My Brain Feels Like a Tilt-a-Whirl...
Once again, the desperate need to vent has driven me out of hiding. Not the angry ranty kind of venting, though, I'm just working through some things in my head and I think writing it down might ground me a little bit.
Boys. *sigh* If I'm not moaning about weight loss, I'm moaning about boys, right? Well, one boy, really: Dan. We had our Talk a few months ago, where I actually got him to clarify what our relationship was to him. My line was, "So is this just a friends thing for you, or what?" And his answer was, "... That's the way it feels to me, yeah. I'm sorry." I told him sincerely, "That's fine, Dan, I just needed to know." So, it was awkward for a few weeks but we settled into a nice rhythm that I think we were both comfortable with. We were still flirty with each other, and we still cuddled up together, but it was light and easy- I finally knew where I stood with him; I was on even footing. I was enjoying the innocent flirting, knowing that it didn't mean anything more than simple affection between two people that really do care about each other.
But then...
A few weeks ago Dan broke out flavored massage oil. I don't really know how it came about- he just really wanted to give me this massage, and of course I was into it. But I didn't realize at first that it was going to be a stripped-down-lickable-massage-oil kind of massage. It didn't go any further that night; I was so bone-dead tired that it didn't really occur to me at the time. But if something like that happens again, I think I'd have a much more... enthusiastic response, 'cause man, that boy is good with his hands. Again, though, I chose to just stay the course, and not think too much about what he might be thinking. Analyzing everything for possible subtext was what got me into this mess in the first place, after all.
But then...
Last week has my head spinning. He had been not-so-subtly hinting that I was due for another massage. I kept hemming and hawing about it, until last week when he really asked me why not. He assumed I didn't want one because I didn't like the first massage. I finally admitted that I liked it too much, and that I just didn't think it was a good idea. He sort of let the subject drop after that, and we went back to our normal cuddling, so I thought everything was back on track. But all night we'd been listening to a thunder storm get closer and closer, so right before I left we decided to go play in the rain. We walked for a bit- not really talking, but it was a comfortable silence. Then we stopped to watch the lightning as the rain came down, and he stood behind me with his arms around my waist and rested his chin on my shoulder. My whole body stiffened when he suddenly said, "Can I ask you something and have you not get mad?" Bad sign, right? I was like, "Um... okay?" And then there it was: "Have you ever been kissed in the rain?" I said no, all shy and quiet, and he answered, "Do you want to be?" ... Wow. I was speechless. YES, I wanted to be!! But oh, such a bad idea. Which is basically what I told him when I was able to speak again. I'm really happy to say he took the decision out of my hands- he turned me around, put his hands on either side of my face, and gave me some of the most amazing kisses of my life. I'm talking full-on harsh breathing, body quivering, knot in the stomach kind of kissing. Honestly, I'm getting a little shaky right now just thinking about it. I don't know if it was an earth-moving moment for him, exactly, but I have no doubt that was one of the top five kisses I'm likely to get for the rest of my life. And I don't mean that in a pathetic way, I mean that it was seriously just that good.
So here I am again, listening to my head and my heart and hormones go around in circles. On the one side, I think I'd be nuts to not want a beautiful boy I'm crazy about to kiss me in the rain. I've had so little passion in my life- so few instances where I've really felt beautiful or sexy in someone else's eyes. I love the way I feel around him, I know that he would never intentionally hurt me, and I am ridiculously attracted to the guy. So part of me is thinking, why not enjoy it while I can? Why shouldn't I finally have some experiences of my own, instead of living vicariously through everyone else? Even if it hurts later... who wants to live a life so cautiously that they never get hurt? Isn't putting yourself out there and experiencing life to the fullest, squeezing every drop of joy out of every possible moment, sort of the point?
