(no subject)
Today's the day... there's suposed to be a few people showing up at my work so i can show them where Sabrina used to live.. because honestly not many people ever actually visited her.. she kinda cut herself off from the world after she was forced to drop out.. her only real connections were her fiancee and a handful of other people... which i wouldn't really include myself in concidering anymore i lost touch with her since christmas last year... her old 'boss' is sending flowers to my work because he didn't know her address.. it was an unofficial job that she took over from me doing filing for our glasses maker.
When going through EMT class you hear about the stages of grief but you don't really believe you'll go through ALL THAT.. well i did and it's very very strange.. i was even mad at her..from a third person perspective it's like 'why is that person mad? the person they are mad at cannot do anything about it anymore and it was there time.. albeit earlier than anyone wanted.. but it was their time.. otherwise they'd still be here.' and then being the person in the situation is more of 'damnit she knew what she had to do to prevent it and she didn't do it and now look where it's gotten her, stupidstupidstupid' denial is always the first because 'she's not REALLY dead... if i called and asked for her she'd still come to the phone' can't say i felt resentment as much though maybe a little after the anger..depression alot though keeping busy and crying myself pretty much to sleep the first night helped...acceptance is what i'm coming to terms with.. and it helps that i've been there for some of my friends who've taken it harder and that i've been the one calling some of them to tell them the news.. though i'm still racking my brains remember who knew her.
When going through EMT class you hear about the stages of grief but you don't really believe you'll go through ALL THAT.. well i did and it's very very strange.. i was even mad at her..from a third person perspective it's like 'why is that person mad? the person they are mad at cannot do anything about it anymore and it was there time.. albeit earlier than anyone wanted.. but it was their time.. otherwise they'd still be here.' and then being the person in the situation is more of 'damnit she knew what she had to do to prevent it and she didn't do it and now look where it's gotten her, stupidstupidstupid' denial is always the first because 'she's not REALLY dead... if i called and asked for her she'd still come to the phone' can't say i felt resentment as much though maybe a little after the anger..depression alot though keeping busy and crying myself pretty much to sleep the first night helped...acceptance is what i'm coming to terms with.. and it helps that i've been there for some of my friends who've taken it harder and that i've been the one calling some of them to tell them the news.. though i'm still racking my brains remember who knew her.