todays lesson is regret
normally regret takes place in actions we did not do: not telling someone you love them, not sticking up for someone when we know we should, not being the person you told yourself you'd be. but sometimes, we regret what we've done. and i don't know if it really hurts more, but i think it's possible. it must. otherwise everyone would never not do something, because the fear of regretting it later wouldn't, couldn't be worse. so, yes, the actions we take that we regret are much worse than those we have never done. i have a number of things i regret. the words i put in writing are among the most hated of my regrets. the words to christina that summer when we were 17. those words stung and i still can't believe i made them. i regret being weak, and letting it affect everything around me. i've realized, too late i might add, that for a certain few, you can forgive anything. dave is one. sometimes we rib him about that day a month ago, but otherwise, we're back to normal. we danced today when i got a great tip. right there on the line. dan and ryan just stood shocked. of course then kelly smith and brandy joined in. then he had to break it up. but nonetheless, i've learned that from my regrets. sometimes, if they mean, or meant enough to you, forgiving them isn't so hard. it actually feels right, just about the only thing that does. i regret putting people on such high pedistals that they had no where to go but to fall off them. i wish i could understand why i did it, but time has passed, and i only wish i had never been that girl. it may be wrong to want to wish almost 3 years from your existence, but the last three have been my darkest. and everything i did in them that hurt someone haunts me still now.
it's been a weird day. my latest gay crush came into erma's this morning with his boyfriend just to see me. i didn't work, though, so he left a note with his server and she posted it in the back--for everyone to see. i came in today and everyone thought i'd had a guy who was interested come in. it's hard telling people, that no, the really great guy you saw is indeed gay, and not here because he wants me in anyway more than a friend. lately they're either gay or too young. neither helps me, and it makes me sad. which is why i'm thinking of regrets. i know why i didn't follow through with anything with greg. i always hoped it wasn't fear, and i think i can safely say, it wasn't. i just wasn't interested in anything more than friends. i don't regret not dating greg. i would have been doing it for all the wrong reasons. he's not the one i've wanted for all this time, and dating him just to be with someone isn't fair. and maybe it's the best thing i've done in a long time.
i passed a house today, on my way home. well passed is the wrong word. i was stunned into a parked position for a long time at the stop sign. i just stared. it was like witnessing a former life, but one you can't exactly remember other than how happy you might have been. if i were braver, i would have parked permanently along the curb, knocked on your door, and used my southern charm without the drawl to make you realize how much you really miss me. but then this frightening thought crept over me. one that stopped my heart, i swear it. that you don't really miss me. and that's the hardest regret of all. because i miss you so very much. scarecrow, of all the things i regret, it's leaving you that hurts the most. it's going crazy and ruining something so perfect and pure. i was a car wreck. one so horrible they closed the freeway for. and i dragged you in. i did need more than anyone could give. i'm sorry. there aren't any other words to better say it. so simple, that i feel like it can't possibly pile up all the emotion in them. but imagine the world cracking as you read them, and thats about how it feels.
i'm sure i'll regret everything about that pefect moment i had last month. regret not finding out if i was crazy or if it really happened. i'll regret letting our fundamental differences stop me form being active instead of passive. i just hope that some distance can bring clarity, and that in the end, maybe we aren't so many years apart.
it's been a weird day. my latest gay crush came into erma's this morning with his boyfriend just to see me. i didn't work, though, so he left a note with his server and she posted it in the back--for everyone to see. i came in today and everyone thought i'd had a guy who was interested come in. it's hard telling people, that no, the really great guy you saw is indeed gay, and not here because he wants me in anyway more than a friend. lately they're either gay or too young. neither helps me, and it makes me sad. which is why i'm thinking of regrets. i know why i didn't follow through with anything with greg. i always hoped it wasn't fear, and i think i can safely say, it wasn't. i just wasn't interested in anything more than friends. i don't regret not dating greg. i would have been doing it for all the wrong reasons. he's not the one i've wanted for all this time, and dating him just to be with someone isn't fair. and maybe it's the best thing i've done in a long time.
i passed a house today, on my way home. well passed is the wrong word. i was stunned into a parked position for a long time at the stop sign. i just stared. it was like witnessing a former life, but one you can't exactly remember other than how happy you might have been. if i were braver, i would have parked permanently along the curb, knocked on your door, and used my southern charm without the drawl to make you realize how much you really miss me. but then this frightening thought crept over me. one that stopped my heart, i swear it. that you don't really miss me. and that's the hardest regret of all. because i miss you so very much. scarecrow, of all the things i regret, it's leaving you that hurts the most. it's going crazy and ruining something so perfect and pure. i was a car wreck. one so horrible they closed the freeway for. and i dragged you in. i did need more than anyone could give. i'm sorry. there aren't any other words to better say it. so simple, that i feel like it can't possibly pile up all the emotion in them. but imagine the world cracking as you read them, and thats about how it feels.
i'm sure i'll regret everything about that pefect moment i had last month. regret not finding out if i was crazy or if it really happened. i'll regret letting our fundamental differences stop me form being active instead of passive. i just hope that some distance can bring clarity, and that in the end, maybe we aren't so many years apart.