do you only love me when you're down
cause i've spent so much time down, that i'm not sure i want to find out.
i definitely miss last year like crazy. between the amazingness that was my mongolian dinner with beth, and special guest larissa felice, and the oc sleep over a few nights ago. it's weird how getting everything you wanted can somehow not make you happy. i guess you do need to be careful of what you wish for. i'm at that point where i want to throw everything away and start over. next year. finals are about to kill me. i can't stand the thought of everything that can go wrong, and how much weight is currently resting on my shoulders. shaw hall apparently doesn't believe in heat, so i'm basically in an icy tomb typing this, while not studying. christmukkah is cancelled which breaks my heart. i just feel like nothing good is ahead, and like there is nothing to look forward to. it's a time of year i usually adore, but right now, all i can see is my dad and i fighting on christmas eve, my friends who keep me sane being too far away, my most important relationships getting worse, and me alone on new years getting drunk with my mom watching 200 cigarettes. i thought i had come so far since last year, but i feel the same as i did then. except this time, the person that can help doesn't realize that i need them. and i'm trying to stay optimistic about everything but all i keep thinking is that if something isn't improving your life, you should get rid of it. and right now, it seems i have a lot to lose. i'm just looking for my reason to keep it.
i definitely miss last year like crazy. between the amazingness that was my mongolian dinner with beth, and special guest larissa felice, and the oc sleep over a few nights ago. it's weird how getting everything you wanted can somehow not make you happy. i guess you do need to be careful of what you wish for. i'm at that point where i want to throw everything away and start over. next year. finals are about to kill me. i can't stand the thought of everything that can go wrong, and how much weight is currently resting on my shoulders. shaw hall apparently doesn't believe in heat, so i'm basically in an icy tomb typing this, while not studying. christmukkah is cancelled which breaks my heart. i just feel like nothing good is ahead, and like there is nothing to look forward to. it's a time of year i usually adore, but right now, all i can see is my dad and i fighting on christmas eve, my friends who keep me sane being too far away, my most important relationships getting worse, and me alone on new years getting drunk with my mom watching 200 cigarettes. i thought i had come so far since last year, but i feel the same as i did then. except this time, the person that can help doesn't realize that i need them. and i'm trying to stay optimistic about everything but all i keep thinking is that if something isn't improving your life, you should get rid of it. and right now, it seems i have a lot to lose. i'm just looking for my reason to keep it.