Fragile 4/5
Title: Fragile
Pairing: Changmin x Yoochun
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: When I close my eyes, they are mine.
Genre: AU, angst, drama, romance
Length: Chaptered
Warnings: Unbeta-ed, rape, incest, underage sex, twisted parentship.
Summary: ‘I love you’ soon becomes a meaningless phrase for Yoochun. His mother takes him more and more often to those strange friends of hers, sometimes leaving him and sometimes watching while those strangers do those things to him. She tells him it’s normal, she tells him he has to do it in order to prove how much he loves her. So Yoochun complies.
When his mother gets remarried, she tells her son he doesn't have to prove anything anymore. Yoochun thinks this is the end of the uncomfortable experiences but he's wrong. Things escalate even more when his stepbrother comes back from the army.
Chapter 1 // Chapter 2 // Chapter 3
The movements of his father are rough and Yoochun can only feel the fear inside him increase. His hands are desperately pushing and hitting, trying to create a space between their bodies, trying to create an opportunity for him to escape. His whole body is struggling to break free from the iron grip but Yoochun knows his desperate attempts are more painful to him than to his father.
He tries to scream, tries to cry for help, but his lips are still locked with his father's and the only sounds audible are his muffled screams, sounding exactly like the muffled moans of his father. Yoochun is too overwhelmed by fear that he doesn't even notice how his weak attempt at putting up a fight is turning Dongmin on even more.
His body is already moving, led to his parents's room filled with darkness, despite his struggling. Yoochuns breaths are uneven and raspy and the struggle causes a lack of oxygen for him, threatening to choke him, his vision swimming with dark spots. His thoughts are one big mess where nothing makes sense to him anymore and the only thing on his mind is to escape, no matter what.
When the kisses that seem to be never ending finally stop, Yoochun feels firm hands pushing his chest and even though he feels himself falling, he can’t stop the wave of relief flooding through him. There’s finally space between him and his father. When his butt makes contact with the floor, a small shriek escaping from his mouth, he doesn’t hesitate and the small boy finds himself on his feet barely a second later while he lunges for the door, every single nerve in his body screaming to him to escape.
He can see the light coming closer, the light from the hallway, the light of his freedom, and Yoochun is running as fast as he can, his survival instinct kicking in.
However, his hope is shattered when his wrist is caught by his father and a firm pull pulls him back to reality: he's still standing in the room of his parents, the open door a few metres further. "NO!" a desperate cry escapes from Yoochun's lips and he still tries to run, tries to yank his arm free from the threatening grip... But he already knows it's hopeless.
He hears his mother's voice, a soft and gentle voice yet Yoochun can't feel soothed by it, "Stop it, Yoochun-ah. Since when have you been this disobedient? You do remember what I've always told you, right?" Yoochun tries to ignore his irritation and frustration when he hears his mother moving closer, her naked body squatting before his eyes, her gaze fixated on his face. "You remember, right?"
And of course he remembers, of course does he realize what his mother had told him over and over again. He recalls all the times she had told him that he had to do it in order to prove his love for other people, to show that he had the courage to become a real man, to prove that he'd be man enough to be worthy of marriage, to be worthy of someone to love and protect.
He feels the hands of his mother unbuttoning his clothes and he doesn't even struggle, his eyes filled with embarrassment because of his childish behavior. His father is still holding his arm, placing another hand firmly on his shoulder and Yoochun doesn't know if it's an encouraging gesture or if he’s just making sure that his son won’t try to escape.
He has completely lost the will to fight, defeated by his own future, scared that he'd have nobody to love. Nobody who he could love and nobody who would love him. He wouldn't be worthy.
But then Changmin's angry voice cuts through his thoughts and he can hear his voice so clearly, so clearly that it almost seems real. Yoochun can hear his hurt voice with an underlying tone of anger in the car, asking him why he's thinking about other people when he had just been raped. Yoochun can hear his hurt voice, whispering to Jaejoong that he had seen his mother being raped and killed before his eyes by his own father.
His voice is so heartbreakingly sad that that it sends shivers down Yoochun’s spine.
And suddenly, Yoochun feels the power to fight again. To fight for his mother, to fight for his stepbrother, to fight for his family. His trembling small hands rest on her slender hands, placing a firm grip on them to stop them. His mother stops for a moment, giving him a scolding glance, but before she can say anything, he’s already talking.
“He-he-” Yoochun is ashamed of the trembling voice leaving his mouth. He knows he sounds as if he could snap into two pieces at any moment, he knows he sounds so incredibly fragile, so incredibly scared, but he continues anyway. He continues because he remembers the reason why he ran away from Jaejoong’s house. He continues because he knows he wants to save his mother no matter what. He lifts a shaky finger to point to his naked stepfather while he lowers the volume of his voice even though he knows Dongmin is able to hear them either way. “He... he killed his ex-wife. He killed Changmin’s mother. He raped her and killed her. Please, please, please, listen to me. Please believe me... I don’t want anyone to... I don’t want anyone to hurt you...”
Tears are brimming in his eyes as he looks at his mother, a pleading look filling his eyes. He doesn’t want to lose her, doesn’t want her to suffer, doesn’t want anyone to hurt this beautiful and precious person... His voice cracks when he opens his mouth once again but he doesn’t care; he only cares about convincing his mother, “I want you to be happy.”
“Listen to me, Yoochun,” his mother says, her voice soft and understanding. “I think you’re confused. I am happy. Dongmin-ah has never tried to hurt me and I don’t know what Changmin has told you... but you do remember what I have told you, right? You do love me, right?”
Her fingers continue the unbuttoning and Yoochun is too confused, his emotions and thoughts becoming a big turmoil. He doesn’t know what he has to do anymore, doesn’t know if he should believe Changmin or his mother... His eyes are staring at the dark floor where shadows are playing. He can see his own shadow, small and frail, his mother kneeling before him. It looks as if she’s preparing him for something big, a school play or maybe the first school day, as she straightens his clothes and buttons his shirt. However, Yoochun knows better.
Behind them, there’s another shadow. It’s a big and masculine shadow with broad shoulders and Yoochun already knows it’s his father’s. He stares at it intensely and when his father moves closer, his enlarged shadow towering over his own small body, Yoochun can see the shadow become one of the monsters in the dark he had always been so scared of when he was younger.
And that's when he becomes too scared.
That’s when the realization kicks him that his mother would never side with him, not even if his father would reveal his true colors. She would never pick him. She would never pick her son... And Yoochun realizes his dream for a happy and complete family had always been like a spinning toll. It was spinning and spinning. Sometimes, it would slow down a bit, wobbling dangerously, threatening to fall, threatening to shatter, before it’d gain its speed again.
However, from the beginning, it was bound to stop spinning. Just like his dream was bound to be hopeless.
That’s when his mind becomes an incoherent blur and he’s acting before he can think about it.
"Stop it..." he whispers, his eyes still fixated on the floor. His mother is still busy unbuttoning his clothes, her pale and slender fingers fast and skillful. He realizes how wrong his plan is, his plan to rebel and he knows he's never going to be loved again in this lifetime... but Yoochun doesn't know anything anymore, doesn’t know what's right and what's wrong, doesn't see what's the solution in this mess, the desperation and insecurity killing him.
"Stop it," he repeats, his voice louder and with more power, as he takes a shaky breath. Yoochun tries to gather all his courage, tries to continue his plan even though he knows it's not too late to retreat, even though he knows there's still a chance for him to be loved in this very lifetime.
"I told you to stop!" Yoochun screams, insecurity filling his body as he gathers all his energy to push his mother off of him. In this moment of chaos, where his mother loses her balance and falls on her ass, where his father is caught by surprise, his grip on his son’s shoulders loosening, Yoochun starts running towards the door, starts running towards the light while he starts screaming bloody murder.
His body finally leaves the room, the room of torture, but Yoochun knows he still has to escape the house. His small feet are running, running to his freedom but he can hear the footsteps of his father behind him. Yoochun is so scared, so scared of being caught that he speeds up his pace even more. He already knows this isn't going to end well before anything has happened at all.
When Yoochun loses his balance, when he misplaces his foot on the stairs, when he twists his ankle, when he loses his balance and falls down the stairs, Yoochun knows this is going to end bad either way.
In the moment he's flying in the air, in the moment before his body hit the concrete, Yoochun finds himself wishing that he could always feel so carefree, he finds himself wishing he could always feel as if he was flying through the sky.
He finds himself wishing for the pain to end.
For everything to end.
~
His whole body is hurting, every muscle throbbing and Yoochun is disappointed to find himself back to reality, back to this place filled with insecurities and pain. He hears arguing voices, voices he should be able to recognize but doesn't.
“No! I’ve told you already, you’re not going to do this again. You think I’m a joke? You think I’m the same boy from your memories? You think you can do the same things and still get away with it?” there’s a voice screaming so loudly that it fills Yoochun’s head, leaving him with an even bigger headache. The small boy wants to tell the yelling person to stop shouting, to take things easy but before he can find the right words, the man is already continuing, “And how about you? How about you? Isn’t he your son? How can you allow him to be used like this? Where’s your conscience? I can’t believe it, I can’t fucking believe it. You guys are exactly the same, where did you find such a great wife, dad? Where did you find such a great wife who was willing to sacrifice her own son for your needs?”
“Who are you to lecture me like this?” it’s another familiar voice. The voice had always been so sweet and soothing in his memories and yet, the feminine voice sounded angry right now. “Yes, he is my son. Can’t I decide his fate? I’ve always been the one who had to take care of him, can’t I at least expect him to give a little back? Am I not allowed to decide what he has to do?”
“God, you’re just thinking about him as an object, as a tool. I can’t even believe it, are you out of your mind? How can you think like that about a human being, about your own fucking son? How can you ruin your own flesh and blood with your own hands?”
It takes Yoochun a full minute to come out of his disorientated state, a moan escaping from his lips when he opens his eyes against the bright light. His head is pounding, his body is throbbing and there's such an unbelievable pain coming from his right hand that it leaves him paralyzed, every inch of his body screaming to go back to his unconscious state filled with bliss.
"Yoochun, Yoochun-ah, are you okay?" immediately, there's a worried voice besides him, the voice which had sounded so incredibly mad just a few seconds ago that the sudden change surprises the small boy. Yoochun squints his eyes against the light, turning his head to see a handsome face... For a moment, he doesn't recognize the man and he's panicked to realize he should be able to remember this stranger but doesn't. Fear is spreading through his throbbing body, leaving it cold and heavy just like a lifeless body, even though Yoochun knows he isn't dead yet.
