why am I so lame???

[sweetcmichgirl]

So...when u look in the dictionary at stupid or pathetic...u will find my picture. I am not lookin for self pity. But I am sad. Not in the literal sense, just stupid sad. Why can't I just let things go? I want so much to be accepted, and when I dont get it...I totally crack. I want someone to feel for me the same as I feel for them. Its amazing how these words are flowing so freely. I offer my heart, and the next day its rejected. Like I've done something wrong. I try to be the perfect person, but I am never good enough. What else can I do? Is there something I can say to make my own hatred and disgust for myself go away? Prolly not, but its worth a try. I hate myself for falling so freely and embarassing myself infront of my friend. I hate the fact that I've fallen for the same boy...again who can't give me what I want. But what I hate most about myself is that I can't truly talk to him about it. I want him to know what I'm thinking. Not to use my own feelings against me when I'm vulnerable. I want to be cared for in the same capacity that I care for him. I want to be the only one. But I can't give him what he wants it seems. I haven't initiated anything. I have been a bi-stander to all thats happened. And I've truly enjoyed every minute and every second of whats happened. But the thing that pisses me off is...the next day, things are back to an awkward state with him. WHAT THE HELL DID I DO? Maybe I'm too attached and emotional. Maybe I have too high of an expectation. Maybe, I just need to talk to him about this.

I need some serious help...thats what it all boil downs to. I need to get out of Mt. Pleasant and realize my own capabilities without him. Gawd. For a year...I am so stupid. I've a realization...it totally just hit me. I need one of my girls:(