(no subject)
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
JERRY: Tonight on the Jerry Springer show we have a particularly interesting episode! Mona is here to finally confess something to a long-time friend of his Kristen. So everyone please put your hands together for Mona!
Jerry: Okay, now Mona you're here to talk about someone aren't you?
You: Yes.
Jerry: And what is this other persons name?
You: Burke.
The crowd SQUEALS with delight.
Jerry: Okay, okay, well Burke, is actually here tonight...
The crowd SQUEALS once more.
Jerry: But first we have a surprise for you Mona, because as it happens there is someone else here to see YOU! So let's bring out... Anna!
You: What the HELL!!!
Out of nowhere you pull out a Gun. Anna reaches for the Pillow. Out of the shadows Davin appears.
Davin: Wait everybody wait!
Jerry: Yes, everybody let's just calm down for a moment here. First tell us why you're here Anna.
Anna: Because I saw Mona and Davin making out at Toronto!
The crowd goes absolutely INSANE.
Davin: That's a lie! I was home watching 24!
Jerry: (raising his hands) Hold on, hold on, I'm missing the problem here...what exactly IS the problem Anna?
Anna: Because I've recently been taking part in a sexual relationship with Kristen who has recently become engaged to Davin.
The crowd hollers, screams and whoops in an orchestra of orgasmic excitement.
Jerry: Okay, okay. Well why don't we bring Kristen out here because Mona had something that they needed to tell them anyway about... Burke that's right!
Kristen: (enters onto stage and saunters over towards you) What's the deal? I saw you outside getting it on with Burke! You know I'm how I feel about Burke!.
Davin: (screams) What? Why the hell did you ask me to marry you if you're in love with Burke!
Kristen: Because I knew that I could never have Burke. But Mona promised me that they'd never hook up out of respect for my feelings!
Davin: What about respect for MY feelings!
Anna walks suddenly across the stage, embracing Kristen.
Anna: Don't worry baby, you don't need any of them now that you have me.
Again the crowd SQUEALS.
Davin: Oh my God! Are you SICK!
Davin runs across the room and wraps their arms around you tightly.
Davin: Mona take me away from all of this!
You: You see? That's the thing...I'm...well, I'm married...
The crowd does its bit.
Davin: Married?
You nod.
Davin: Who the hell are you married to? When...when did this happen? I don't understand!
You: The other day. In Vegas. I'm married to Burke.
Kristen: (screaming) WHAT!!!
Jerry: (grinning widely, makes an enquiry) So...did you have a nice wedding night?
Burke: (stepping back out onto center stage) Well we had sex 9 times if that's what you mean.
The crowd squeals.
Jerry: Okay, okay. So let me get this all straight... Mona is married to Burke who Kristen has secretly been in love with for years and years. Now Kristen has recently become engaged to Davin who was recently spotted kissing Mona in the Toronto. Now on top of this Anna has just admitted to being in a sexual relationship with Kristen.
Burke: That's right Jerry.
Jerry: (looking sternly into the camera) It is times like these that one has to wonder, whether or not these people are aware that they are quite clinically insane. Perhaps we should be spending more on psychiatric health funds in this country, perhaps we should just ban Vegas to cut down on impulse marriages. Perhaps I should get a new job. Thanks for watching folks it's been great but for now...it's goodnight.
Queue cheesy background music and fade to black.