(no subject)
how can this just now be occuring to me? as each day passes i realize more and more how little i know. how i'm just walking around in the dark all the time without really having any idea as to what i'm actually doing. i feel so pretentious giving anyone advice. i don't know a thing so how can i go throwing my two cents in everywhere? it just seems absurd how i can give such a shit about things that don't even have anything to do with me. that ultimately i know absolutely nothing about. what a fool. i hate work. i wish i just had to go to school and nothing else. i realize more and more how completely blind i am as to how hard i am going to have to work for things. i thing they'll just fall in my lap and happen when they're supposed to, but what if they don't? what if this life of work, work, work is all i end up with? i can't imagine it. i can't imagine how depressing it would make me. then i think of all the people who do have to live like that and have no option other than to cope. i need to stop digging myself into these holes i know i am incapable of climbing out of. why can't i just stop. i put forth more than i am capable of or can offer. i don't want to keep sinking deeper and deeper. i want to start finding ways to get out and start over. what would i really do if i didn't have someone to reach down and pull me out? i don't even have that. i'm scared to think that all my hard work will only be to pull me out. how long will it take to resurface? what if it only continues to get worse? frightening is all i can think of. i really need to learn to be more realistic than i am. i think i know so much and am so aware of my surroundings and actions, but it's all just bullshit. not intentionally, but just having a mind set of thinking i know better. i know no better. i do no better. so i can't continue to act like i'm better than these things. it's so ridiculous to just wish for things to get better without any real effort. please, thats never going to happen. i need to just fully accept my immaturity and turn it around. god i am so scared of things never turning around though. i am afraid my fear keeps good things from getting in, telling myself that maybe the good things that are getting in are just enough, but i know there is so much more to be had. i don't want to be frightened anymore. in a lot of ways. i want to feel able to trust him, even though i know i can't yet. unpredictability lies around each corner and i never know what you're going to come out at with me next. i hope and want this feeling to be mutual, because i can feel that it can be good. i don't want to keep people at a distance forever. i want to be able to let them in and experience good without feeling so afraid of being hurt. i know i just have to let this go and observe his actions to see just how careful he'll be to keep things positive. i think sometimes the only thing we need is a little reassurance to get us by. things will work out, i just need some faith, dedication, and hard work. i can come out of this on the bright side.