(no subject)
I was reading the blog of someone whom I hadn't spoken to in a long time. She seems to be doing really well and definitely deserves it; I have always remembered her as being an extraordinarily kind and considerate person, definitely someone I would look up to if I had kept in contact with her over the years. Her family has been friends with my family for a while, and I know they are kind and considerate people as well.
It was pretty inspiring to think that someone is doing what I wanted to be doing. Hopefully that did not come off in a weird, creeper-ish sort of way. Okay, to clarify, I'm trying to say that I have the desire to find my way back to where I wanted to be back when I still thought about the future with bright eyes and rose-tinted hope; though I no longer have those naive eyes, I can still hope that with hard work I can get my shiz together.
Yet somehow I managed to find something that hurt immensely, not because of anything she had written, but because it's something that I can't change right now. She wrote something about finding someone that you want to be with all the time, someone you choose to give of yourself to who, in turn, chooses to give of himself (or herself for others) in the same way. Someone that you don't mind spending so much time with because you actually enjoy that person's company.
It made me feel like the idiot that always throws away my feelings for someone with whom I will not even have that option, who isn't going to (able to? willing to?) be there. And I always do, somehow. This is the part of my life that I can't fix. You don't really choose who you want to be with, and if you do end up with that person you can't control how the relationship goes. Relationships are so unpredictable and often illogical because that other person is such a huge variable in the relationship. It's not like a scientific experiment where you do have a control group or can test and retest to confirm or discard a hypothesis.
Unfortunately, as much as I am resigned to being with someone that is far away, it would be unrealistic to say that I don't want someone that will be there. I've always been a sucker for stable elements (scientists insert noble gases joke here). This would ideally be someone that can counteract and possibly neutralize the chaotic nature of my personality and my life, but that can't happen with someone whose life is as unstable as mine is. So I'll continue to be sad about it until something changes. goddamn variables.
And of course in accordance with my simultaneous affection for and fear of over-share, this might be gone within 24-48 hours. (sorry to the people that tell me this drives them crazy.. haaaaa. yeah. sorry.)
It was pretty inspiring to think that someone is doing what I wanted to be doing. Hopefully that did not come off in a weird, creeper-ish sort of way. Okay, to clarify, I'm trying to say that I have the desire to find my way back to where I wanted to be back when I still thought about the future with bright eyes and rose-tinted hope; though I no longer have those naive eyes, I can still hope that with hard work I can get my shiz together.
Yet somehow I managed to find something that hurt immensely, not because of anything she had written, but because it's something that I can't change right now. She wrote something about finding someone that you want to be with all the time, someone you choose to give of yourself to who, in turn, chooses to give of himself (or herself for others) in the same way. Someone that you don't mind spending so much time with because you actually enjoy that person's company.
It made me feel like the idiot that always throws away my feelings for someone with whom I will not even have that option, who isn't going to (able to? willing to?) be there. And I always do, somehow. This is the part of my life that I can't fix. You don't really choose who you want to be with, and if you do end up with that person you can't control how the relationship goes. Relationships are so unpredictable and often illogical because that other person is such a huge variable in the relationship. It's not like a scientific experiment where you do have a control group or can test and retest to confirm or discard a hypothesis.
Unfortunately, as much as I am resigned to being with someone that is far away, it would be unrealistic to say that I don't want someone that will be there. I've always been a sucker for stable elements (scientists insert noble gases joke here). This would ideally be someone that can counteract and possibly neutralize the chaotic nature of my personality and my life, but that can't happen with someone whose life is as unstable as mine is. So I'll continue to be sad about it until something changes. goddamn variables.
And of course in accordance with my simultaneous affection for and fear of over-share, this might be gone within 24-48 hours. (sorry to the people that tell me this drives them crazy.. haaaaa. yeah. sorry.)