you make me want to pick up a guitar and celebrate the various ways that i love you
i've been thinking a lot the past day or two. this is mostly driven by the random thought-provoking conversations that beth and i seem to have at the library. somehow i start off poundering diabetic shock and end up at skubisz family history and different motivations for behaviors. anyway...it's weird how the past always seems to look happier once it's over. whenever i look bad, even at times when i've been insanely depressed, i usually notice the good things when i look back on it. and it's odd that i can only feel the mood of what is happening once it's over. i just wonder what memories and moods i'm creating right now. when i look back at this time of my life, how will i see it? because it will be completely different than what i am experiencing right now. for some reason, i am rarely satisfied with the present. i am always longing some some past or future time. everything in my life is going well right now, but i still seem to want to regress and go sit in the ct with misty and eat einsteins, drive blasting dystentary gary on our way to see some crappy band, and then bitch about how everything is wrong. either that, or i want to fast forward to a time when this imaginary life i have always planned for myself comes to life. i think about my future record collection, my basement darkroom, and making dinner with my kick ass husband. at the same time, i'm terrified of even considering wanting such things, because of the possiblity that everything will go wrong and i will never have any of that. i think i'm going to jinx myself. it just seems odd for me to for once in my life, not care about my plan. if i don't care about it, how am i ever going to end up there? i guess i just find a struggle between living in the moment and enjoying life as it comes, and worrying that i'll end up a failure that never accomplishes everything. i think that ben folds describes in a nut shell what i want. "the luckiest" is it. but if i'm feeling something now, can i feel that for any extended period of time? "next door there's an old man who lived till his 90s and one day passed away in his sleep. and his wife she stayed for a couple of days and passed away. i'm sorry i know that's a strange way to tell you that i know we belong" that's just sort of ideal in my mind, and i can't understand why if all of that is really what i want eventually, why am i not going in that direction?