But the truth is that I am scared. I've opened myself up to him so many times, and I've been rejected every time. Gently, yes, but being rejected sucks no matter how nicely the news is delivered. Dan has serious, unshakable potential to break my heart- he's so important to me now, and I can already feel just how easy it would be to tumble head over heels for him if I let my guard down. It makes me feel kind of stupid- all he has to do is open his arms to me and I just fall right in them, knowing all the while that I'm probably going to be crying somewhere down the line because I let it happen. It's like, how many times do I have to be told "no" before I get the picture and stop deluding myself that it means something more? I know that he cares about me, he really enjoys being with me, and that I'm important to him, but I really don't think he's in nearly as much danger here as I am. I don't think Dan is going to fall in love with me, and after everything we've been through I don't know if I'll ever really believe he wants to be with me in "that way." Honestly, even if he did, I don't know what I would do. Because now we're close enough that the whole "but what would happen to our friendship?" question bubbles to the forefront of my brain with annoying frequency.
The really frustrating part is that a few months ago I would have been perfectly happy to have all kinds of adult-rated fun with Dan, even without the boyfriend label. But then he said he didn't want me, and I'm having a really hard time getting past that. Nothing much has changed; if he didn't want me then I don't see why he'd want me now, and how long will it be before he doesn't want me again? How long before I start questioning again what I'm missing, what indefinable quality I lack that means he can love me as a person and be attracted to me and still not want me.
I know I have the option to say no, that I can resist him and put a stop to all of the physical stuff, but the truth is that in the deepest, most selfish and lonely corner of my heart... I just plain don't want to. Despite how much my head argues to the contrary. I like it too much. Being around him, being in his arms, it just makes me feel completely comfortable in who I am and what I have to offer. I feel sexy, and smart, and confident, and special- and there are several circles of hell I'd walk through before I'd give that up.
So for now, at least, I guess I'm going to try to keep things light and easy like they have been. Chalk up that incredible kiss to a great moment I'll be able to look back on and smile for a long time to come, and accept that it's only a matter of time before he finds someone else to lavish all that wonderful touchy-feely affection on. The question I'm left with, though, is whether I should allow myself to grab what I can while it's still available. I'm going to be seeing him again in a few days, and if he tries to kiss me again or come on to me in some way... I really don't know how I'll react. Protect myself and my heart like I always have, or run with it and cross the Consequence bridge when I come to it?
Decisions, decisions...
Boys. *sigh* If I'm not moaning about weight loss, I'm moaning about boys, right? Well, one boy, really: Dan. We had our Talk a few months ago, where I actually got him to clarify what our relationship was to him. My line was, "So is this just a friends thing for you, or what?" And his answer was, "... That's the way it feels to me, yeah. I'm sorry." I told him sincerely, "That's fine, Dan, I just needed to know." So, it was awkward for a few weeks but we settled into a nice rhythm that I think we were both comfortable with. We were still flirty with each other, and we still cuddled up together, but it was light and easy- I finally knew where I stood with him; I was on even footing. I was enjoying the innocent flirting, knowing that it didn't mean anything more than simple affection between two people that really do care about each other.
But then...
A few weeks ago Dan broke out flavored massage oil. I don't really know how it came about- he just really wanted to give me this massage, and of course I was into it. But I didn't realize at first that it was going to be a stripped-down-lickable-massage-oil kind of massage. It didn't go any further that night; I was so bone-dead tired that it didn't really occur to me at the time. But if something like that happens again, I think I'd have a much more... enthusiastic response, 'cause man, that boy is good with his hands. Again, though, I chose to just stay the course, and not think too much about what he might be thinking. Analyzing everything for possible subtext was what got me into this mess in the first place, after all.
But then...