"Ch-ch-ch-" there's a syllable stuck on his lips but Yoochun doesn't know what he wants to say... even though every nerve is screaming it to him. However, the word gets lost in the screaming voices and it leaves him with an even bigger headache.
The eyes of the man soften, but even though they become gentle, Yoochun is still able to see the furious gaze in them. Then the man stands up, towering over him, to speak to another man. This time, his voice is filled once again with loathe and disgust. “Don't think I'm done with you yet. I have witnesses who are willing to talk. You’d better get that arrogant smile of your face because you don’t know what kind of hell you’ll have to go through. Even if I can’t get you in jail, the proof I have will be enough to tarnish your reputation.”
“You know nothing about family, Changmin-ah,” there’s something hauntingly scary about the voice, “Maybe you can learn something from Yoochun. Who are you to make decisions for him? He isn’t your son nor your real brother. You think I’ll go easy on you just because you’re my son? Don’t kid yourself. The moment you step out of this door with Yoochun, I can go to the police and tell them you’ve kidnapped my wife’s son. You know I have money. You know a little bit of money can make experts believe Yoochun is suffering from the Stockholm syndrome, right? Do you even think he’ll take your side?”
There are footsteps, the sound of someone coming closer and a light breath is brushing Yoochun’s cheek, “You’d never betray your family, right?”
There’s fear flaring through his body and the small boy wants to move, wants to run away as fast as possible, but there’s something heavy on his chest, pulling him down. It takes Yoochun a few seconds to realize there’s nothing lying on his body, that it’s just the heavy pain suffocating him. He tries to get away but his body feels so heavy and useless that he can barely move an inch.
“Stop it,” a voice hisses and there’s the sound of a push, “Leave him alone. We’ll see who’ll become the winner of this battle. I don’t care. You can say that I’ve kidnapped your son, I don’t care. When I’m done with you, you’ll be wishing you’d have listened to me earlier.”
Arms are curling around his body and for a moment, Yoochun is scared he’ll throw up again. The lights are still too bright for him and he’s looking through squinted eyes to see the anger painted on Changmin’s face, a visual he’d never be able to get out of his head. His body is lifted and Yoochun finds himself wrapped safely in the arms of his stepbrother.
It’s been a long time since he has felt so safe.
His hand curls around the soft fabric of Changmin’s shirt and he’s inhaling his scent, the scent of safety and warm love. “Please don’t leave me,” he croaks, the fear dripping from his voice. “Please, don’t.”
~
There’s just so much relief when they’re finally in the car. Yoochun’s hand is already searching for Changmin’s, even though the latter is supposed to drive. When his small hand finally finds Changmin’s big hand, when he finally makes sure his stepbrother is still with him, only then is the small boy able to relax his tense body.
“God, what were you thinking? Why did you go back?!” Yoochun hadn’t expected the loud outburst of angry emotions next to him and he shrinks a little in his seat. Instinctively, he’s pulling his hand back, thinking his brother is too angry with him right now to be holding hands with him. However, his hand is caught mid air by Changmin and he wraps his big hand tightly around Yoochun’s. Changmin’s thumb is caressing his skin gently and this gives Yoochun more hope, hope that his stepbrother isn’t really mad at him.
Careful to avoid Changmin’s gaze, Yoochun looks out of the window, before answering, “I-I was stupid. I heard you talking to Jaejoong this morning and I-I-I was so scared he’d do something to my mother as well. I was stupid... she... she... she doesn’t care.” A dry sob is escaping from his lips. He feels like crying so badly, like sobbing his heart out, but even though his eyes are burning, they refuse to let tears fall.
“God, you really are stupid. Are you a masochist? There’s a reason why I’d never told you this...” even though the voice is speaking disapprovingly, Changmin’s hand escapes from his own to pat him softly on the head. He starts the car and when his car is on the road, his hand regains its firm grip on Yoochun’s before he continues, “What were you thinking? God, do you even know how scared I was for you?”
“I’m-I’m sorry,” Yoochun says, biting his lip as he continues staring out of the window, a guilty look painted on his face. “I didn’t expect daddy to be home. I thought... I thought I could save mommy. I thought... I could save my family.”
The small boy doesn’t notice the frustrated look appearing on Changmin’s face, his eyes still fixated on the road, but when the silence becomes almost unbearable, Yoochun is finally able to gather enough courage to face his stepbrother. “I know I’m stupid... but please, please, can you answer one question for me?” his eyes are begging Changmin and even though the latter is paying attention to the road, he gives a small nod. “Is it... normal. Please tell me whether it’s normal or not to... to prove your love for your parents. Please tell me whether it’s normal or not to have people in-inside you, to have it hurt this badly, to... to...”
He’s crying. He’s crying so badly that his whole body is shaking and trembling against his will, his hitching voice enough proof of the tearing realization of truth inside him. Yoochun already knows the truth, already realizes that the truth had always been under his nose... and yet, he had refused to believe it all this time.
Yoochun hears his own voice, a faint voice from his memories when everything seemed to be so much simpler, “How was your first time? Didn’t-didn’t you feel gross too? Didn’t it make you want to throw up too?”, immediately followed by the high and innocent voice of Junsu, “What are you talking about? The first time? I don’t understand you.” The small boy is still able to remember the expression of surprise of Junsu’s face, the expression of incomprehension. He should have realized something back then.
The voice of Junsu is followed by another voice, the voice of the person sitting besides him though this person hasn’t said anything yet. “Why are you thinking about other people when you’ve just been raped? Why are you ignoring your own feelings? Aren’t you... shocked? Disgusted? How can you forget this after a night of sleep? How are you even going to be able to sleep tonight?”
And Yoochun finally understands it. He finally understands the meaning of the word ‘rape’, finally understands that what he has been doing for the past years has been completely wrong, completely against the laws of morality. And yet, he’s still hoping that this isn’t the case. He’s hoping so desperately that it hurts just thinking about the possibility of him having done so many things so immorally wrong.
“It’s not normal, Yoochun-ah,” Changmin says, his eyes soft and his voice gentle. His world is shattering, falling to the ground, followed by his own body. He can feel himself falling into a black hole, one that never seems to end, one where he would never hit the ground. One where he would keep falling and falling, falling into the nothing. He can feel himself breaking, shattering, can feel the truth clawing at him, ripping him into countless little pieces of sin. “Please tell me what happened. Please tell me everything that happened. Let me help you... I can’t bear to see you like this.”
But Yoochun doesn’t know anymore, doesn’t know anything anymore, as the space seems to lack oxygen, as the space seems to become smaller and smaller, threatening to crush his already shattering body. His whole being seems to torn apart, this news hitting him in the very core of his soul and he feels like he’s crumbling away, crumbling into the nothingness.
He can see Changmin’s worried eyes fixated on him, on his moist brown eyes filled with confusion, fear and pain, on his trembling lips, on his shaking hands and Yoochun can see the panic on his stepbrother’s face. The car stops though he doesn’t realize it and before he knows it, Changmin is leaning forward, his right hand still clutching Yoochun’s left hand, while he extends his other hand to cup the wet cheek of the small boy.
“It’s okay... Don’t cry, I’m here for you now. Nothing will happen anymore...” Yoochun finds himself in Changmin’s embrace, in his strong embrace radiating warmth and safety, but nothing can expel the clawing and suffocating feeling of despair.
He can’t help but feel even more suffocated by the embrace, by the embrace that was supposed to be a sign of care and support but turned into a suffocating grip filled with expectations. When Yoochun tries to break free from the embrace, his hand lightly nudging Changmin’s shoulder, there’s a numb pain shooting through his right hand. Only then is it that he finally pays attention to it, a light “ouch” escaping from his lips before he can catch it.
When he finally takes a good look at his fingers, his middle and ring finger slightly bruised and swollen, Yoochun realizes he should have paid more attention to his injuries after his fall.
~
“What did you do, Yoochun-ah?” the sharp voice of Jaejoong sounds. The man immediately rushes forward when the two men step into the room, the tall one slightly distraught while the short one has his bandaged hand in a cast. The worried look on his face is killing Yoochun and his guilt increases even more when he realizes that Changmin’s friend skipped work for him.
“It’s nothing,” he mumbles, his face lowered as he makes his way past the handsome man. This feeling of being misplaced, of being unwanted, is filling him and this turmoil of emotions is too much for him to handle. He doesn’t know where he belongs anymore. His parents used him as an item, an item to fulfill their own needs. He felt misplaced in the hands of his stepbrother; he had been putting so much trust in him, so much faith, that he was clinging with both hands on Changmin. Yoochun knew he could be shaken off so easily, dropped somewhere to die alone, since there was no responsibility for his stepbrother. They weren’t even tied by blood. Besides, how could he leech off from his stepbrother and his friend for the rest of his life?
“Please leave me alone...” his voice is different, lower than usual, and he hates the vulnerability radiating from his weak voice threatening to break.
He hates his own vulnerability.
~
The only thing worse than crying your heart out, the only thing worse than thinking the tears will never stop, thinking the pain will never stop, is not being able to cry at all. Yoochun felt so much pain, so much confusion and pain that it devastated him, so much pain that he felt like breaking apart... so much pain that he could feel his eyes stinging with the need to cry.
And yet, all he could do was lie lifelessly in bed, his unfocused eyes staring at the ceiling.
His thoughts are somewhere far, far away, somewhere in the past. Only now does Yoochun realize what a fool he has been, how foolish he was for thinking he could become happy by seeing his mother smile. How foolish he was for thinking he could have a loving family, how foolish he was for thinking he could carry the responsibility for something like that.
He was a fool.
He was a fool for thinking his mother loved him. He remembered all those times she would tell him ‘I love you’. He remembered she would always tell him those three words when he had felt so thoroughly used and thrown away. He remembered how those three words - those three words which ought to give support, love and courage - lost its meaning for him.
He was a fool for thinking his father loved him. How badly he had been manipulated... How badly he had been used to fulfill the sexual needs of his father. Even Yoochun himself couldn’t believe it. His mind kept running back in time, rewinding, to find where it all had started, where it all had gone wrong.
It scared him that he didn’t even know when the manipulating had begun.
Yoochun finds himself thinking about his life, thinking how pathetic he had acted his whole life. He finds himself wishing he could go back in time to change his pathetic being into something less pitiful, something more powerful and admirable. He finds himself wishing he could make the pain disappear, this self-loathing feeling that overwhelms his body like poison and sets him on fire. Yoochun can feel the raging flames burn his body, he can feel them destroy him from the inside.
