Just remember the phones ring both ways....
Sigh. What a weekend. Its all over now, and I am not sure how to take it. This is by far the worst b-day I have ever had...well 18 wasn't so hot either. Who gets dumped on their b-day? ME. I really need to stop this. It has seem to become a pattern with almost every bf I have ever had, well minus Brandon because he was really cheating on me. I am convinced every guy I date cheats on me. I think it is because my dad cheated on my mom when i was 5, and they divorced due to this. it doesn't bother me at all cause I really don't remember it, but i see how it affected my mom, and i see myself in her a lot. My sister never has these problems, why do I?
I drove him away, again. I know why. I can't stop. I accused him over and over and over and over, til one day I thought he would just say "YES I WANT HER BACK" but he never did. When he wasn't talking to me I checked his e-mail. He sent his friend these pictures of himself that for months i thought were pics of him and her. I was wrong. DEAD WRONG. he told me over and over they were just of him, and he was right. I fucked up, drove him crazy, and drove him away. If i had just shut my mouth, if I just stopped calling. If I just had some confidence in myself....if i just...yeah.
He text messaged me today. I was shocked. i told him what i did last night, and he said "that's pretty funny" He is the only person i can relate to when it comes to my sense of humor. Most shit that i find funny, others dont. Later today, during the superbowl, I text messaged him back and told him that was the last time he was going to hear from me. I'm sticking to it. I have too, I have four months left in college, and i need good grades so i can go on.
I was talking (well crying) with my mom on my b-day. I was telling her how i really cannot think of anyone else i would want. I have NO desire to have sex at all. All my friends are like..."Oh its your b-day, go get laid!!" no thanks. I peed my bed instead. I told my mom also that i just want to focus all my time and energy on school now. I want a hot job. I want to be a corporate bitch who wears suits to work everyday, drives a really nice car, lives alone in a hot apartment, and never has to depend on anyone. The thought of marriage makes me want to puke. I don't think I am ever going to be able to get married, cause i cannot get over this fear of cheating.
As bad as it sounds, Damen is the only bf I ever had that i never cheated on. I know this is contradicting myself from the beginning of my journal, but the reason I used to cheat was because I feel i constantly need praise and acceptance. When Damen didn't give it to me, I would think he was mad at me or cheating on me. My mom says I need to get help because I am a "Gorgeous girl who has A LOT to offer" but I don't see that. I see ugly, bad hair, stereo-typical blond, can't drive, cant do anything for herself. it hurts. it hurts so bad i feel like i could be getting an ulcer.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I think i might go home and drop outta school. I have no ambition to go to class, yet I want some stellar education. yuck. I don't feel so hot, gtg.
I drove him away, again. I know why. I can't stop. I accused him over and over and over and over, til one day I thought he would just say "YES I WANT HER BACK" but he never did. When he wasn't talking to me I checked his e-mail. He sent his friend these pictures of himself that for months i thought were pics of him and her. I was wrong. DEAD WRONG. he told me over and over they were just of him, and he was right. I fucked up, drove him crazy, and drove him away. If i had just shut my mouth, if I just stopped calling. If I just had some confidence in myself....if i just...yeah.
He text messaged me today. I was shocked. i told him what i did last night, and he said "that's pretty funny" He is the only person i can relate to when it comes to my sense of humor. Most shit that i find funny, others dont. Later today, during the superbowl, I text messaged him back and told him that was the last time he was going to hear from me. I'm sticking to it. I have too, I have four months left in college, and i need good grades so i can go on.
I was talking (well crying) with my mom on my b-day. I was telling her how i really cannot think of anyone else i would want. I have NO desire to have sex at all. All my friends are like..."Oh its your b-day, go get laid!!" no thanks. I peed my bed instead. I told my mom also that i just want to focus all my time and energy on school now. I want a hot job. I want to be a corporate bitch who wears suits to work everyday, drives a really nice car, lives alone in a hot apartment, and never has to depend on anyone. The thought of marriage makes me want to puke. I don't think I am ever going to be able to get married, cause i cannot get over this fear of cheating.
As bad as it sounds, Damen is the only bf I ever had that i never cheated on. I know this is contradicting myself from the beginning of my journal, but the reason I used to cheat was because I feel i constantly need praise and acceptance. When Damen didn't give it to me, I would think he was mad at me or cheating on me. My mom says I need to get help because I am a "Gorgeous girl who has A LOT to offer" but I don't see that. I see ugly, bad hair, stereo-typical blond, can't drive, cant do anything for herself. it hurts. it hurts so bad i feel like i could be getting an ulcer.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I think i might go home and drop outta school. I have no ambition to go to class, yet I want some stellar education. yuck. I don't feel so hot, gtg.