Last week has my head spinning. He had been not-so-subtly hinting that I was due for another massage. I kept hemming and hawing about it, until last week when he really asked me why not. He assumed I didn't want one because I didn't like the first massage. I finally admitted that I liked it too much, and that I just didn't think it was a good idea. He sort of let the subject drop after that, and we went back to our normal cuddling, so I thought everything was back on track. But all night we'd been listening to a thunder storm get closer and closer, so right before I left we decided to go play in the rain. We walked for a bit- not really talking, but it was a comfortable silence. Then we stopped to watch the lightning as the rain came down, and he stood behind me with his arms around my waist and rested his chin on my shoulder. My whole body stiffened when he suddenly said, "Can I ask you something and have you not get mad?" Bad sign, right? I was like, "Um... okay?" And then there it was: "Have you ever been kissed in the rain?" I said no, all shy and quiet, and he answered, "Do you want to be?" ... Wow. I was speechless. YES, I wanted to be!! But oh, such a bad idea. Which is basically what I told him when I was able to speak again. I'm really happy to say he took the decision out of my hands- he turned me around, put his hands on either side of my face, and gave me some of the most amazing kisses of my life. I'm talking full-on harsh breathing, body quivering, knot in the stomach kind of kissing. Honestly, I'm getting a little shaky right now just thinking about it. I don't know if it was an earth-moving moment for him, exactly, but I have no doubt that was one of the top five kisses I'm likely to get for the rest of my life. And I don't mean that in a pathetic way, I mean that it was seriously just that good.
So here I am again, listening to my head and my heart and hormones go around in circles. On the one side, I think I'd be nuts to not want a beautiful boy I'm crazy about to kiss me in the rain. I've had so little passion in my life- so few instances where I've really felt beautiful or sexy in someone else's eyes. I love the way I feel around him, I know that he would never intentionally hurt me, and I am ridiculously attracted to the guy. So part of me is thinking, why not enjoy it while I can? Why shouldn't I finally have some experiences of my own, instead of living vicariously through everyone else? Even if it hurts later... who wants to live a life so cautiously that they never get hurt? Isn't putting yourself out there and experiencing life to the fullest, squeezing every drop of joy out of every possible moment, sort of the point?
But the truth is that I am scared. I've opened myself up to him so many times, and I've been rejected every time. Gently, yes, but being rejected sucks no matter how nicely the news is delivered. Dan has serious, unshakable potential to break my heart- he's so important to me now, and I can already feel just how easy it would be to tumble head over heels for him if I let my guard down. It makes me feel kind of stupid- all he has to do is open his arms to me and I just fall right in them, knowing all the while that I'm probably going to be crying somewhere down the line because I let it happen. It's like, how many times do I have to be told "no" before I get the picture and stop deluding myself that it means something more? I know that he cares about me, he really enjoys being with me, and that I'm important to him, but I really don't think he's in nearly as much danger here as I am. I don't think Dan is going to fall in love with me, and after everything we've been through I don't know if I'll ever really believe he wants to be with me in "that way." Honestly, even if he did, I don't know what I would do. Because now we're close enough that the whole "but what would happen to our friendship?" question bubbles to the forefront of my brain with annoying frequency.
The really frustrating part is that a few months ago I would have been perfectly happy to have all kinds of adult-rated fun with Dan, even without the boyfriend label. But then he said he didn't want me, and I'm having a really hard time getting past that. Nothing much has changed; if he didn't want me then I don't see why he'd want me now, and how long will it be before he doesn't want me again? How long before I start questioning again what I'm missing, what indefinable quality I lack that means he can love me as a person and be attracted to me and still not want me.
I know I have the option to say no, that I can resist him and put a stop to all of the physical stuff, but the truth is that in the deepest, most selfish and lonely corner of my heart... I just plain don't want to. Despite how much my head argues to the contrary. I like it too much. Being around him, being in his arms, it just makes me feel completely comfortable in who I am and what I have to offer. I feel sexy, and smart, and confident, and special- and there are several circles of hell I'd walk through before I'd give that up.
So for now, at least, I guess I'm going to try to keep things light and easy like they have been. Chalk up that incredible kiss to a great moment I'll be able to look back on and smile for a long time to come, and accept that it's only a matter of time before he finds someone else to lavish all that wonderful touchy-feely affection on. The question I'm left with, though, is whether I should allow myself to grab what I can while it's still available. I'm going to be seeing him again in a few days, and if he tries to kiss me again or come on to me in some way... I really don't know how I'll react. Protect myself and my heart like I always have, or run with it and cross the Consequence bridge when I come to it?
Decisions, decisions...