He doesn’t know how long he has been lying on his bed, his unseeing eyes refusing to tear focused somewhere on the ceiling. When he hears the creaking of the door followed with light footsteps, Yoochun can’t even find the energy to look who has entered. He doesn’t want anyone to see him like this, doesn’t want to look anyone in the eyes and see the pity there, the pity for such a low and unworthy being like him.
“Do you want to talk about it?” the voice of Changmin is soft and filled with understanding. It makes his heart cringe and Yoochun wants nothing else but shrink away in the mattress, wants nothing else but disappear from the earth. He still refuses to look his stepbrother in the eyes, scared that his own eyes are a gate to the turmoil of emotions inside of him. He’s scared to show his crumbled self to the world.
And yet, the feeling of comfort that fills him when Changmin places himself softly on the bed, is encouraging him to speak... The room goes silent again, the only sounds being the sound of their rhythmic breathing.
A minute later, Yoochun finds his mouth moving even though the voice leaving it doesn’t sound like his own. Even though he doesn’t seem to be able to control the flood of words leaving his mouth.
“The first time... the first time- it hurt so much, I couldn’t even wrap my mind around it. I couldn’t stop crying. I hadn’t expected something like this to happen at all but mommy... mommy said it was normal, she said everyone did it to prove their love for their parents. And of course did I love mommy and daddy... so it continued.
I disliked it. I absolutely loathed the feeling of being torn apart but I did it for my mommy. She told me I should do it to show her that I was worthy, that I was worthy to be loved. And I wanted to be loved. I wanted to love my mommy too, I wanted to see her smile genuinely, I wanted to see a smile on her face that would reach her eyes. I wanted to see the crinkles around her eyes, I wanted to see the dimples in her cheeks and I wanted to see a healthy complexion on her face. I thought my mommy’s happiness was more important than mine.
And to a certain degree, it made me feel happy when I’d see my mommy smile.
When she finally met daddy, your daddy, she told me I’d proven my love for her-”
“Wait, wait. Are you telling me you have been raped before your mother met my father?” there’s something so completely off in Changmin’s voice and when Yoochun finally finds the energy to focus his gaze on the eyes of his stepbrother, he finds himself wishing he hadn’t looked. The murderous glance in his eyes is enough to send cold shivers down his spine and the small boy doesn’t even know what to answer, scared that Changmin would run to their house to kill his father and mother.
A small voice is leaving his throat. He’s scared of the consequences but feels the undeniable urge to tell his stepbrother everything truthfully, “Yes.”
There’s a silent. One where the eyes of Changmin are staring at the wall with a murderous glance and Yoochun can practically see the lasers shooting out of them, causing Jaejoong’s apartment to break down. The small boy finds himself thinking that it was a good thing Changmin didn’t have this kind of superhero gift.
The atmosphere is so tense that Yoochun can barely stand it but when Changmin finally opens his mouth, it surprises Yoochun how calm his voice is, “Please continue. I won’t interrupt you anymore. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t make it so hard for you to tell.”
“That’s okay,” a faint smile appears on his face but he already knows that it lacks the genuineness of a real smile. Yoochun already knows it looks pathetic, a veracious reflection of his true self, “When I met your father, my mom told me I didn’t have to continue this interaction with unknown men anymore.
For a long period of time, there was nothing. But one day, daddy seemed so sad, seemed to think that I didn’t love him. He seemed to think he was an outsider, someone who wasn’t accepted in our family. I didn’t want him to think that... I wanted to have a big and happy family, one where everyone loved each other genuinely. So I wanted to prove my love for him... I was the one...” he hesitates for a moment but then finally finds his strength back, his strength to speak the truth even though he might look bad because of it, “I was the one who convinced daddy. I was the one who kissed him first. It’s only... only logical that daddy assumed things. It’s only logical that he continued what I started.”
“Your mother is just as messed up as my father, if not more,” There’s a disgusted look on Changmin’s face and Yoochun doesn’t want to think about the possibility that maybe, this disgusted look is meant for him. He feels so vulnerable and fragile, the only thing holding him together right now a thin layer of skin, while everything is just one big mess. He is one big mess. A mess who can’t find the power anymore to fight against this chaos of emotions and pain.
Changmin moves closer, his hand reaching out to touch Yoochun’s cheek but when his fingertips brush lightly against his cheek, the small boy finds himself flinching, trying to get away from the touch. There’s a faint blush on his cheeks, his ashamed eyes fixated on the floor. The slightest touch seems to be too intimate now that all the rules of society - or at least, what he thought to be the rules of society - seem to be fake. Yoochun feels as if he needs to learn everything about the world again. He doesn’t know anymore what’s right and what’s wrong, doesn’t know anything anymore in this huge mess.
Immediately, Changmin pulls his hand back and the look of hurt in his eyes is almost enough to kill Yoochun. “I’m sorry,” Yoochun whispers, his throat dry with embarrassment. His heart almost seems to jump out of his chest but he tries to ignore it, tries to think of other things to prevent his tears from falling. Why did he always cry at the wrong moments?
“It’s okay, I shouldn’t have... not after what happened,” Changmin says, his worried eyes digging into Yoochun’s. “How’s your hand? Is it hurting?”
“No.” Yoochun answered courtly. He had broken his middle and ring finger but he couldn’t care less - the numb pain was nothing compared to the hurt he felt inside of him. It actually felt nice to have this physical pain as a grip as it took some of his attention away from the mental pain. He was glad he didn’t have any other severe injuries especially since he wasn’t able to remember Changmin’s name when he woke up for the first time.
There’s a sigh of relief. “I’m glad. If there’s something you need, you can always ask me or Jaejoong. Please don’t hesitate. Please don’t... don’t... hurt.”
There’s another pause. Yoochun can practically see Changmin hesitating, he can practically see the want to embrace in his eyes and yet, the small boy does nothing but sit there lifelessly. “I’m not hurting,” he says, though he can’t even convince himself. Before he is able to catch himself, he has already said, “Please don’t blame our parents for anything.”
And he finally realizes how hard it is to change one’s way of thinking.
~
Yoochun doesn’t know anymore, doesn’t know how his body became so numb and cold, how his mind became so clouded, how his eyes seemed to sting and yet refuse to let any moisture escape. Only when his door opens once again with the careful question if he’s already sleeping, does the small boy notice how dark his room has become. He doesn’t answer the question though and just continues staring at the ceiling. He has the feeling he has memorized every little detail about it now: the exact placement of the lamp, the little bumps in the paintwork, the faint shadows created by light...
Time seems to tick backwards but he doesn’t seem to mind.
He has seas of time to think things over, to rethink his whole life. To see how wrong he has lived until now.
The past few days seem to have gone into a blur. Yoochun doesn’t remember anything of it, doesn’t remember the routine he has fallen into. Everything seemed to have come to him just natural.
“Hey, you should at least take a shower. God, you smell,” a voice is speaking to him. Something in the voice is so hilariously disapproving that it sparks something inside of him. “C’mon, go take a shower. Get a grip on yourself!”
Yoochun finds his body moving his limbs, making his way to the bathroom without him even realizing. Changmin has taken his hand, taken the lead, to guide him to the room. When they’re finally there, Yoochun’s lifeless eyes darting through the room he hadn’t seen in a while, Changmin takes the initiative to fill the bath tub with lukewarm water and soap. When the bath is filled, there’s a hesitating look in the eyes of his stepbrother, before he clears his throat, “Do you need help with anything? If not, I’ll just leave now.”
When another silence follows, Changmin is already getting ready to leave. His footsteps are sounding in the room and the small boy can already feel the body heat of his brother leaving him, removing itself away from him, when he finally finds the energy to raise his hand and grab the cloth stuck to Changmin’s sleeve. “I-I can’t,” he says, using his voice for the first time in days, “I can’t do this. My hand...”
Both their eyes drop to his bandaged hand, Changmin's lips forming a small 'oh', and the tension seems to increase only more when they both continue to stare at his hand. The silence seems to go on for ages though Yoochun knows it couldn't have lasted for more than a few seconds. He clears his throat nervously, "C-could you please help me?"
He's so scared. He knows he has to show his naked body in front of Changmin, knows he's going to be touched by Changmin, knows that this interaction between them is going to be way too close for his liking. Yoochun bites his lip, a worried look in his eyes, as his whole body has started to shake with the idea of this kind of intimacy with anyone.
"Don't worry... I won't hurt you. Hey, do you hear me?" Changmin says it clearly, syllable for syllable rolling out of his mouth, the gaze in his big eyes intruding Yoochun's. The small boy only manages to nod weakly but his complexion pale from fear is enough to betray him.
He had heard the words 'I won't hurt you' so often already... and they were always followed by a sharp pain down his spine, threatening to snap him into two pieces.
"You know what?" Changmin says while he stretches his hands out with the palms up, his eyes closed, "You can use my hands as yours. This is the newest innovation by technology, the Changmin Hands 1.0: they can be used every time you need an extra pair of hands. Satisfaction guaranteed or else you'll get your money back."
He carefully opens one eye, stealing a look from Yoochun's face, before he mischievously adds, "I won't peak."
There's a small smile on Yoochun's lips, probably the first smile in a long time. A nervous giggle escapes from his mouth and when his small left hand grabs Changmin's hand, guiding it slowly to grab the hem of his shirt, he can't help but say, "Geez, you're so silly."
~
Yoochun either has restless dreamless nights or nights filled with insommia. When he has the latter and finally manages to fall asleep, he's haunted by nightmares. Today was one of those nights.
The small boy doesn't remember falling asleep but suddenly, he's in a dark room. There's something so completely off but he can't put his finger on it... And then, the lights go on and Yoochun finally recognizes the environment; Dongmin's house.
There's something touching his leg, his bare skin, and when Yoochun turns his head, he sees his mother next to him, her hand stroking his leg. He’s stunned for a moment and when he finally finds the energy to run away, only then does realization sink in that he isn’t able to move his limbs. He wants to scream, wants to scream for help, but no sound leaves his open mouth but a raspy yet silent scream.
“I love you. You love me too, right?” the voice of his mother is panting, panting into his ear as she nibbles on his ear lobe. The small boy cringes, tries to get away from her but his limbs refuse to work along.
