(no subject)
So I don't even remember the last time I wrote in this thing. I don't know why...maybe too busy... But now as I sit in the airport with no pen and no paper and I great need to get these feelings out I use this forum.
I don't want to return to work on Monday. As much as I love my students I don't know if I can hack it as a second grade teacher. 70 hours/week working is burning me out and I dread the bell that starts the day. This isn't the way it was supposed to be. I was supposed to love my job, to really be making a DIFFERENCE. But instead, I pull my hair out, scream, and end each day in tears knowing that my students did not get a good day's worth of learning. And after all this I return to my empty room, with roommates that make me feel awkward and I collapse-- not wanting to look at another piece of paper or grade another test.
So for 3 months I have been counting down the days to Thanksgiving break. A week that was never supposed to end. He picked me up in Cleveland and from the first time I saw him I couldn't stop kissing him and hugging him. Personal and affectionate contact that I had so craved since I left Oberlin in August after Institute. 3 months we were separated and for a whole week we were able to love each other and be with each other in a way I never thought possible. And I finally felt like I had a partner. Someone who would be with me through all the stress and complaining. Someone to hold my hand and talk to in uncomfortable situations. Someone to just lie in bed with, laugh, and smile. That first night we were together I felt like I could breathe for the first time since summer.
And now I have left him again and I already miss him and crave his touch.Crave his smile and his arms around me. Maybe this sounds cheezy, but I don't know if I have ever loved someone like this. And nobody understands. Everyone thinks I could do better. Yes he hurt me immensely 6 months ago. Yes it is a possibility that it could happen again. But I have chosen to forgive him and to trust him again and cannot wait for when he joins me in Oakland and we no longer have to leave each other. I am so sick of leaving.
I don't want to return to work on Monday. As much as I love my students I don't know if I can hack it as a second grade teacher. 70 hours/week working is burning me out and I dread the bell that starts the day. This isn't the way it was supposed to be. I was supposed to love my job, to really be making a DIFFERENCE. But instead, I pull my hair out, scream, and end each day in tears knowing that my students did not get a good day's worth of learning. And after all this I return to my empty room, with roommates that make me feel awkward and I collapse-- not wanting to look at another piece of paper or grade another test.
So for 3 months I have been counting down the days to Thanksgiving break. A week that was never supposed to end. He picked me up in Cleveland and from the first time I saw him I couldn't stop kissing him and hugging him. Personal and affectionate contact that I had so craved since I left Oberlin in August after Institute. 3 months we were separated and for a whole week we were able to love each other and be with each other in a way I never thought possible. And I finally felt like I had a partner. Someone who would be with me through all the stress and complaining. Someone to hold my hand and talk to in uncomfortable situations. Someone to just lie in bed with, laugh, and smile. That first night we were together I felt like I could breathe for the first time since summer.
And now I have left him again and I already miss him and crave his touch.Crave his smile and his arms around me. Maybe this sounds cheezy, but I don't know if I have ever loved someone like this. And nobody understands. Everyone thinks I could do better. Yes he hurt me immensely 6 months ago. Yes it is a possibility that it could happen again. But I have chosen to forgive him and to trust him again and cannot wait for when he joins me in Oakland and we no longer have to leave each other. I am so sick of leaving.