For the rest of my life, I'm gonna search for someone just like you
Sometimes I start thinking that the reason I seem to have so much trouble functioning like a normal person is because I lack heart. Because I need heart. Because I feel incredibly self-centered and egotistical most of the time.
And then I realize that while this stands true, that I am incredibly selfish, that in other aspects, I Am all heart and That is what causes me to fuck up most of the time. I'm a very irrational thinker. I always fully realize what the right thing is to do, what the smart, rational thing is. It's a good idea to work hard at school, even if I hate it. It's a good idea to go to every class. It's obviously the right thing to make my parents money pay off.
Unfortunately, I lack the ability to make any of this hit home enough for me to do anything about it. Unfortunately, there's always something in me that stops me from making the right decisions. I float right through any guilt or remorse I should be feeling about it, and keep on floating, ignoring it.
I always, Always do what I Want to do, what feels right to my soul. I'm too much of a wanderer and a free-spirit. I'm a little clingy in relationships but I'm unfailingly independent in everything else. If someone told me they'd found me a job and an apartment just waiting for me in Seattle/New York/San Francisco/etc., I'd be there tomorrow.
I know this sounds contradictory to my claimed independence, but the only thing stopping me from going out and finding those things myself is the fact that I have absolutely no money, or at least, not enough to afford not only an airfare to another city, but enough to secure at least a decent hotel room or something until I was able to find a stable job. Basically what's stopping me is the fear that if I didn't find enough security, and fast, that I'd end up broke and desperate in a city I didn't know, far away from everyone in my life.
It isn't that I don't like it here; I love it. And by "here" and "it", I mean this city, not this school. But cities are cities and I'd probably find something I love and adore about so many of them.
Everything I've been brought up with says I should use my brain (because I do have one and it's pretty smart), and bite my tongue and go through school, regardless of how relevant I think it is. It isn't this school that I don't have any motivation at, it's any school. It doesn't matter. I could be at any college in this country and be in the same situation. But I Do know what the right, rational thing to do would be, and I make the decision not to do it every day. Every time I don't go to class, every time I don't write a paper, every time I decide not to take a test, I consciously make the decision not to do what's right.
I'm not delusional. I don't have some insane fantasy that I can do all this and somehow finish the term with good grades.
Everyone disapproves of me deciding not to go to school next year. Most of today's society, at least the society I grew up in, thinks that a person who chooses not to go to college is destined for nothing but a boring job at minimum wage. This is true for a lot of people, but I think it's a chance I have to take. If I want something badly enough, I'll find some way to make it happen.
As I make clear often enough, one of the things I truly enjoy and excell at in life is writing, and at this point I've become pretty confident that no matter what, it has to have a large part in my life. So I have faith, despite my usually pessimistic attitude, that if I choose not to go to school, but keep on writing and keep up with publications, begin writing and submitting things, that eventually my one (and only) real talent will come into play and I'll be rewarded with some kind of stable work that I really enjoy.
So I'll be poor for a while. And I'll have to hold my own against people who try to warn me of the dangers of my decision. But it's ok. If it makes me happy, it's ok.
And then I realize that while this stands true, that I am incredibly selfish, that in other aspects, I Am all heart and That is what causes me to fuck up most of the time. I'm a very irrational thinker. I always fully realize what the right thing is to do, what the smart, rational thing is. It's a good idea to work hard at school, even if I hate it. It's a good idea to go to every class. It's obviously the right thing to make my parents money pay off.
Unfortunately, I lack the ability to make any of this hit home enough for me to do anything about it. Unfortunately, there's always something in me that stops me from making the right decisions. I float right through any guilt or remorse I should be feeling about it, and keep on floating, ignoring it.
I always, Always do what I Want to do, what feels right to my soul. I'm too much of a wanderer and a free-spirit. I'm a little clingy in relationships but I'm unfailingly independent in everything else. If someone told me they'd found me a job and an apartment just waiting for me in Seattle/New York/San Francisco/etc., I'd be there tomorrow.
I know this sounds contradictory to my claimed independence, but the only thing stopping me from going out and finding those things myself is the fact that I have absolutely no money, or at least, not enough to afford not only an airfare to another city, but enough to secure at least a decent hotel room or something until I was able to find a stable job. Basically what's stopping me is the fear that if I didn't find enough security, and fast, that I'd end up broke and desperate in a city I didn't know, far away from everyone in my life.
It isn't that I don't like it here; I love it. And by "here" and "it", I mean this city, not this school. But cities are cities and I'd probably find something I love and adore about so many of them.
Everything I've been brought up with says I should use my brain (because I do have one and it's pretty smart), and bite my tongue and go through school, regardless of how relevant I think it is. It isn't this school that I don't have any motivation at, it's any school. It doesn't matter. I could be at any college in this country and be in the same situation. But I Do know what the right, rational thing to do would be, and I make the decision not to do it every day. Every time I don't go to class, every time I don't write a paper, every time I decide not to take a test, I consciously make the decision not to do what's right.
I'm not delusional. I don't have some insane fantasy that I can do all this and somehow finish the term with good grades.
Everyone disapproves of me deciding not to go to school next year. Most of today's society, at least the society I grew up in, thinks that a person who chooses not to go to college is destined for nothing but a boring job at minimum wage. This is true for a lot of people, but I think it's a chance I have to take. If I want something badly enough, I'll find some way to make it happen.
As I make clear often enough, one of the things I truly enjoy and excell at in life is writing, and at this point I've become pretty confident that no matter what, it has to have a large part in my life. So I have faith, despite my usually pessimistic attitude, that if I choose not to go to school, but keep on writing and keep up with publications, begin writing and submitting things, that eventually my one (and only) real talent will come into play and I'll be rewarded with some kind of stable work that I really enjoy.
So I'll be poor for a while. And I'll have to hold my own against people who try to warn me of the dangers of my decision. But it's ok. If it makes me happy, it's ok.