It isn’t even possible to move a finger. His mother moves closer, moves her mouth from his ear to his lips and before he knows it, they’re passionately kissing. His body is working without his permission.
His mother moans, loud moans filled with lust, and Yoochun feels his own fear turn into need. His arms are wrapped tightly around his mother’s body, squeezing the soft flesh, while his dream turns into an incoherent blur of sex, lust and need. Even he himself is surprised by his own craving to feel, to feel close to the person he loves, to feel something, something other than the incomprehensible pain.
He's surprised by his longing to feel real.
Suddenly, there are other hands around him. Hands that don’t belong to his mother. When Yoochun opens his eyes, his mouth still molded with his mother’s, the first thing that catches his attention is the face of his father. He’s pressing kisses on the skin of his face, a hand settled in the loose hair of his mother, while he continues kissing and touching Yoochun. Only then does he realize this isn’t what he wants.
His longing to feel real isn’t going to be fulfilled this way.
His hands are pushing, pushing the bodies away from his own naked body. He suddenly feels the need to breathe, the need to have room to think. Disgust is filling his small body as he realizes this is everything he had been thinking about at daylight, everything he didn’t want to repeat, and yet, he gave in once again. How could he be so pathetic?
Suddenly, the face of his father starts changing, starts to deform into something else. The shape of his face becomes smaller, taller with a sharp jawbone while the eyes become smaller as well, the double eyelids turning into monolids. The nose becomes higher, the lips thinner while a mole appears right above the upper lip. When the man smiles, a perfect smile with straight teeth, only then does Yoochun feel the fear take an immense proportion. His breathing speeds up, his whole body turning cold as he wants to run away.
However, he’s surrounded. There are countless people surrounding him, their faces hidden from his sight because of the angle of shadows, and yet... Yoochun knows exactly who they are. He sees the faint shimmering of a necklace with a cross, sees another man completely clothed in white while the feminine features of another man are clearly visible. When the person in white starts to laugh, a dimple showing in his cheek, the others soon follow. The laughing seems to bounce from the walls, echoing, filling his head with nothing but the sound of scary laughter.
They’re haunting him. Haunting him like monsters.
Yoochun knows he’s being haunted by sin. He knows there’s no way he could ever escape it.
When he finally startles awake, his eyes wide and teary, the picture of the dark shadows inching closer and closer to him still burned on his vision, only then does he realize that this vivid nightmare had only been a dream. Still, he can’t shake off the threatening feeling of being surrounded. His breathing is raspy and uneven while his back is covered with cold sweat. His eyes are darting through the dark room filled with shadows, scared that the man with the mole could pop out of the shadow in the corner of his room or that the man with the cross necklace would appear from behind the bookcase.
He bites his trembling lips while he embraces his shaking frame with his small hands. He knows his fears are based on nothing but when he closes his eyes once again, the image of those men slipping out of the shadows to make their way to him, to have their way with him, is flashing before his eyes. However, when he opens his eyes in shock, there’s nothing but darkness in his room.
Sleep won’t come to him again. He’s too scared to close his eyes again and his body remains rigid, fear clouding his mind. Tears are brimming in his eyes and he knows he’s on the verge of going insane; yet, it frustrates him he can’t do anything about it. It’s as if his unconsciousness is being controlled by his fears, crushing all the hopes for a recovery.
It takes him so much courage to get up, to slip out of his warm bed, to move his limbs to the living room where he can see his stepbrother sleeping in a light bundle of sheets. When he stares at his sleeping stepbrother, when he stares at his peaceful face, his long lashes, his perfect nose, only then does peace finally come back to Yoochun. He remembers how Changmin had helped him this evening; how he had tried to reduce the awkwardness as much as possible. Because, God, what had it been awkward.
They both knew bathing had been something unavoidable. They both knew how Yoochun reacted towards any physical contact, how any kind of intimacy could leave him trembling in fear. How even the lightest touch could make him cringe, could make him try to hide in the darkest corners of the room.
And yet, Yoochun couldn’t help but feel safe and treasured when he was with Changmin.
“Changmin,” a soft whisper is escaping from his lips before he’s able to catch it. He refuses to go back to his room, to the room haunted by monsters, and he stretches one of his hands to lightly nudge Changmin’s shoulder. His brother stirs a little bit, groaning in annoyance at this disturbance in his sleep, before falling back into his dreams.
A soft sigh escapes from Yoochun’s lips. He doesn’t want to bother his brother anymore and yet, he refuses to go back to the scary room. He tries again, “Changmin...”
“What is it?” Changmin mumbles sleepily, his eyes finally opening a little bit to look at the small boy in front of him. “What’s wrong? Does your hand hurt?”
“No... not my hand...” Yoochun mumbles. He wants to say that his heart hurts, that he feels so terribly lost in this whole world, that he feels like he’s struggling to prevent himself from drowning... but he’s too ashamed to let the words come out. Instead, he settles for a more childlike answer, “I can’t sleep.”
Changmin looks at him sleepily and a silence follows. For a moment, Yoochun finds himself thinking that his brother might have fallen asleep but instead, Changmin lifts his sheets, welcoming him with a soft, “Well, if you want, come here then.”
When Yoochun slips next to Changmin, feeling the warmth of the sheets and the body next to him, he lets out a sigh of relief. Changmin’s arms find their way around his small body at the same time his arms slip around his brother’s breathing form. Their legs tangle together and Yoochun finds his face pressed into the rhythmic heaving chest of Changmin. A blissful feeling of safety is overwhelming him.
Even though the couch is way too small for the two of them, Yoochun doesn’t care.
For a moment, his mind is finally filled with nothing but warmth and safety. The strong arms of Changmin are wrapped securely around him, protecting him from the dark shadows from outside, the sweet smell of the man putting his mind to ease while the sound of his steady and strong heartbeat is like a lullaby. A blissful sleep is soon welcoming him.
When Yoochun wakes up the next day and notices that Changmin has fallen off the couch, he isn’t surprised at all. He tries so hard to suppress his laughter when he wakes his brother up but can’t when he sees the confused look in Changmin’s eyes.
That’s the first time in days a carefree laugh is escaping from his lips.
~
“You look so much better, Chun-ah,” Jaejoong says, bringing his spoon to his mouth. It's early in the morning and they're eating their breakfast. Changmin has already left for whatever business he actually had; Yoochun knows his brother is looking for a job, for an apartment and there was even something about a lawsuit.
He hates to hear that his brother has gone this far for him, for just a small and unimportant boy. His left hand is clutching his own spoon awkwardly, bringing it shakily to his mouth, before he admits shyly, "I actually feel a lot better as well."
They're both smiling before they continue eating their breakfast, Jaejoong's gaze fixated on the newspaper.
"Hyung?" Yoocbun nervously clears his throat. There had been something he had wanted to know for days and yet, he hadn't had the guts to ask anyone. When Jaejoong looks up, a curious gaze in his eyes, he asks, "What is this... about a lawsuit? Could you please explain it to me?"
"Mm..." Jaejoong mumbles while he continues eating. For a moment, Yoochun thinks that he won't get an answer. For a moment, he thinks the man is careful to answer these kind of dangerous questions around him. However, to his big surprise, Jaejoong opens his mouth, "Well, I can't tell you everything since this is really complicated... But let's just say that Changmin is willing to do anything to ruin his father. He'd gladly take your mother down as well."
"W-why?" the question is already leaving his mouth before Yoochun is able to catch it. He has seen his brother angry only two times, both times at their parents, and he knows how scary Changmin could be. And even though the small boy feels so betrayed by his family, his heart is already worrying about his parents.
"Don't you understand it? When will it finally dawn on you, Yoochun?" the same frustrated look as Changmin's appears in Jaejoong's eyes and the small boy can finally see how much the two are actually alike, "They have both used you mercilessly. You're not the only one who has been ruined by them either... Have you seen yourself lately? It's just becoming better but really, I've never seen anyone so cheerful become so lifeless in less than twelve hours. It scared me to death, Yoochun-ah...
Listen to me. Your and Changmin's parents are bad people, do you understand? Your mother... she doesn't care about people, only about money. Your father is a murderer, a rapist, even a pedophile in this kind of sense. Changmin... he is a lot like you. You've both been incredibly hurt by the ones you love and yet... you still continue to love. I can't imagine the confusion you're going through right now but please, think about things carefully and don't lose yourself in this mess... Changmin and I are always there for you; we'll help you through this."
There's something about those words so undeniably real that Yoochun feels assured and yet, a little bit scared too. He's scared that his parents are going to suffer, that Changmin would do everything to win this battle.
"I-I don't want my parents to be in pain," he whispers softly, his voice trembling, "Please don't hurt them..."
"Why are you so selfless? How can you still say this after everything you've been through? To be quite honest, we're standing strong in this case. We have a third party who's willing to witness and companies rivalling Dongmin's are really eager to destroy his carefully built reputation. You probably didn't know but your stepfather is quite a big name in the industry. Even if we don't win this case, he's going to suffer huge losses and his rival companies have connections everywhere. I'm sure they would be able to blow this up to immense proportions."
"No..." the words are already leaving Yoochun's mouth as he begins to shake his head desperately, "No. I-I don't want mommy and daddy to suffer. I don't want Changmim to turn into a-a monster who hurts other people. I want my family to be happy..."
"How can you still say that? After everything you've been through? Why are you wishing happiness for the people who mercilessly took that same happiness away from you? Changmin isn't becoming a monster - he has acted lenient enough towards his father a few years ago when his mother was killed. He could have done the same thing as now back then but instead, he chose to run away to his own world. Thus he joined the army. He was ready to go on with his life when he returned, to pretend like nothing happened even though the hate was burning him from the inside, but then he discovered about you.
He discovered how a pure and innocent child had been used, ruined, by his own father - someone you hold no blood ties with. But Changmin did. You can't imagine how ashamed and angry he felt... So ashamed towards you, a child without a childhood, and so angry towards himself and his father for something this disgusting to happen again.
Yoochun-ah, you're one of the most selfless people I've ever known. However, you should think about yourself as well. Don't waste your time thinking about the happiness of your parents when they're people who don't deserve it. Think about yourself; forget your past, forget about those cruelties, and start over again. Learn to love yourself more because, please, you're totally worth it."
~
They're haunting him, the very same monsters. His clothes are torn, hanging uselessly on his shoulders, but he couldn't care less. He's running barefooted through the woods, his bare feet making contact with the dewy grass. It could have been a beautiful feeling of freedom, had he not been followed by his parents.
