(no subject)
So ya, I know it's been about 2348957890345742389509 years since I updated but I am. I guess this month last year was really troubling for me in so many ways and started a bunch of new things for me and since I'm so damn sentimental I feel like it lives on in that time period. Ok, that sounds wierd, but I guess I just really believe in horoscopes and reading the stars and stuff, and specific activity in one month of a particular year is predestined to stir similar activity in the the same month of following years. ANYWAY, Spring Break is winding down, and I can't say I'm too sad, because I sort of just want to get school over with. I just want summer to come so I can have a better hold on my life. Because I'll be working and going to school at night and everything will matter, but not in a serious looking to the future sort of way. My full application for AFS has been in Italy for over three weeks so I should know whether or not I've been accepted basically any day now. I can't quite put into words how excited I am to go. It's not like I think it will be easy, or a vacation, or a break from DHS or anything. It's more like I don't belong here and I need to see that there are places so drastically different to know I fit in somewhere. It's hard to explain. I mean, I love all of you, but I just can't see myself being really good friends with people like you in the future. I'm all for being friends with people who are not like you but no one is really that either. Everyone says they hate it here or that their life sucks, but you all basically fit into a sterotype of this town. And I know you all disagree but it's so true. And I don't care if you say I fit into a stereotype too, because that's not true. I just feel like I haven't belonged here for so long. Well, really since junior high. Just coming back from Spain was hard, because I changed and none of you had even though things had gone on without me. SO I had to pretend like everything was the same. And junior high was such a horrible stage for me anyway, just a lot of hate. So I guess I just want to leave, to know there's more. I do know there's more, but I have to see it. My parents keep asking my what I expect to get out of it, but it's not like I can tell them, it seems so personal, like a secret. What I really expect to get out of it, I doubt I'll be able to share with anyone, and I suppose that makes me feel sort of cool. As if it's a big secret that I can't share. I talked to an AFS returner who said overall the experience made her her own best friend. But I guess I sort of already am my own best friend. You guys doubt me, and I don't even think you realize it. You expect so much of me, and then you think me incapable when it comes to other things. I'm going to hate it when I have to come back, I just know it. So the now just seems sort of trivial. Everyone else is preparing for college and I just feel like I'm preparing for this. I still plan to go to college, at least most of the time, but this seems so much more important. Returners compare it to childbirth, being the most rewarding and hardest experience of their lives. So college and school seem pointless. This, however, has caused my grades to decline so rapidly, and it makes me sad to think that a few of you presume that means from going from an A to an A-. Because that's not the case, and I feel like I've let you down, subconciously some how. Sometimes being labeled is the only thing going for you. Like you know how there are those people who are totally wierd and wild on IM and the internet but are way shy in real life? Well what if those people are not shy in real life and you just haven't given them the right chance in the right surroundings. I don't know if that makes any sense. My life is so mundane, and I can't even complain. It's like I don't even feel anymore. Everyone keeps writing about how they miss previous years or wish they could do things over. I thought I did, but I don't. I hate where I am, and what I have, but not really who I am. I have so many regrets, but not that I'd do over. And I don't miss previous years, because I doubt I'm strong enough to repeat them. I've been worn down so much over the years, I feel sort of stretched. And on top of it all, I hate hearing that people know how I feel. Not to seem cold, but you just don't. I understand things can be hard for everyone, but it's in a different way. Like in spiderman when Uncle Ben told Spiderman he went through exactly the same thing at his age. But he didn't, and he could never understand the responsability Spiderman had. I'm not a superhero, but I can really relate to that. So I guess this entry was all sort of pointless, but I felt like I had to say something somewhere. It just seemed like the right month to do it, just to clear out some thoughts. And since I'll be going soon, I sort of hoped that I could leave with everyone having a better idea of who I am, if that's even possible. I know that sounds pathetic and hopeful but after senior year I may never see some of you again. We can promise to or want to but truthfully we may not. So much for the best years of our lives. This guy who went to school w/my mom died and she said she didn't know who he was and that seemed so sad to me. Because maybe the guy knew who she was or sat next to her in a class. They probably even talked because it was a small school. And she doesn't even know him and now he will fade into a nothingness of forgotten people. It's like in the second Lord of the Rings when the head elf guy dies in battle. Because he came there when he didn't have to, when he could have lived on in a perfect world across the seas forever. And then when he dies he falls to the ground surrounded by old men, young boys, and orcs, who will all be forgotten. Sorry for all the movie references. The thing is, we're all labeled as different people but we're not. We all hate it here, we all miss how it used to be, we all don't believe in cliques, we all wish people would drink less, etc. Yet none of these things change despite the mass want for them to. I guess we're all mainly just hypocritical. I kind of hope that when I come back here from Italy everyone will have sort of blended in a bit more, even if I can't belong with them. Oh, and I feel sort of inexplicably awkward now that the pope has died. If anyone can make it in heaven, it would be him (yes, i am aware that I am jewish), and yet he seemed slightly afraid to die. We all seemed afraid to see him die. And I question why we hold on to people like that, and what we suspect we will gain. What makes him any more a messenger to God than the next pope? I guess the pope is like a religion himself. People believe in organized religions to believe there's something more and to feel comfort, and with the pope gone, i suppose people feel sort of lost themselves. It is amazing that we're alive now. Because think back to all the accomplishments of previous decades. They're all pretty cool, but so much has already happened in our lifetime or will happen. The mars pictures, the millenium, the death of princess diana, 9/11, appointment of supreme court justices, cloning, elections, collapse of the soviet union, OJ trial, oklahoma city bombing and olympic park bombing, columbine, clinton, india resumes nuclear testing and N. Korea admission, war, tsunami, 5,000 episode of the price is right, swiss air plane crash, Newt Gingrich resigned, john glen, NC-17, mandela freed, johnny carson leaves tonight show, magic johnson tests positive, Pablo Escobar Gaviria goes to jail, Rodney King, Rajiv Gandhi assasinated,Mall of America, Amy Fisher and Joey Buttafuoco,Mike Tyson, Michael Jordan, Red Sox, Nancy Kerrigan vs. Tonya Harding,Ebola, Hale-Bopp, brandi chastain, pokemon, kings vs. lakers, janet jackson, trent lott, chunnel, Y2K bug, uhhh and that's all I can think of (I watch a lot of Oprah). Anyway, we'll be telling our children these things some day and even things as monumental as the death of the pope will have passed. I don't understand why we place so much value on some things, that's basically what I'm trying to say. And I think that's what seperates us, placing value on different things. I think the highest valued thing is life, but others disagree. Like there was that guy a while ago, someone Dahlmer, who was arrested for at least 17 deaths in 13 years. He would lure boys home for sex, and would then drug and kill them. Then he would continue to have sex with the corpses, and would sometimes dismember and eat his victims. He was sentenced to 15 consective life terms, but was killed two years into his sentence by a prison inmate. I bet you didn't know that. But I bet one of those boys' mothers can't sleep every night because that's all she thinks about. And she would probably sacrifice her own life to undo all of it. How can we even place value on life, when we value some lives more then others? I've been doing a lot of thinking, so thanks for listening