Even God's Mom is Disgruntle About Motherhood
I don't want to be a mommy blogger but right now, there's nothing else going on in my life so, this is what you get.
Being a mommy is boring.
When I say this, people get offended. Look, I'm talking about myself and my kid. She's 10 weeks old. I don't expect to be entertained. At this point, L likes to breastfeed and... that's about it. To clarify, my daughter is not boring. Biologically, cognitively, emotionally? She's complex and fascinating. Motherhood is outside of this (for the most part and especially during this stage). We are having a direct effect without being able to see the direct result (at least for awhile).
L hates staying in the house. She won't cry if she's out of the house walking around in the carrier. After buying a pedometer out of a sick fascination of how many steps I'm racking up each week (approx 85k), I decided that if I have to walk, let's look at something that stimulates MY mind. And once a week, we go to a museum (or two).
First, we stop by the Museum of Photographic Arts (Hi, Aunt Ambers!).
I also have a membership to the Museum of Art so once we're done at MOPA, I walk over there and take a small but thoughtful chew over a piece of art. This week, I got out of the Asian Art section and looked at some 17th century works.
Paintings of the Virgin Mary and baby Jesus always make me question the number of children the painter had been around. Typically, Mary always has a look on her face -- I guess it's supposed to be benevolence or awe but just ends up looking like Mary is on a heavy dose of Valium. Baby Jesus is usually sporting a six-pack and doing something ridiculous for his age -- like standing, or... not crying.
I stumbled across this painting today in the San Diego Art Museum and immediately loved it.
Why? Mary looks... sad.
I'm sad.
Now don't call child services or sit down and talk to me about postpartum depression (although I appreciate your concern). This is perfectly normal sadness (at least so far). I am mourning the loss of my former life: being able to use my brain on a daily basis, drinking more than a glass of wine, leaving the house when I want to, reading books, being loud past 6PM.
And WORSE, there's this duality to my life. I am fucking sad that I don't have a job right now. I love working. LOVE it. But at the same time, I can't even imagine leaving her to go to a job because I LOVE being with her. This duality causes a lot of conflict because it means I can't be happy in either situation and there isn't a solution. As a problem solver, this raises red flags. My brain says, "No, wait. Let's think about this. We can solve it." And it runs through a bunch of scenarios and nope, nothing works.
And I think about Mary. Even as an agnostic, I appreciate the situation.
On one hand, you have embarked on a grand adventure and look at this marvelous being that you've created. On the other hand, remember when you and Joseph used to talk about the political strife in Galilee or go out to a good Corinthian restaurant? And hell, if you say motherhood is boring or that you're feeling resentful that Jesus woke you up at 3, 4, and 5 last night, people gasp and say, "But MARY, you're talking about the Christ child!" And Mary mumbles, "I wasn't always the mother of God's only son."
I love my daughter. I love being a mom. But I'm not only a mom. And I don't intend to shut off the part of me that is something other than a mom and that part gets bored and sad and resentful. I'm anxious about not writing and not advancing my career. I don't want to put a false front out there that says, "Oh hey! Motherhood is fulfilling all by itself!" It's not AND it shouldn't be. We're complicated human beings and we need all sorts of things to feel fulfilled.
Motherhood won't always be boring. Just like jobs aren't always interesting. Motherhood and jobs and relationships ebb and flow. I'm okay with that. As a society, we shouldn't set up the expectation that motherhood is always fulfilling and that women won't mourn the life they left behind. We should talk about the internal duality. It's okay to be pissed that your life is conversations about breastfeeding and nap schedules. At the same time, look at this marvelous being that you've created. That's pretty damn cool too.
Being a mommy is boring.
When I say this, people get offended. Look, I'm talking about myself and my kid. She's 10 weeks old. I don't expect to be entertained. At this point, L likes to breastfeed and... that's about it. To clarify, my daughter is not boring. Biologically, cognitively, emotionally? She's complex and fascinating. Motherhood is outside of this (for the most part and especially during this stage). We are having a direct effect without being able to see the direct result (at least for awhile).
L hates staying in the house. She won't cry if she's out of the house walking around in the carrier. After buying a pedometer out of a sick fascination of how many steps I'm racking up each week (approx 85k), I decided that if I have to walk, let's look at something that stimulates MY mind. And once a week, we go to a museum (or two).
First, we stop by the Museum of Photographic Arts (Hi, Aunt Ambers!).
I also have a membership to the Museum of Art so once we're done at MOPA, I walk over there and take a small but thoughtful chew over a piece of art. This week, I got out of the Asian Art section and looked at some 17th century works.
Paintings of the Virgin Mary and baby Jesus always make me question the number of children the painter had been around. Typically, Mary always has a look on her face -- I guess it's supposed to be benevolence or awe but just ends up looking like Mary is on a heavy dose of Valium. Baby Jesus is usually sporting a six-pack and doing something ridiculous for his age -- like standing, or... not crying.
I stumbled across this painting today in the San Diego Art Museum and immediately loved it.
Why? Mary looks... sad.
I'm sad.
Now don't call child services or sit down and talk to me about postpartum depression (although I appreciate your concern). This is perfectly normal sadness (at least so far). I am mourning the loss of my former life: being able to use my brain on a daily basis, drinking more than a glass of wine, leaving the house when I want to, reading books, being loud past 6PM.
And WORSE, there's this duality to my life. I am fucking sad that I don't have a job right now. I love working. LOVE it. But at the same time, I can't even imagine leaving her to go to a job because I LOVE being with her. This duality causes a lot of conflict because it means I can't be happy in either situation and there isn't a solution. As a problem solver, this raises red flags. My brain says, "No, wait. Let's think about this. We can solve it." And it runs through a bunch of scenarios and nope, nothing works.
And I think about Mary. Even as an agnostic, I appreciate the situation.
On one hand, you have embarked on a grand adventure and look at this marvelous being that you've created. On the other hand, remember when you and Joseph used to talk about the political strife in Galilee or go out to a good Corinthian restaurant? And hell, if you say motherhood is boring or that you're feeling resentful that Jesus woke you up at 3, 4, and 5 last night, people gasp and say, "But MARY, you're talking about the Christ child!" And Mary mumbles, "I wasn't always the mother of God's only son."
I love my daughter. I love being a mom. But I'm not only a mom. And I don't intend to shut off the part of me that is something other than a mom and that part gets bored and sad and resentful. I'm anxious about not writing and not advancing my career. I don't want to put a false front out there that says, "Oh hey! Motherhood is fulfilling all by itself!" It's not AND it shouldn't be. We're complicated human beings and we need all sorts of things to feel fulfilled.
Motherhood won't always be boring. Just like jobs aren't always interesting. Motherhood and jobs and relationships ebb and flow. I'm okay with that. As a society, we shouldn't set up the expectation that motherhood is always fulfilling and that women won't mourn the life they left behind. We should talk about the internal duality. It's okay to be pissed that your life is conversations about breastfeeding and nap schedules. At the same time, look at this marvelous being that you've created. That's pretty damn cool too.