His mother is yelling for him, desperate yells to make him stop, and Yoochun knows for sure he would have if his father hadn't been beside her. His short legs continue running towards the dark wood where the trees are so incredibly high. He has a hard time breathing and he's scared for the dark but he continues anyway.
However, his short legs cannot outrun the tall legs of his father and he feels a hand close around his wrist. A startled sound escapes from his mouth but he still tries to yank his hand free, tries so desperately to escape his fate. However, his father is too strong for him.
Yoochun soon finds himself lying on the ground, his face pushed harshly against the muddy soil. Silent tears are streaming over his face and he finds himself screaming for help and begging for mercy. But, he knows nobody will hear him in this dark forest except for the animals. He knows his father won't listen to him anyway.
The remaining parts of his already torn clothes are now lying on the grass, carelessly thrown aside. When Yoochun feels something hot and big nudge at his entrance, a turmoil of emotions explodes inside of him. He's squirming, trying to get away from his father even though he already knows he can't, screaming in fear and begging for mercy.
However, the excruciating pain that follows turns him into nothing else but a whimpering mess. His whole body is fighting, trying to get away, but he's pinned to the ground and there's no way he'd be able to escape this pain.
Yoochun feels his body breaking into two, the pain down his spine incomprehensible. With every thrust, the feeling of choking disgust and overwhelming hate only seems to grow. "N-no, please... daddy, please... please... please..." He's chanting the word 'please' like a mantra, like a grip in this world of chaos, but he knows that the way his words break, the way he seems to break with every thrust, only arouses his father more.
When his father finally comes in his slumped body, there's nothing left of him anymore. Yoochun knows he's permanently defect, his soul scattered into a thousand little pieces, each piece so small that nobody would be able to find the original place for it they'd wanted to glue him together.
"My dear son, my little boy, why are you so deliciously sweet?" the panting voice of his father is whispering into his ear and it fills him with nothing but nausea. He feels the warm tongue of his father slipping into his mouth, intending to play with his own tongue but Yoochun can't take it anymore. With all his strength, he's biting down, wanting this intruder to disappear from his body.
In the moment his father breaks the contact with his body, Yoochun finds himself scrambling back onto his feet, his vision swimming with dark spots, but he doesn't pay any attention to it as he starts to run. He's flailing but he doesn't care, doesn't even care about the liquid running down his legs, as he does another attempt to flee.
"Fucking little bitch, you dared to bite me?" Suddenly, it's another voice, the voice of a man he had seen only once in his life. Fear is flaring through his body again as he feels a hand catch his own hand, forcing him to stop. The grip on his hand is so excruciatingly painful that it forces Yoochun on his knees, begging for the man to stop squeezing his hand.
However, the man doesn't stop. He twists his hand mercilessly and the sound of his fingers breaking is lost in Yoochun's agonizing screams of pain. His whole body stops struggling as he lays on the ground, his hand throbbing so much that he's panting, tears running down his cheeks.
"Stop struggling or else I'll break more of your fingers. You want that to happen?" there's a sadistic smile on the face of the man whose name Yoochun had forgotten a long time ago. Breathing heavily, he's shaking his head though he honestly wouldn't know what he'd prefer: a pain ripping him apart from the inside, tearing at every corner of him or just the physical pain.
When the man intrudes him, his cock easily slipping inside the already created mess of semen and blood, Yoochun knows he'd rather have the latter.
~
"Changmin-ah, Changmin-ah," Yoochun is still crying when he finally has the courage to wake his brother up, "Please... please... just-just hold me."
When Changmin seems to understand him immediately, his strong arms curling around Yoochun's crying form, only then does the small boy realize how much his stepbrother has gotten to know him in the past month. He's shaking uncontrollably but instead of asking, Changmin just holds him close to his body, to his assuring heartbeat, while he nuzzles his nose into Yoochun's soft hair, whispering sweet little nothings to the scared boy.
----
A/N: Yeah, I fail in planning chapters, don't blame me.
Pairing: Changmin x Yoochun
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: When I close my eyes, they are mine.
Genre: AU, angst, drama, romance
Length: Chaptered
Warnings: Unbeta-ed, rape, incest, underage sex, twisted parentship.
Summary: ‘I love you’ soon becomes a meaningless phrase for Yoochun. His mother takes him more and more often to those strange friends of hers, sometimes leaving him and sometimes watching while those strangers do those things to him. She tells him it’s normal, she tells him he has to do it in order to prove how much he loves her. So Yoochun complies.
When his mother gets remarried, she tells her son he doesn't have to prove anything anymore. Yoochun thinks this is the end of the uncomfortable experiences but he's wrong. Things escalate even more when his stepbrother comes back from the army.
Chapter 1 // Chapter 2 // Chapter 3
The movements of his father are rough and Yoochun can only feel the fear inside him increase. His hands are desperately pushing and hitting, trying to create a space between their bodies, trying to create an opportunity for him to escape. His whole body is struggling to break free from the iron grip but Yoochun knows his desperate attempts are more painful to him than to his father.
He tries to scream, tries to cry for help, but his lips are still locked with his father's and the only sounds audible are his muffled screams, sounding exactly like the muffled moans of his father. Yoochun is too overwhelmed by fear that he doesn't even notice how his weak attempt at putting up a fight is turning Dongmin on even more.
His body is already moving, led to his parents's room filled with darkness, despite his struggling. Yoochuns breaths are uneven and raspy and the struggle causes a lack of oxygen for him, threatening to choke him, his vision swimming with dark spots. His thoughts are one big mess where nothing makes sense to him anymore and the only thing on his mind is to escape, no matter what.
When the kisses that seem to be never ending finally stop, Yoochun feels firm hands pushing his chest and even though he feels himself falling, he can’t stop the wave of relief flooding through him. There’s finally space between him and his father. When his butt makes contact with the floor, a small shriek escaping from his mouth, he doesn’t hesitate and the small boy finds himself on his feet barely a second later while he lunges for the door, every single nerve in his body screaming to him to escape.
He can see the light coming closer, the light from the hallway, the light of his freedom, and Yoochun is running as fast as he can, his survival instinct kicking in.
However, his hope is shattered when his wrist is caught by his father and a firm pull pulls him back to reality: he's still standing in the room of his parents, the open door a few metres further. "NO!" a desperate cry escapes from Yoochun's lips and he still tries to run, tries to yank his arm free from the threatening grip... But he already knows it's hopeless.
He hears his mother's voice, a soft and gentle voice yet Yoochun can't feel soothed by it, "Stop it, Yoochun-ah. Since when have you been this disobedient? You do remember what I've always told you, right?" Yoochun tries to ignore his irritation and frustration when he hears his mother moving closer, her naked body squatting before his eyes, her gaze fixated on his face. "You remember, right?"
And of course he remembers, of course does he realize what his mother had told him over and over again. He recalls all the times she had told him that he had to do it in order to prove his love for other people, to show that he had the courage to become a real man, to prove that he'd be man enough to be worthy of marriage, to be worthy of someone to love and protect.
He feels the hands of his mother unbuttoning his clothes and he doesn't even struggle, his eyes filled with embarrassment because of his childish behavior. His father is still holding his arm, placing another hand firmly on his shoulder and Yoochun doesn't know if it's an encouraging gesture or if he’s just making sure that his son won’t try to escape.
He has completely lost the will to fight, defeated by his own future, scared that he'd have nobody to love. Nobody who he could love and nobody who would love him. He wouldn't be worthy.
But then Changmin's angry voice cuts through his thoughts and he can hear his voice so clearly, so clearly that it almost seems real. Yoochun can hear his hurt voice with an underlying tone of anger in the car, asking him why he's thinking about other people when he had just been raped. Yoochun can hear his hurt voice, whispering to Jaejoong that he had seen his mother being raped and killed before his eyes by his own father.
His voice is so heartbreakingly sad that that it sends shivers down Yoochun’s spine.
And suddenly, Yoochun feels the power to fight again. To fight for his mother, to fight for his stepbrother, to fight for his family. His trembling small hands rest on her slender hands, placing a firm grip on them to stop them. His mother stops for a moment, giving him a scolding glance, but before she can say anything, he’s already talking.
“He-he-” Yoochun is ashamed of the trembling voice leaving his mouth. He knows he sounds as if he could snap into two pieces at any moment, he knows he sounds so incredibly fragile, so incredibly scared, but he continues anyway. He continues because he remembers the reason why he ran away from Jaejoong’s house. He continues because he knows he wants to save his mother no matter what. He lifts a shaky finger to point to his naked stepfather while he lowers the volume of his voice even though he knows Dongmin is able to hear them either way. “He... he killed his ex-wife. He killed Changmin’s mother. He raped her and killed her. Please, please, please, listen to me. Please believe me... I don’t want anyone to... I don’t want anyone to hurt you...”
Tears are brimming in his eyes as he looks at his mother, a pleading look filling his eyes. He doesn’t want to lose her, doesn’t want her to suffer, doesn’t want anyone to hurt this beautiful and precious person... His voice cracks when he opens his mouth once again but he doesn’t care; he only cares about convincing his mother, “I want you to be happy.”
“Listen to me, Yoochun,” his mother says, her voice soft and understanding. “I think you’re confused. I am happy. Dongmin-ah has never tried to hurt me and I don’t know what Changmin has told you... but you do remember what I have told you, right? You do love me, right?”
Her fingers continue the unbuttoning and Yoochun is too confused, his emotions and thoughts becoming a big turmoil. He doesn’t know what he has to do anymore, doesn’t know if he should believe Changmin or his mother... His eyes are staring at the dark floor where shadows are playing. He can see his own shadow, small and frail, his mother kneeling before him. It looks as if she’s preparing him for something big, a school play or maybe the first school day, as she straightens his clothes and buttons his shirt. However, Yoochun knows better.
Behind them, there’s another shadow. It’s a big and masculine shadow with broad shoulders and Yoochun already knows it’s his father’s. He stares at it intensely and when his father moves closer, his enlarged shadow towering over his own small body, Yoochun can see the shadow become one of the monsters in the dark he had always been so scared of when he was younger.
And that's when he becomes too scared.
That’s when the realization kicks him that his mother would never side with him, not even if his father would reveal his true colors. She would never pick him. She would never pick her son... And Yoochun realizes his dream for a happy and complete family had always been like a spinning toll. It was spinning and spinning. Sometimes, it would slow down a bit, wobbling dangerously, threatening to fall, threatening to shatter, before it’d gain its speed again.
