Fanfic. The silence between us (Neela and Ray).
Title: The silence between us
Author: sweetdreams_ls
Rating: FRM
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, they are property of NBC and ER.
Spoilers: Post season 12
Content Warning: minor sex implication and some offensive words.
There has been three months since she left this place but the echo of her voice continue surrounding me. I can still seeing her walking through the house; I feel her presence in every room. I even can feel the light weight of her head on my shoulder everytime I sit on this couch.
She may doesn’t know but she never left this place. She’s with me every night before I sleep and every day when I wake up. She’s in everything I do and say. She’s a part of me now.
Every night I sit on this same couch and I image that she’s in here again, I wonder what she’d say and what I’d say, I imagine that everything is like it used to be. But no one can live always of dreams and everyday I go to work, I see how much her presence on this apartment is killing me. Everyday when she keeps avoiding me and walking away when I’m close, I realize that my dreams are so far away to become true.
Everytime I see her it hurts, I wonder if she can see that. I realize that she’s in pain, too. I see it in her eyes, in the way she acts and walks; she’s not the same girl that used to be. The life and passion has been taken away from her and now she has become in a shadow walking through the halls.
Today when I took a patient to surgery, I felt the same bittersweet emotion that is in there everytime she’s close, that mixture of pleasure and pain. This is what I’ve become, someone who enjoys taking patients to surgery only to see her.
After work I came to the apartment and sat on this same place again. My routine was interrupted by the knocks on the door. When I opened it, I found her little frame standing still in front of me. Looking confused and scared she finally said
“I don’t know what I’m doing in here but I guess I should leave”
She turned, ready to walk away as fast as she could, but I grabbed her by the wrist. This is the moment, I thought. It’s now or never.
“Wait” I said “Come in, we need to talk”
“I don’t think this is a good moment” she said trying to let go of my grip.
“Come on, Neela. You came because you want to talk too. Just get in, please
She looked at me with a guilty expression and finally stepped inside. I closed the door behind her and I turned to look at her, she was staring at me too. I knew there were words that needed to be said but the silence between us continue for what seemed an eternity. Expressing what we feel is something that is not easy for any of us, we’re the kind of people that keep everything they feel inside, and maybe that’s why things are so complicated between us.
But there was only one thing I needed to know and I decided to ask.
“Why?...I know you’re in pain, I know this hasn’t been easy for you but why did you cut me out of your life? I thought we were friends.
“We are friends”
“Really? We are friends but you don’t even bother in answering my messages. We are friends but you don’t mind to cut me out when I’m trying to help. And of course, we are friends bur you’ve been avoiding me since the day you left” I could feel the anger rushing through my veins; I had finally said what I’ve felt for the last three months. I didn’t care if I was yelling or what she would think anymore, I just needed to let it out “So Neela, explain me, how is possible that we’re friends if you didn’t even care to hurt me?”
“You bloody idiot. Why I even bother in explain, you wouldn’t get it anyway!”
“I think the least I deserved is an explanation!”
“You know what, I don’t know what the hell I came in here in the first place” She moved towards the door but I grabbed her wrist again.
“No Neela, no this time. You’re not leaving this place until you explain it to me”
“Let me go!”
“No!”
“I said let me go!”
“And I said no!”
I started to see tears falling from her eyes and I felt like a completely jerk. I didn’t want to make her cry; I couldn’t stand to see her like this.
“Neela, I’m sorry. Listen I…”
“No! You’re not sorry. You wanker! My husband is dead. I’m in pain. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat and the only bloody thing that worries you is why I didn’t call you back?”
“That’s not true! I care about you Neela! I want to help you, but I can’t do it if you continue rejecting me” I yelled grabbing her by the shoulders. “I’m so tired of this Neela, why don’t you let me help you? Just tell me why!”
“I can’t!” She screamed as the tears continue falling from her eyes”
“Tell me why!”
“You idiot! Don’t you see it? My husband died while I was thinking about you, while I was wishing to be with you! I wasn’t a good wife! I didn’t love him enough because while he was in a war, I was having feelings for another man!” She stopped for a second, trying to control herself, but then continue. “Do you really want to know why I cut you out? Is because I couldn’t bear the guilt! Because no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t help that I had feelings for you!…that I still have! Are you satisfied now? “
She fell into the couch covering her face with her hands and continued crying. I had been taken by surprised and I was in shock by now. My brain was finally processing the information, the words I always wanted to hear but I never thought I would. I saw her in there, I made her suffer, what she feels for me makes her suffer. I wish this could be easy for both, but it can’t. I sat next to her and I put my arm around her shoulders.
“Neela, I’m sorry. I guess you’re right; I can be an idiot most of the time. I didn’t mean to hurt you or to make you cry” She wiped away her tears and looked at me as I continued. “I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you”
“Ray…” She cupped my cheek with her hand. A few inches separated our faces until she cut the distance and kissed me. I could feel all her suffering and frustration as I kissed her back. I needed to feel her close; I needed her more than anything in the world.
I knew that she was hurt, that she’ll propably regret this tomorrow. But tonight this was what we both needed. I felt her taking off my shirt and I did the same with her blouse, our kisses were becoming more and more intense. I took her to my room where we fell into the bed, the needed of each other increasing as the minutes go by.
I kissed her and I touched her knowing that maybe this would be the only time she’d let me be this close to her. I felt her calling out my name over and over again until all I could feel was her.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
We stayed looking at each other, the silence filling the room. I wanted to keep this moment, to feel her body against mine and her hands upon my skin forever. The outside world wasn’t important anymore and the time didn’t exist, there was only us.
I knew there were words that still needed to be said, but we didn’t speak. Expressing what we feel is something that is not easy for any of us, but the silence that remained between us that night expresses everything we feel that words can’t.
