Performance Anxiety
So, I'm trying to figure what I want and what I'll have to do to get it...
I love music, I don't think I could get away from it even if I wanted to try. I'm studying music education, on the path to becoming a music teacher. I think I want more than that though. I definitely want to teach, I love to teach music. I have a cello student, and I get excited every time I teach. I've been drawing some inspiration from that. which leads me to a dilemma. I would like to get a masters in performance; however, I am in no way ready or prepared to be a performance major...I am just not good enough or have the repertoire down for that...currently, that is. Or I could go directly into teaching or a masters in education; however, I don't know that I would feel as fulfilled feeling that my performance level is not where I want it to be. I really want to better myself as a musician, but it will be a whole lot of work. As in, I need to start practicing 6 hours a day, to even begin to get to the level I need to be and maintain it. Six hours...that's a quarter of every day. My schedule is already pretty crazy, as always, and I'm already starting to feel exhausted. And I have trouble sometimes focusing for only a couple of hours, much less 6 hours. Right now it feels rather disheartening. I just need to figure out how much I want it, and if it's worth it. I totally think it would be, but I don't know if I have the discipline for it anymore. In any case, this one is all on me. There's not really anyone pushing my to succeed but me, and I'm tired.
I think part of my problem is that I feel stuck in so many ways. I just need to break the shell that's holding me together, which would put me in a position where I might break. I don't like to appear vulnerable, but I am. I try to ignore it and remain confident, but I hurt like hell on the inside.
No worries though, I will just have to remain strong until I figure it out. If I do break, I'll just put the pieces back together again and soldier on...I always have a back-up plan :-)
I love music, I don't think I could get away from it even if I wanted to try. I'm studying music education, on the path to becoming a music teacher. I think I want more than that though. I definitely want to teach, I love to teach music. I have a cello student, and I get excited every time I teach. I've been drawing some inspiration from that. which leads me to a dilemma. I would like to get a masters in performance; however, I am in no way ready or prepared to be a performance major...I am just not good enough or have the repertoire down for that...currently, that is. Or I could go directly into teaching or a masters in education; however, I don't know that I would feel as fulfilled feeling that my performance level is not where I want it to be. I really want to better myself as a musician, but it will be a whole lot of work. As in, I need to start practicing 6 hours a day, to even begin to get to the level I need to be and maintain it. Six hours...that's a quarter of every day. My schedule is already pretty crazy, as always, and I'm already starting to feel exhausted. And I have trouble sometimes focusing for only a couple of hours, much less 6 hours. Right now it feels rather disheartening. I just need to figure out how much I want it, and if it's worth it. I totally think it would be, but I don't know if I have the discipline for it anymore. In any case, this one is all on me. There's not really anyone pushing my to succeed but me, and I'm tired.
I think part of my problem is that I feel stuck in so many ways. I just need to break the shell that's holding me together, which would put me in a position where I might break. I don't like to appear vulnerable, but I am. I try to ignore it and remain confident, but I hurt like hell on the inside.
No worries though, I will just have to remain strong until I figure it out. If I do break, I'll just put the pieces back together again and soldier on...I always have a back-up plan :-)