However, from the beginning, it was bound to stop spinning. Just like his dream was bound to be hopeless.
That’s when his mind becomes an incoherent blur and he’s acting before he can think about it.
"Stop it..." he whispers, his eyes still fixated on the floor. His mother is still busy unbuttoning his clothes, her pale and slender fingers fast and skillful. He realizes how wrong his plan is, his plan to rebel and he knows he's never going to be loved again in this lifetime... but Yoochun doesn't know anything anymore, doesn’t know what's right and what's wrong, doesn't see what's the solution in this mess, the desperation and insecurity killing him.
"Stop it," he repeats, his voice louder and with more power, as he takes a shaky breath. Yoochun tries to gather all his courage, tries to continue his plan even though he knows it's not too late to retreat, even though he knows there's still a chance for him to be loved in this very lifetime.
"I told you to stop!" Yoochun screams, insecurity filling his body as he gathers all his energy to push his mother off of him. In this moment of chaos, where his mother loses her balance and falls on her ass, where his father is caught by surprise, his grip on his son’s shoulders loosening, Yoochun starts running towards the door, starts running towards the light while he starts screaming bloody murder.
His body finally leaves the room, the room of torture, but Yoochun knows he still has to escape the house. His small feet are running, running to his freedom but he can hear the footsteps of his father behind him. Yoochun is so scared, so scared of being caught that he speeds up his pace even more. He already knows this isn't going to end well before anything has happened at all.
When Yoochun loses his balance, when he misplaces his foot on the stairs, when he twists his ankle, when he loses his balance and falls down the stairs, Yoochun knows this is going to end bad either way.
In the moment he's flying in the air, in the moment before his body hit the concrete, Yoochun finds himself wishing that he could always feel so carefree, he finds himself wishing he could always feel as if he was flying through the sky.
He finds himself wishing for the pain to end.
For everything to end.
~
His whole body is hurting, every muscle throbbing and Yoochun is disappointed to find himself back to reality, back to this place filled with insecurities and pain. He hears arguing voices, voices he should be able to recognize but doesn't.
“No! I’ve told you already, you’re not going to do this again. You think I’m a joke? You think I’m the same boy from your memories? You think you can do the same things and still get away with it?” there’s a voice screaming so loudly that it fills Yoochun’s head, leaving him with an even bigger headache. The small boy wants to tell the yelling person to stop shouting, to take things easy but before he can find the right words, the man is already continuing, “And how about you? How about you? Isn’t he your son? How can you allow him to be used like this? Where’s your conscience? I can’t believe it, I can’t fucking believe it. You guys are exactly the same, where did you find such a great wife, dad? Where did you find such a great wife who was willing to sacrifice her own son for your needs?”
“Who are you to lecture me like this?” it’s another familiar voice. The voice had always been so sweet and soothing in his memories and yet, the feminine voice sounded angry right now. “Yes, he is my son. Can’t I decide his fate? I’ve always been the one who had to take care of him, can’t I at least expect him to give a little back? Am I not allowed to decide what he has to do?”
“God, you’re just thinking about him as an object, as a tool. I can’t even believe it, are you out of your mind? How can you think like that about a human being, about your own fucking son? How can you ruin your own flesh and blood with your own hands?”
It takes Yoochun a full minute to come out of his disorientated state, a moan escaping from his lips when he opens his eyes against the bright light. His head is pounding, his body is throbbing and there's such an unbelievable pain coming from his right hand that it leaves him paralyzed, every inch of his body screaming to go back to his unconscious state filled with bliss.
"Yoochun, Yoochun-ah, are you okay?" immediately, there's a worried voice besides him, the voice which had sounded so incredibly mad just a few seconds ago that the sudden change surprises the small boy. Yoochun squints his eyes against the light, turning his head to see a handsome face... For a moment, he doesn't recognize the man and he's panicked to realize he should be able to remember this stranger but doesn't. Fear is spreading through his throbbing body, leaving it cold and heavy just like a lifeless body, even though Yoochun knows he isn't dead yet.
"Ch-ch-ch-" there's a syllable stuck on his lips but Yoochun doesn't know what he wants to say... even though every nerve is screaming it to him. However, the word gets lost in the screaming voices and it leaves him with an even bigger headache.
The eyes of the man soften, but even though they become gentle, Yoochun is still able to see the furious gaze in them. Then the man stands up, towering over him, to speak to another man. This time, his voice is filled once again with loathe and disgust. “Don't think I'm done with you yet. I have witnesses who are willing to talk. You’d better get that arrogant smile of your face because you don’t know what kind of hell you’ll have to go through. Even if I can’t get you in jail, the proof I have will be enough to tarnish your reputation.”
“You know nothing about family, Changmin-ah,” there’s something hauntingly scary about the voice, “Maybe you can learn something from Yoochun. Who are you to make decisions for him? He isn’t your son nor your real brother. You think I’ll go easy on you just because you’re my son? Don’t kid yourself. The moment you step out of this door with Yoochun, I can go to the police and tell them you’ve kidnapped my wife’s son. You know I have money. You know a little bit of money can make experts believe Yoochun is suffering from the Stockholm syndrome, right? Do you even think he’ll take your side?”
There are footsteps, the sound of someone coming closer and a light breath is brushing Yoochun’s cheek, “You’d never betray your family, right?”
There’s fear flaring through his body and the small boy wants to move, wants to run away as fast as possible, but there’s something heavy on his chest, pulling him down. It takes Yoochun a few seconds to realize there’s nothing lying on his body, that it’s just the heavy pain suffocating him. He tries to get away but his body feels so heavy and useless that he can barely move an inch.
“Stop it,” a voice hisses and there’s the sound of a push, “Leave him alone. We’ll see who’ll become the winner of this battle. I don’t care. You can say that I’ve kidnapped your son, I don’t care. When I’m done with you, you’ll be wishing you’d have listened to me earlier.”
Arms are curling around his body and for a moment, Yoochun is scared he’ll throw up again. The lights are still too bright for him and he’s looking through squinted eyes to see the anger painted on Changmin’s face, a visual he’d never be able to get out of his head. His body is lifted and Yoochun finds himself wrapped safely in the arms of his stepbrother.
It’s been a long time since he has felt so safe.
His hand curls around the soft fabric of Changmin’s shirt and he’s inhaling his scent, the scent of safety and warm love. “Please don’t leave me,” he croaks, the fear dripping from his voice. “Please, don’t.”
~
There’s just so much relief when they’re finally in the car. Yoochun’s hand is already searching for Changmin’s, even though the latter is supposed to drive. When his small hand finally finds Changmin’s big hand, when he finally makes sure his stepbrother is still with him, only then is the small boy able to relax his tense body.
“God, what were you thinking? Why did you go back?!” Yoochun hadn’t expected the loud outburst of angry emotions next to him and he shrinks a little in his seat. Instinctively, he’s pulling his hand back, thinking his brother is too angry with him right now to be holding hands with him. However, his hand is caught mid air by Changmin and he wraps his big hand tightly around Yoochun’s. Changmin’s thumb is caressing his skin gently and this gives Yoochun more hope, hope that his stepbrother isn’t really mad at him.
Careful to avoid Changmin’s gaze, Yoochun looks out of the window, before answering, “I-I was stupid. I heard you talking to Jaejoong this morning and I-I-I was so scared he’d do something to my mother as well. I was stupid... she... she... she doesn’t care.” A dry sob is escaping from his lips. He feels like crying so badly, like sobbing his heart out, but even though his eyes are burning, they refuse to let tears fall.
“God, you really are stupid. Are you a masochist? There’s a reason why I’d never told you this...” even though the voice is speaking disapprovingly, Changmin’s hand escapes from his own to pat him softly on the head. He starts the car and when his car is on the road, his hand regains its firm grip on Yoochun’s before he continues, “What were you thinking? God, do you even know how scared I was for you?”
“I’m-I’m sorry,” Yoochun says, biting his lip as he continues staring out of the window, a guilty look painted on his face. “I didn’t expect daddy to be home. I thought... I thought I could save mommy. I thought... I could save my family.”
The small boy doesn’t notice the frustrated look appearing on Changmin’s face, his eyes still fixated on the road, but when the silence becomes almost unbearable, Yoochun is finally able to gather enough courage to face his stepbrother. “I know I’m stupid... but please, please, can you answer one question for me?” his eyes are begging Changmin and even though the latter is paying attention to the road, he gives a small nod. “Is it... normal. Please tell me whether it’s normal or not to... to prove your love for your parents. Please tell me whether it’s normal or not to have people in-inside you, to have it hurt this badly, to... to...”
He’s crying. He’s crying so badly that his whole body is shaking and trembling against his will, his hitching voice enough proof of the tearing realization of truth inside him. Yoochun already knows the truth, already realizes that the truth had always been under his nose... and yet, he had refused to believe it all this time.
Yoochun hears his own voice, a faint voice from his memories when everything seemed to be so much simpler, “How was your first time? Didn’t-didn’t you feel gross too? Didn’t it make you want to throw up too?”, immediately followed by the high and innocent voice of Junsu, “What are you talking about? The first time? I don’t understand you.” The small boy is still able to remember the expression of surprise of Junsu’s face, the expression of incomprehension. He should have realized something back then.
The voice of Junsu is followed by another voice, the voice of the person sitting besides him though this person hasn’t said anything yet. “Why are you thinking about other people when you’ve just been raped? Why are you ignoring your own feelings? Aren’t you... shocked? Disgusted? How can you forget this after a night of sleep? How are you even going to be able to sleep tonight?”
And Yoochun finally understands it. He finally understands the meaning of the word ‘rape’, finally understands that what he has been doing for the past years has been completely wrong, completely against the laws of morality. And yet, he’s still hoping that this isn’t the case. He’s hoping so desperately that it hurts just thinking about the possibility of him having done so many things so immorally wrong.
“It’s not normal, Yoochun-ah,” Changmin says, his eyes soft and his voice gentle. His world is shattering, falling to the ground, followed by his own body. He can feel himself falling into a black hole, one that never seems to end, one where he would never hit the ground. One where he would keep falling and falling, falling into the nothing. He can feel himself breaking, shattering, can feel the truth clawing at him, ripping him into countless little pieces of sin. “Please tell me what happened. Please tell me everything that happened. Let me help you... I can’t bear to see you like this.”