The end
Author: sweetdreams_ls
Rating: FRM
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, they are property of NBC and ER.
Spoilers: Post season 12
Content Warning: minor sex implication and some offensive words.
There has been three months since she left this place but the echo of her voice continue surrounding me. I can still seeing her walking through the house; I feel her presence in every room. I even can feel the light weight of her head on my shoulder everytime I sit on this couch.
She may doesn’t know but she never left this place. She’s with me every night before I sleep and every day when I wake up. She’s in everything I do and say. She’s a part of me now.
Every night I sit on this same couch and I image that she’s in here again, I wonder what she’d say and what I’d say, I imagine that everything is like it used to be. But no one can live always of dreams and everyday I go to work, I see how much her presence on this apartment is killing me. Everyday when she keeps avoiding me and walking away when I’m close, I realize that my dreams are so far away to become true.
Everytime I see her it hurts, I wonder if she can see that. I realize that she’s in pain, too. I see it in her eyes, in the way she acts and walks; she’s not the same girl that used to be. The life and passion has been taken away from her and now she has become in a shadow walking through the halls.
Today when I took a patient to surgery, I felt the same bittersweet emotion that is in there everytime she’s close, that mixture of pleasure and pain. This is what I’ve become, someone who enjoys taking patients to surgery only to see her.
After work I came to the apartment and sat on this same place again. My routine was interrupted by the knocks on the door. When I opened it, I found her little frame standing still in front of me. Looking confused and scared she finally said
“I don’t know what I’m doing in here but I guess I should leave”
She turned, ready to walk away as fast as she could, but I grabbed her by the wrist. This is the moment, I thought. It’s now or never.
“Wait” I said “Come in, we need to talk”
“I don’t think this is a good moment” she said trying to let go of my grip.
“Come on, Neela. You came because you want to talk too. Just get in, please
She looked at me with a guilty expression and finally stepped inside. I closed the door behind her and I turned to look at her, she was staring at me too. I knew there were words that needed to be said but the silence between us continue for what seemed an eternity. Expressing what we feel is something that is not easy for any of us, we’re the kind of people that keep everything they feel inside, and maybe that’s why things are so complicated between us.
But there was only one thing I needed to know and I decided to ask.
“Why?...I know you’re in pain, I know this hasn’t been easy for you but why did you cut me out of your life? I thought we were friends.
“We are friends”
“Really? We are friends but you don’t even bother in answering my messages. We are friends but you don’t mind to cut me out when I’m trying to help. And of course, we are friends bur you’ve been avoiding me since the day you left” I could feel the anger rushing through my veins; I had finally said what I’ve felt for the last three months. I didn’t care if I was yelling or what she would think anymore, I just needed to let it out “So Neela, explain me, how is possible that we’re friends if you didn’t even care to hurt me?”
“You bloody idiot. Why I even bother in explain, you wouldn’t get it anyway!”
“I think the least I deserved is an explanation!”
“You know what, I don’t know what the hell I came in here in the first place” She moved towards the door but I grabbed her wrist again.
“No Neela, no this time. You’re not leaving this place until you explain it to me”
“Let me go!”
“No!”
“I said let me go!”
“And I said no!”
I started to see tears falling from her eyes and I felt like a completely jerk. I didn’t want to make her cry; I couldn’t stand to see her like this.
“Neela, I’m sorry. Listen I…”
“No! You’re not sorry. You wanker! My husband is dead. I’m in pain. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat and the only bloody thing that worries you is why I didn’t call you back?”
“That’s not true! I care about you Neela! I want to help you, but I can’t do it if you continue rejecting me” I yelled grabbing her by the shoulders. “I’m so tired of this Neela, why don’t you let me help you? Just tell me why!”
“I can’t!” She screamed as the tears continue falling from her eyes”
“Tell me why!”
“You idiot! Don’t you see it? My husband died while I was thinking about you, while I was wishing to be with you! I wasn’t a good wife! I didn’t love him enough because while he was in a war, I was having feelings for another man!” She stopped for a second, trying to control herself, but then continue. “Do you really want to know why I cut you out? Is because I couldn’t bear the guilt! Because no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t help that I had feelings for you!…that I still have! Are you satisfied now? “
She fell into the couch covering her face with her hands and continued crying. I had been taken by surprised and I was in shock by now. My brain was finally processing the information, the words I always wanted to hear but I never thought I would. I saw her in there, I made her suffer, what she feels for me makes her suffer. I wish this could be easy for both, but it can’t. I sat next to her and I put my arm around her shoulders.
“Neela, I’m sorry. I guess you’re right; I can be an idiot most of the time. I didn’t mean to hurt you or to make you cry” She wiped away her tears and looked at me as I continued. “I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you”
“Ray…” She cupped my cheek with her hand. A few inches separated our faces until she cut the distance and kissed me. I could feel all her suffering and frustration as I kissed her back. I needed to feel her close; I needed her more than anything in the world.
I knew that she was hurt, that she’ll propably regret this tomorrow. But tonight this was what we both needed. I felt her taking off my shirt and I did the same with her blouse, our kisses were becoming more and more intense. I took her to my room where we fell into the bed, the needed of each other increasing as the minutes go by.
I kissed her and I touched her knowing that maybe this would be the only time she’d let me be this close to her. I felt her calling out my name over and over again until all I could feel was her.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
We stayed looking at each other, the silence filling the room. I wanted to keep this moment, to feel her body against mine and her hands upon my skin forever. The outside world wasn’t important anymore and the time didn’t exist, there was only us.
I knew there were words that still needed to be said, but we didn’t speak. Expressing what we feel is something that is not easy for any of us, but the silence that remained between us that night expresses everything we feel that words can’t.
The end