believe it or not, I'm not a christianity fanatic, this is just a commentary from recent events
I feel like a bad person for neglecting this journal so much. Curse myspace and its hypnotic lure....my fist shakes in the air with anger while I’m busy looking through you! So now I shall make an obscenely long entry to counter you!!!!!
So I stayed up on Thursday night to watch the Pope’s funeral live at like 2 or 3 in the morning. That’s the closest I’ve come to going to church since Senior year when Mrs. Capaldo died. It was very interesting to watch, and being Catholic, I actually knew what was going on. The ceremony was beautiful with all of the singing. If I went to church and it was that pretty and important, I would have never stopped going.
Pope John Paul II was a pretty cool guy, forgive my....irreverence. He was the third longest reigning Pope and accomplished more than any other pope since St. Peter probably. This was a guy who grew up in Poland, watching his country be imposed by the Nazis then by communism. The guy had seen some scary stuff in his time. Before he became a priest he was a great athlete and was active in the arts, being a brilliant playwright, and yet with all of his talents he chose to pursue his faith and the church for the rest of his life. When he became Pontiff he was the first Polish pope, and the third pope throughout all of history that wasn’t Italian. What I really liked about him was how progressive he was, reaching out to other religions for understanding and being an active pope who spent more time with the people, the "flock," than behind a desk. And though I don’t agree with some of the views of the church (example: I’m pro-choice), I respect that the Pontiff was never bullied into changing his core values about the doctrine of the church. He was a liberal, yet stayed traditional. After being shot, he forgave his assassin which I still can’t believe. Pope John Paul II also helped end the reign of communism in the cold war. But more than anything, he was an inspiration to all people of the faith, not just Catholics but many religions and even those who don’t claim a religion. He was an inspiration for faith, spirituality, and morality, and he touched more lives than anyone else living today.
It’s sad that people found out more about him during his death, than when he was alive. But that’s how it is. I already knew most of the information of "God’s Athlete" but there were a few new things I learned about him.
My faith is something that I am very unsure of. I grew up Catholic and went to Catholic school for 12 years, so that naturally repelled me when I grew up. There are so many things about the Church that I do not agree with, so much that I doubt. Honestly, it’s hard to know what to believe in and what I truly believe. I can’t just shop for a religion and decide which one I shall adopt because that means I choose a religion that I agree with and that makes sense to me. But sometimes logic and faith clash. In times of fear and in times of strong emotion, I come closer to realizing what I truly believe in my heart. My heart and my mind believe in something, but with so much logic and so much doubt in my life I choose not to acknowledge it. I have ignored my religious beliefs for so long that I can’t make myself realize what I truly feel anymore.
As of now, I consider myself the loosest Catholic possible. This is because a part of it is truly ingrained into the person I am today. But I do not let the opinions of the church affect my own opinions. I don’t believe I have to go to Church if I’m not going because I want to; I shouldn’t sit through Mass while I balance my checkbook in my head. There are certain morals from other religions that I believe moreso, but overall the core values of Catholicism is within me. Sometimes I realize this when I talk about religion with other people and a debate forms. Catholics get a bad wrap these days and sometimes I criticize as well, yet when people who know nothing about the religion start criticizing it and get it all wrong, I get pissed. As though my family was attacked or something. It almost feels like part of my heritage, and I own up to it at that moment, and I realize that something inside me believes. It’s weird. I guess I just have a very weird relationship with God. I don’t believe He has a hand in my life and that it’s all up to God so I guess that’s why I neglect the relationship. Ah, whatever.
Getting back to the Pope, I enjoy the rituals going on right now and I’m very interested in the whole process of picking the next pope. One of the coolest things about Catholicism is how rich the history and tradition is. It is pretty much the earliest form of Christianity. The Pope once controlled all forms of Christianity because that was the only form. Then King Henry the 8th wanted a divorce so he started his own church and said "I’m the fucking pope now, har har har." That’s a comedic take on what happened. Then other people disagreed with that church and formed other forms of Christianity and that went on and on for a while, thus sections such as Protestants, Puritans, Lutherism, etc were born. But it all stemmed once upon a time from Catholicism, and I dig that...it’s a very pure form of Christianity because it has sustained time and tradition for hundreds of more years than all those other forms. I love when people say that Catholics aren’t Christians, it is the lamest argument I’ve ever heard and it’s a pet peeve of mine. It’s like, how fucking dumb are you? The best answer to settle the argument is to trest Christianity as your last name. Your first name is now Lutheran, Congregational, Catholic, Presbyterian, whatever. You come from the same idea, but are still very different from other members in your family. Sorry I’m on another tangent.
Get to the point.....The funeral was beautiful but the Pontiff was even more beautiful in life. I can not even come close to aspiring to accomplish what he had in one lifetime. And he was a genuinely good person....it made me very sad when he died. Even those of other faiths were saddened because of the person he was and the hearts that he touched. People from all over the world, who disagree with the church completely, can respect Pope John Paul II because he was a remarkable man who spread goodness throughout the world in 26 years and inspired many. Even I, someone who has hated the Church, threatened God in anger, ignored religion completely for years, felt sadness that he died and felt inspired by what he did for this world or for others.
At least his death brought me a little closer to my faith, which is more than any fucking Mel Gibson film could ever do. He was a worthwhile man. What am I? I’m just a lost kid. He’s an inspiration, not just for faith, but for life in general.