But Yoochun doesn’t know anymore, doesn’t know anything anymore, as the space seems to lack oxygen, as the space seems to become smaller and smaller, threatening to crush his already shattering body. His whole being seems to torn apart, this news hitting him in the very core of his soul and he feels like he’s crumbling away, crumbling into the nothingness.
He can see Changmin’s worried eyes fixated on him, on his moist brown eyes filled with confusion, fear and pain, on his trembling lips, on his shaking hands and Yoochun can see the panic on his stepbrother’s face. The car stops though he doesn’t realize it and before he knows it, Changmin is leaning forward, his right hand still clutching Yoochun’s left hand, while he extends his other hand to cup the wet cheek of the small boy.
“It’s okay... Don’t cry, I’m here for you now. Nothing will happen anymore...” Yoochun finds himself in Changmin’s embrace, in his strong embrace radiating warmth and safety, but nothing can expel the clawing and suffocating feeling of despair.
He can’t help but feel even more suffocated by the embrace, by the embrace that was supposed to be a sign of care and support but turned into a suffocating grip filled with expectations. When Yoochun tries to break free from the embrace, his hand lightly nudging Changmin’s shoulder, there’s a numb pain shooting through his right hand. Only then is it that he finally pays attention to it, a light “ouch” escaping from his lips before he can catch it.
When he finally takes a good look at his fingers, his middle and ring finger slightly bruised and swollen, Yoochun realizes he should have paid more attention to his injuries after his fall.
~
“What did you do, Yoochun-ah?” the sharp voice of Jaejoong sounds. The man immediately rushes forward when the two men step into the room, the tall one slightly distraught while the short one has his bandaged hand in a cast. The worried look on his face is killing Yoochun and his guilt increases even more when he realizes that Changmin’s friend skipped work for him.
“It’s nothing,” he mumbles, his face lowered as he makes his way past the handsome man. This feeling of being misplaced, of being unwanted, is filling him and this turmoil of emotions is too much for him to handle. He doesn’t know where he belongs anymore. His parents used him as an item, an item to fulfill their own needs. He felt misplaced in the hands of his stepbrother; he had been putting so much trust in him, so much faith, that he was clinging with both hands on Changmin. Yoochun knew he could be shaken off so easily, dropped somewhere to die alone, since there was no responsibility for his stepbrother. They weren’t even tied by blood. Besides, how could he leech off from his stepbrother and his friend for the rest of his life?
“Please leave me alone...” his voice is different, lower than usual, and he hates the vulnerability radiating from his weak voice threatening to break.
He hates his own vulnerability.
~
The only thing worse than crying your heart out, the only thing worse than thinking the tears will never stop, thinking the pain will never stop, is not being able to cry at all. Yoochun felt so much pain, so much confusion and pain that it devastated him, so much pain that he felt like breaking apart... so much pain that he could feel his eyes stinging with the need to cry.
And yet, all he could do was lie lifelessly in bed, his unfocused eyes staring at the ceiling.
His thoughts are somewhere far, far away, somewhere in the past. Only now does Yoochun realize what a fool he has been, how foolish he was for thinking he could become happy by seeing his mother smile. How foolish he was for thinking he could have a loving family, how foolish he was for thinking he could carry the responsibility for something like that.
He was a fool.
He was a fool for thinking his mother loved him. He remembered all those times she would tell him ‘I love you’. He remembered she would always tell him those three words when he had felt so thoroughly used and thrown away. He remembered how those three words - those three words which ought to give support, love and courage - lost its meaning for him.
He was a fool for thinking his father loved him. How badly he had been manipulated... How badly he had been used to fulfill the sexual needs of his father. Even Yoochun himself couldn’t believe it. His mind kept running back in time, rewinding, to find where it all had started, where it all had gone wrong.
It scared him that he didn’t even know when the manipulating had begun.
Yoochun finds himself thinking about his life, thinking how pathetic he had acted his whole life. He finds himself wishing he could go back in time to change his pathetic being into something less pitiful, something more powerful and admirable. He finds himself wishing he could make the pain disappear, this self-loathing feeling that overwhelms his body like poison and sets him on fire. Yoochun can feel the raging flames burn his body, he can feel them destroy him from the inside.
He doesn’t know how long he has been lying on his bed, his unseeing eyes refusing to tear focused somewhere on the ceiling. When he hears the creaking of the door followed with light footsteps, Yoochun can’t even find the energy to look who has entered. He doesn’t want anyone to see him like this, doesn’t want to look anyone in the eyes and see the pity there, the pity for such a low and unworthy being like him.
“Do you want to talk about it?” the voice of Changmin is soft and filled with understanding. It makes his heart cringe and Yoochun wants nothing else but shrink away in the mattress, wants nothing else but disappear from the earth. He still refuses to look his stepbrother in the eyes, scared that his own eyes are a gate to the turmoil of emotions inside of him. He’s scared to show his crumbled self to the world.
And yet, the feeling of comfort that fills him when Changmin places himself softly on the bed, is encouraging him to speak... The room goes silent again, the only sounds being the sound of their rhythmic breathing.
A minute later, Yoochun finds his mouth moving even though the voice leaving it doesn’t sound like his own. Even though he doesn’t seem to be able to control the flood of words leaving his mouth.
“The first time... the first time- it hurt so much, I couldn’t even wrap my mind around it. I couldn’t stop crying. I hadn’t expected something like this to happen at all but mommy... mommy said it was normal, she said everyone did it to prove their love for their parents. And of course did I love mommy and daddy... so it continued.
I disliked it. I absolutely loathed the feeling of being torn apart but I did it for my mommy. She told me I should do it to show her that I was worthy, that I was worthy to be loved. And I wanted to be loved. I wanted to love my mommy too, I wanted to see her smile genuinely, I wanted to see a smile on her face that would reach her eyes. I wanted to see the crinkles around her eyes, I wanted to see the dimples in her cheeks and I wanted to see a healthy complexion on her face. I thought my mommy’s happiness was more important than mine.
And to a certain degree, it made me feel happy when I’d see my mommy smile.
When she finally met daddy, your daddy, she told me I’d proven my love for her-”
“Wait, wait. Are you telling me you have been raped before your mother met my father?” there’s something so completely off in Changmin’s voice and when Yoochun finally finds the energy to focus his gaze on the eyes of his stepbrother, he finds himself wishing he hadn’t looked. The murderous glance in his eyes is enough to send cold shivers down his spine and the small boy doesn’t even know what to answer, scared that Changmin would run to their house to kill his father and mother.
A small voice is leaving his throat. He’s scared of the consequences but feels the undeniable urge to tell his stepbrother everything truthfully, “Yes.”
There’s a silent. One where the eyes of Changmin are staring at the wall with a murderous glance and Yoochun can practically see the lasers shooting out of them, causing Jaejoong’s apartment to break down. The small boy finds himself thinking that it was a good thing Changmin didn’t have this kind of superhero gift.
The atmosphere is so tense that Yoochun can barely stand it but when Changmin finally opens his mouth, it surprises Yoochun how calm his voice is, “Please continue. I won’t interrupt you anymore. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t make it so hard for you to tell.”
“That’s okay,” a faint smile appears on his face but he already knows that it lacks the genuineness of a real smile. Yoochun already knows it looks pathetic, a veracious reflection of his true self, “When I met your father, my mom told me I didn’t have to continue this interaction with unknown men anymore.
For a long period of time, there was nothing. But one day, daddy seemed so sad, seemed to think that I didn’t love him. He seemed to think he was an outsider, someone who wasn’t accepted in our family. I didn’t want him to think that... I wanted to have a big and happy family, one where everyone loved each other genuinely. So I wanted to prove my love for him... I was the one...” he hesitates for a moment but then finally finds his strength back, his strength to speak the truth even though he might look bad because of it, “I was the one who convinced daddy. I was the one who kissed him first. It’s only... only logical that daddy assumed things. It’s only logical that he continued what I started.”
“Your mother is just as messed up as my father, if not more,” There’s a disgusted look on Changmin’s face and Yoochun doesn’t want to think about the possibility that maybe, this disgusted look is meant for him. He feels so vulnerable and fragile, the only thing holding him together right now a thin layer of skin, while everything is just one big mess. He is one big mess. A mess who can’t find the power anymore to fight against this chaos of emotions and pain.
Changmin moves closer, his hand reaching out to touch Yoochun’s cheek but when his fingertips brush lightly against his cheek, the small boy finds himself flinching, trying to get away from the touch. There’s a faint blush on his cheeks, his ashamed eyes fixated on the floor. The slightest touch seems to be too intimate now that all the rules of society - or at least, what he thought to be the rules of society - seem to be fake. Yoochun feels as if he needs to learn everything about the world again. He doesn’t know anymore what’s right and what’s wrong, doesn’t know anything anymore in this huge mess.
Immediately, Changmin pulls his hand back and the look of hurt in his eyes is almost enough to kill Yoochun. “I’m sorry,” Yoochun whispers, his throat dry with embarrassment. His heart almost seems to jump out of his chest but he tries to ignore it, tries to think of other things to prevent his tears from falling. Why did he always cry at the wrong moments?
“It’s okay, I shouldn’t have... not after what happened,” Changmin says, his worried eyes digging into Yoochun’s. “How’s your hand? Is it hurting?”
“No.” Yoochun answered courtly. He had broken his middle and ring finger but he couldn’t care less - the numb pain was nothing compared to the hurt he felt inside of him. It actually felt nice to have this physical pain as a grip as it took some of his attention away from the mental pain. He was glad he didn’t have any other severe injuries especially since he wasn’t able to remember Changmin’s name when he woke up for the first time.
There’s a sigh of relief. “I’m glad. If there’s something you need, you can always ask me or Jaejoong. Please don’t hesitate. Please don’t... don’t... hurt.”
There’s another pause. Yoochun can practically see Changmin hesitating, he can practically see the want to embrace in his eyes and yet, the small boy does nothing but sit there lifelessly. “I’m not hurting,” he says, though he can’t even convince himself. Before he is able to catch himself, he has already said, “Please don’t blame our parents for anything.”
And he finally realizes how hard it is to change one’s way of thinking.
~
Yoochun doesn’t know anymore, doesn’t know how his body became so numb and cold, how his mind became so clouded, how his eyes seemed to sting and yet refuse to let any moisture escape. Only when his door opens once again with the careful question if he’s already sleeping, does the small boy notice how dark his room has become. He doesn’t answer the question though and just continues staring at the ceiling. He has the feeling he has memorized every little detail about it now: the exact placement of the lamp, the little bumps in the paintwork, the faint shadows created by light...
