Life in Her Yet
I've been thinking on this for a long time. And especially regarding my last post, back in 2017, back after I lost mom and was struggling with mortality, and my own feelings about it, it's important to journal now. Now, three years later, where I've worked so hard to be where I am.
Lots has changed.
We went through some rough times.
We went through some really rough times.
We had a lot of people we thought were great come into our lives, we had even more leave.
We came to the realization that we went on a journey of a lot of growth to get better, and even if those people hadn't left on their own, they have no place in your life now.
We became stricter with the people we let in, and the people we let stay. And the people we let stay, we developed better, healthier relationships with. They stayed, because they either made us better, or grew with us, and they made us realize that we don't really miss the people who left. At all.
We don't regret them. They were good for us, at the time they came to us. But they're gone, and whatever lessons they taught us are duly learned. And we don't want them back.
For years I lamented the stressed out mess of a functional young adult I used to be, and now that I live a life with a lot of hard boundaries for myself, the people who came and stayed, and my professional life, I'm the most okay I've ever been. And as I've said to some of the people close to me now: I've worked long and hard to respect myself this much. I love myself too much, to let you, your actions, or your words take that from me.
So, we're okay now.
We accepted we actively enjoyed life alone. We explored the thought of queer platonic because we were just going to be a huge disappointment to any cishet partner. Whether it's conditioned or just a part of me, a conventional relationship was always going to be out of the cards. I can't give enough, physically, emotionally, mentally, etc. The burn out was too real. The ability to self reflect and pay better respects to my own needs protected me from a lot of situations that would have just made me unhappy in the long run. And it's not like I didn't try to make it work with these people. But at the end of the day, it wasn't me, and neither was it right for me.
Friends we had all but forgot about, came back, and they helped us be better. They became some of the healthiest friendships we've ever had. They made the friendships we kept, be better. They made us learn where we were toxic and improve, and they gave us space to ask for boundaries and respect. They're good people. Them coming back was a freaking God send.
We finally got burnt out with our family. We finally drew hard boundaries with them. We have the healthiest relationships with them we're ever going to get. And we're ready for them to die any day.
We got a dog. He keeps us going. He adds one more passion to an objectively abysmal life. But hey, we're getting better.
We found a partner. They're broken like us. They're good for us. It's hilarious that we spent years saying we would never want a Marcucial, or an Everin, and that's exactly what we ended up with. But like the people who came, and the people who stayed, it's been proven we have space for boundary and to have our needs met. So things have been great. We had our first year anniversary, and here we are.
We even got back into the work force after three years of rock bottom bumming it. This is the first job that has also allowed for good, healthy boundaries, and respect. This is the first job that when we walk into the door, they're genuinely excited to see us. In four months, we received unexpected promotions. And it's been clearly indicated by December, they'll be pushing for management. It's an alien experience to have them see your worth, and do so in a way that makes you see it too.
I'm finally with people who let me see myself through their lens, and I mean that over all in my life. And I'm finally growing into a person that also deserves the people I have now.
So like, hey, past me. It gets better. We tried so hard. And we've got to keep trying. We're back in counselling, and we're confirmed ptsd. We're dealing with trauma like being molested, and realizing that has led into situations we excused for years as a "misunderstanding", but was truthfully rape. We had the experience and the sheer terror of someone telling us "I don't want to feel like I'm raping you" while they held you down.
It should have never happened. But we're better now. We're getting better. We'll never let it happen again.
We've reviewed things that we had apparently forgot. Like the time we were witness to an attempted murder suicide by our uncle. Or all the psychotic episodes my brother had where he threw various household items at us, or became destructive in the house, knowing that we were seconds away from being hit. We were only twelve? Thirteen? We were lucky we came out the other side physically untouched. We remember crying in hospitals. We remember having stalker, allegedly abusive exes try to find us. We remember all the emotional weight we had to pull in highschool, finding people who had tried to kill themselves, dealing with the abusive parentage of our friends. Dealing with friends who were manipulative and abusive as well. Just... dealing with the abusive living situations and only coming to terms with it as adults.
Finding kinship in shared traumas with people we should have stayed closer with.
We had to take a good long look at how broken we are. We had to recognize that we have valid, and deep traumas, and that when things hit rock bottom, they all blew up in our face.
But it get better.
We're back in counselling. We're in a healthy living space, with a partner who, though we can only give so much, is madly in love with us. We have a job that values us. We have friends who we are enough for, who love us deeply, and know we love them.
We're a better person.
So, 2017 me. Mortality still sucks. But we're doing better. It does get better. It will get better still.