Alone
My day at work ended with me walking through the dark hallway alone only able to hear my shoes clicking on the floor and the sound of the fishtank in the foyer. Kind of symbolic if you ask me. Alone. I've felt extremely alone for the past few days. Well, ever since Saturday.
I suddenly can't talk to the people who were my friends. When it came down to choosing between two people, I wasn't the one they picked and I can't blame them for that at all, but I can be hurt. I am hurt. My circle of friends that I can talk to has suddenly shrunken to less than the number of fingers I have on one hand. The only people I feel would really listen and care? Jen, Becky, and Jairus if I were still in regular contact with him. It's sad when you think about it. Hell, it's sad for me to think about.
Today might have been the hardest. It's the 23rd. Two months to the day and instead of walking out of an airport terminal hand in hand with the one I love, I'm walking down an empty dark hallway to go home to an empty house.
You know how they say you can be the most alone when you're in a crowded room? It's true. I wanted to cry all day today, but I couldn't let myself. Today was a day for my kids. It was a day for them to celebrate and be happy. Now I'm sitting here and I really don't know if I have any tears left. It's weird when you go from feeling so much that you can't stop crying to feeling to much that you just can't feel anymore. You can't distinguish emotions any longer. You're on edge and just want to scream. I want to sleep so that time passes, but I haven't been able to make it through a night since Thursday.
I have always loved the holidays, but this year I'm just not in the mood. I don't want Thanksgiving, and I don't even want Christmas. I'll give gifts, but suddenly all the things that I really wanted don't seem that important. I don't want to spend Thanksgiving with my family. I really don't want to spend it with anyone. I'm not looking for pity or sympathy...I'm not even really looking for understanding. I'm not looking for anything.
I'm not saying these things because I'm dependent. Mostly, it's just that I've seen how great every day can be (even the bad days) when you can share it with someone you love with all your heart. I've seen it and I've had it taken away....possibly only momentarily, but quite possibly forever.
I'm trying as hard as I can to be strong and not let the rest of the little pieces of my world fall apart, but I don't know how long I can do it. I was strong for 7 months because I knew that when that time was up there was something to look forward to, but I'm exhausted now and I don't have any answers.
I suddenly can't talk to the people who were my friends. When it came down to choosing between two people, I wasn't the one they picked and I can't blame them for that at all, but I can be hurt. I am hurt. My circle of friends that I can talk to has suddenly shrunken to less than the number of fingers I have on one hand. The only people I feel would really listen and care? Jen, Becky, and Jairus if I were still in regular contact with him. It's sad when you think about it. Hell, it's sad for me to think about.
Today might have been the hardest. It's the 23rd. Two months to the day and instead of walking out of an airport terminal hand in hand with the one I love, I'm walking down an empty dark hallway to go home to an empty house.
You know how they say you can be the most alone when you're in a crowded room? It's true. I wanted to cry all day today, but I couldn't let myself. Today was a day for my kids. It was a day for them to celebrate and be happy. Now I'm sitting here and I really don't know if I have any tears left. It's weird when you go from feeling so much that you can't stop crying to feeling to much that you just can't feel anymore. You can't distinguish emotions any longer. You're on edge and just want to scream. I want to sleep so that time passes, but I haven't been able to make it through a night since Thursday.
I have always loved the holidays, but this year I'm just not in the mood. I don't want Thanksgiving, and I don't even want Christmas. I'll give gifts, but suddenly all the things that I really wanted don't seem that important. I don't want to spend Thanksgiving with my family. I really don't want to spend it with anyone. I'm not looking for pity or sympathy...I'm not even really looking for understanding. I'm not looking for anything.
I'm not saying these things because I'm dependent. Mostly, it's just that I've seen how great every day can be (even the bad days) when you can share it with someone you love with all your heart. I've seen it and I've had it taken away....possibly only momentarily, but quite possibly forever.
I'm trying as hard as I can to be strong and not let the rest of the little pieces of my world fall apart, but I don't know how long I can do it. I was strong for 7 months because I knew that when that time was up there was something to look forward to, but I'm exhausted now and I don't have any answers.