes I guess. I've never really I had a gf who I could tell everything to :( Either they can't relate or they just don't want to hear about the shit I have to whine about. Jon doesn't judge me and doesn't care what it is I'm struggling with. I can tell he intently listens and does his best to offer me his most sincere advice.
I've been having a hard time figuring out who I am as a person lately. I feel like I'm still struggling to find my identity. I don't know who I want to be yet. I think I give off the impression I'm confident in my own skin when I'm really not. Not even close. I feel sometimes like I'm still back in highschool trying to fit in somewhere. It's distressing how I think everything has to be met by a certain timeline. I feel like I'm so far behind everyone else in life experiences that its not even funny. I am definatly holding on to the past too much and its keeping me from being happy with myself. I'm agonizing alot over certain choices I've made and what certain people have done to me. I guess I'm just not one of those people who can easily let go.
I find it very hard to even force myself to go out and go for a walk. I'm THAT shy and always worried about people looking at me or saying something to me. If any of you are put off by that...there's the door and you can take me off ur favorites lists. I am who I am and I won't apologize for it. But yeah....I def worry too much what the hell other people think of me. It all goes back to what has happened in the past and my inability to let go. I deal with things ia a passive manner and avoid social situations like the plague. Is it the person I want to be for the rest of my life, hell no! Am I going to completely change? No, not likely but will I make an effort at least, yes.
I plan to start over new in California. I don't feel like the environment I'm in right now is the place to do that. I am very alone here and while some people can make changes within themselves without anyone in their corner, I can't. I don't have anyone in my corner here. I have people online but that's not the same thing. I need to have people in my real life to help cheer me on, ya know?? My family could care less and would rather be there for me when they see an opportunity to knock me down as opposed to cheering me on. It's a sad reality but meh. Life is a lot fucking harder than I thought it would be.
I'm going to draw up a very detailed goal plan for myself and STICK to it. I've tried that before but I always set goals that weren't realistic. I need to find things I can actually do and am willing to do. I mean something like "run a mile across wheat fields in france" is not realistic :P I need to set goals for myself that will bring about change as well as challenge myself. I tend to slack off and just stay away from anything that represents even a hindrance of difficulty. I have got to stop doing that. I am missing out on so many things by doing that. I'm sure of it. I can't be afraid to live life and I can't keep worrying about failing at something because failure does make a person stronger, no???
I've made some friends online that live near to where I'll be living and that's great. I'm fine with meeting new people. I just know that for the first few weeks to a month I probably won't feel like doing much without Jon. We've been apart so long that ofcourse its natural for us to want to spend every waking moment together, no?? I don't think I'll be able to do much without him at first. Once time goes by and I get more familiar with the area, process the millions of emotions I'm going to be feeling and establish a routine, then I can see myself doing more things independantly. This ain't no damn easy transition I'm about to make. It's huge from where I sit!!! I can't even imagine what its going to be like to leave a life I'm used to and start over again. I just wish that time would hurry up and get here so I could get excited about starting over, ya know?
I'm just so happy Jon and I are on the same page about the major issues. We aren't going to have kids. We don't want kids and we would rather focus on ourselves. That may sound selfish but there's nothing wrong with not being a parent. Some people just aren't cut out for it and I'll admit that I'm one of those people. I dont need to be a mother to feel worthy of living, ya know? I imagine I'll be a pet momma and that's just fine with me. I've grown up around dogs and cats and I don't think I can remember a time when we didn't have them around. I'm destined to have lots of furballs around me and who knows, maybe I'll find a job where I can help them out for the better?
Wow, this entry was certainly all over the place. I'll go now before I bore you all to tears haha.
Girlfriends RAWK but I'd still much rather talk about the deep things I'm feeling with Jon. It's just the way it goes I guess. I've never really I had a gf who I could tell everything to :( Either they can't relate or they just don't want to hear about the shit I have to whine about. Jon doesn't judge me and doesn't care what it is I'm struggling with. I can tell he intently listens and does his best to offer me his most sincere advice.
I've been having a hard time figuring out who I am as a person lately. I feel like I'm still struggling to find my identity. I don't know who I want to be yet. I think I give off the impression I'm confident in my own skin when I'm really not. Not even close. I feel sometimes like I'm still back in highschool trying to fit in somewhere. It's distressing how I think everything has to be met by a certain timeline. I feel like I'm so far behind everyone else in life experiences that its not even funny. I am definatly holding on to the past too much and its keeping me from being happy with myself. I'm agonizing alot over certain choices I've made and what certain people have done to me. I guess I'm just not one of those people who can easily let go.
I find it very hard to even force myself to go out and go for a walk. I'm THAT shy and always worried about people looking at me or saying something to me. If any of you are put off by that...there's the door and you can take me off ur favorites lists. I am who I am and I won't apologize for it. But yeah....I def worry too much what the hell other people think of me. It all goes back to what has happened in the past and my inability to let go. I deal with things ia a passive manner and avoid social situations like the plague. Is it the person I want to be for the rest of my life, hell no! Am I going to completely change? No, not likely but will I make an effort at least, yes.
I plan to start over new in California. I don't feel like the environment I'm in right now is the place to do that. I am very alone here and while some people can make changes within themselves without anyone in their corner, I can't. I don't have anyone in my corner here. I have people online but that's not the same thing. I need to have people in my real life to help cheer me on, ya know?? My family could care less and would rather be there for me when they see an opportunity to knock me down as opposed to cheering me on. It's a sad reality but meh. Life is a lot fucking harder than I thought it would be.
I'm going to draw up a very detailed goal plan for myself and STICK to it. I've tried that before but I always set goals that weren't realistic. I need to find things I can actually do and am willing to do. I mean something like "run a mile across wheat fields in france" is not realistic :P I need to set goals for myself that will bring about change as well as challenge myself. I tend to slack off and just stay away from anything that represents even a hindrance of difficulty. I have got to stop doing that. I am missing out on so many things by doing that. I'm sure of it. I can't be afraid to live life and I can't keep worrying about failing at something because failure does make a person stronger, no???
I've made some friends online that live near to where I'll be living and that's great. I'm fine with meeting new people. I just know that for the first few weeks to a month I probably won't feel like doing much without Jon. We've been apart so long that ofcourse its natural for us to want to spend every waking moment together, no?? I don't think I'll be able to do much without him at first. Once time goes by and I get more familiar with the area, process the millions of emotions I'm going to be feeling and establish a routine, then I can see myself doing more things independantly. This ain't no damn easy transition I'm about to make. It's huge from where I sit!!! I can't even imagine what its going to be like to leave a life I'm used to and start over again. I just wish that time would hurry up and get here so I could get excited about starting over, ya know?
I'm just so happy Jon and I are on the same page about the major issues. We aren't going to have kids. We don't want kids and we would rather focus on ourselves. That may sound selfish but there's nothing wrong with not being a parent. Some people just aren't cut out for it and I'll admit that I'm one of those people. I dont need to be a mother to feel worthy of living, ya know? I imagine I'll be a pet momma and that's just fine with me. I've grown up around dogs and cats and I don't think I can remember a time when we didn't have them around. I'm destined to have lots of furballs around me and who knows, maybe I'll find a job where I can help them out for the better?
Wow, this entry was certainly all over the place. I'll go now before I bore you all to tears haha.