Time seems to tick backwards but he doesn’t seem to mind.
He has seas of time to think things over, to rethink his whole life. To see how wrong he has lived until now.
The past few days seem to have gone into a blur. Yoochun doesn’t remember anything of it, doesn’t remember the routine he has fallen into. Everything seemed to have come to him just natural.
“Hey, you should at least take a shower. God, you smell,” a voice is speaking to him. Something in the voice is so hilariously disapproving that it sparks something inside of him. “C’mon, go take a shower. Get a grip on yourself!”
Yoochun finds his body moving his limbs, making his way to the bathroom without him even realizing. Changmin has taken his hand, taken the lead, to guide him to the room. When they’re finally there, Yoochun’s lifeless eyes darting through the room he hadn’t seen in a while, Changmin takes the initiative to fill the bath tub with lukewarm water and soap. When the bath is filled, there’s a hesitating look in the eyes of his stepbrother, before he clears his throat, “Do you need help with anything? If not, I’ll just leave now.”
When another silence follows, Changmin is already getting ready to leave. His footsteps are sounding in the room and the small boy can already feel the body heat of his brother leaving him, removing itself away from him, when he finally finds the energy to raise his hand and grab the cloth stuck to Changmin’s sleeve. “I-I can’t,” he says, using his voice for the first time in days, “I can’t do this. My hand...”
Both their eyes drop to his bandaged hand, Changmin's lips forming a small 'oh', and the tension seems to increase only more when they both continue to stare at his hand. The silence seems to go on for ages though Yoochun knows it couldn't have lasted for more than a few seconds. He clears his throat nervously, "C-could you please help me?"
He's so scared. He knows he has to show his naked body in front of Changmin, knows he's going to be touched by Changmin, knows that this interaction between them is going to be way too close for his liking. Yoochun bites his lip, a worried look in his eyes, as his whole body has started to shake with the idea of this kind of intimacy with anyone.
"Don't worry... I won't hurt you. Hey, do you hear me?" Changmin says it clearly, syllable for syllable rolling out of his mouth, the gaze in his big eyes intruding Yoochun's. The small boy only manages to nod weakly but his complexion pale from fear is enough to betray him.
He had heard the words 'I won't hurt you' so often already... and they were always followed by a sharp pain down his spine, threatening to snap him into two pieces.
"You know what?" Changmin says while he stretches his hands out with the palms up, his eyes closed, "You can use my hands as yours. This is the newest innovation by technology, the Changmin Hands 1.0: they can be used every time you need an extra pair of hands. Satisfaction guaranteed or else you'll get your money back."
He carefully opens one eye, stealing a look from Yoochun's face, before he mischievously adds, "I won't peak."
There's a small smile on Yoochun's lips, probably the first smile in a long time. A nervous giggle escapes from his mouth and when his small left hand grabs Changmin's hand, guiding it slowly to grab the hem of his shirt, he can't help but say, "Geez, you're so silly."
~
Yoochun either has restless dreamless nights or nights filled with insommia. When he has the latter and finally manages to fall asleep, he's haunted by nightmares. Today was one of those nights.
The small boy doesn't remember falling asleep but suddenly, he's in a dark room. There's something so completely off but he can't put his finger on it... And then, the lights go on and Yoochun finally recognizes the environment; Dongmin's house.
There's something touching his leg, his bare skin, and when Yoochun turns his head, he sees his mother next to him, her hand stroking his leg. He’s stunned for a moment and when he finally finds the energy to run away, only then does realization sink in that he isn’t able to move his limbs. He wants to scream, wants to scream for help, but no sound leaves his open mouth but a raspy yet silent scream.
“I love you. You love me too, right?” the voice of his mother is panting, panting into his ear as she nibbles on his ear lobe. The small boy cringes, tries to get away from her but his limbs refuse to work along.
It isn’t even possible to move a finger. His mother moves closer, moves her mouth from his ear to his lips and before he knows it, they’re passionately kissing. His body is working without his permission.
His mother moans, loud moans filled with lust, and Yoochun feels his own fear turn into need. His arms are wrapped tightly around his mother’s body, squeezing the soft flesh, while his dream turns into an incoherent blur of sex, lust and need. Even he himself is surprised by his own craving to feel, to feel close to the person he loves, to feel something, something other than the incomprehensible pain.
He's surprised by his longing to feel real.
Suddenly, there are other hands around him. Hands that don’t belong to his mother. When Yoochun opens his eyes, his mouth still molded with his mother’s, the first thing that catches his attention is the face of his father. He’s pressing kisses on the skin of his face, a hand settled in the loose hair of his mother, while he continues kissing and touching Yoochun. Only then does he realize this isn’t what he wants.
His longing to feel real isn’t going to be fulfilled this way.
His hands are pushing, pushing the bodies away from his own naked body. He suddenly feels the need to breathe, the need to have room to think. Disgust is filling his small body as he realizes this is everything he had been thinking about at daylight, everything he didn’t want to repeat, and yet, he gave in once again. How could he be so pathetic?
Suddenly, the face of his father starts changing, starts to deform into something else. The shape of his face becomes smaller, taller with a sharp jawbone while the eyes become smaller as well, the double eyelids turning into monolids. The nose becomes higher, the lips thinner while a mole appears right above the upper lip. When the man smiles, a perfect smile with straight teeth, only then does Yoochun feel the fear take an immense proportion. His breathing speeds up, his whole body turning cold as he wants to run away.
However, he’s surrounded. There are countless people surrounding him, their faces hidden from his sight because of the angle of shadows, and yet... Yoochun knows exactly who they are. He sees the faint shimmering of a necklace with a cross, sees another man completely clothed in white while the feminine features of another man are clearly visible. When the person in white starts to laugh, a dimple showing in his cheek, the others soon follow. The laughing seems to bounce from the walls, echoing, filling his head with nothing but the sound of scary laughter.
They’re haunting him. Haunting him like monsters.
Yoochun knows he’s being haunted by sin. He knows there’s no way he could ever escape it.
When he finally startles awake, his eyes wide and teary, the picture of the dark shadows inching closer and closer to him still burned on his vision, only then does he realize that this vivid nightmare had only been a dream. Still, he can’t shake off the threatening feeling of being surrounded. His breathing is raspy and uneven while his back is covered with cold sweat. His eyes are darting through the dark room filled with shadows, scared that the man with the mole could pop out of the shadow in the corner of his room or that the man with the cross necklace would appear from behind the bookcase.
He bites his trembling lips while he embraces his shaking frame with his small hands. He knows his fears are based on nothing but when he closes his eyes once again, the image of those men slipping out of the shadows to make their way to him, to have their way with him, is flashing before his eyes. However, when he opens his eyes in shock, there’s nothing but darkness in his room.
Sleep won’t come to him again. He’s too scared to close his eyes again and his body remains rigid, fear clouding his mind. Tears are brimming in his eyes and he knows he’s on the verge of going insane; yet, it frustrates him he can’t do anything about it. It’s as if his unconsciousness is being controlled by his fears, crushing all the hopes for a recovery.
It takes him so much courage to get up, to slip out of his warm bed, to move his limbs to the living room where he can see his stepbrother sleeping in a light bundle of sheets. When he stares at his sleeping stepbrother, when he stares at his peaceful face, his long lashes, his perfect nose, only then does peace finally come back to Yoochun. He remembers how Changmin had helped him this evening; how he had tried to reduce the awkwardness as much as possible. Because, God, what had it been awkward.
They both knew bathing had been something unavoidable. They both knew how Yoochun reacted towards any physical contact, how any kind of intimacy could leave him trembling in fear. How even the lightest touch could make him cringe, could make him try to hide in the darkest corners of the room.
And yet, Yoochun couldn’t help but feel safe and treasured when he was with Changmin.
“Changmin,” a soft whisper is escaping from his lips before he’s able to catch it. He refuses to go back to his room, to the room haunted by monsters, and he stretches one of his hands to lightly nudge Changmin’s shoulder. His brother stirs a little bit, groaning in annoyance at this disturbance in his sleep, before falling back into his dreams.
A soft sigh escapes from Yoochun’s lips. He doesn’t want to bother his brother anymore and yet, he refuses to go back to the scary room. He tries again, “Changmin...”
“What is it?” Changmin mumbles sleepily, his eyes finally opening a little bit to look at the small boy in front of him. “What’s wrong? Does your hand hurt?”
“No... not my hand...” Yoochun mumbles. He wants to say that his heart hurts, that he feels so terribly lost in this whole world, that he feels like he’s struggling to prevent himself from drowning... but he’s too ashamed to let the words come out. Instead, he settles for a more childlike answer, “I can’t sleep.”
Changmin looks at him sleepily and a silence follows. For a moment, Yoochun finds himself thinking that his brother might have fallen asleep but instead, Changmin lifts his sheets, welcoming him with a soft, “Well, if you want, come here then.”
When Yoochun slips next to Changmin, feeling the warmth of the sheets and the body next to him, he lets out a sigh of relief. Changmin’s arms find their way around his small body at the same time his arms slip around his brother’s breathing form. Their legs tangle together and Yoochun finds his face pressed into the rhythmic heaving chest of Changmin. A blissful feeling of safety is overwhelming him.
Even though the couch is way too small for the two of them, Yoochun doesn’t care.
For a moment, his mind is finally filled with nothing but warmth and safety. The strong arms of Changmin are wrapped securely around him, protecting him from the dark shadows from outside, the sweet smell of the man putting his mind to ease while the sound of his steady and strong heartbeat is like a lullaby. A blissful sleep is soon welcoming him.
When Yoochun wakes up the next day and notices that Changmin has fallen off the couch, he isn’t surprised at all. He tries so hard to suppress his laughter when he wakes his brother up but can’t when he sees the confused look in Changmin’s eyes.
That’s the first time in days a carefree laugh is escaping from his lips.
~
“You look so much better, Chun-ah,” Jaejoong says, bringing his spoon to his mouth. It's early in the morning and they're eating their breakfast. Changmin has already left for whatever business he actually had; Yoochun knows his brother is looking for a job, for an apartment and there was even something about a lawsuit.
He hates to hear that his brother has gone this far for him, for just a small and unimportant boy. His left hand is clutching his own spoon awkwardly, bringing it shakily to his mouth, before he admits shyly, "I actually feel a lot better as well."
They're both smiling before they continue eating their breakfast, Jaejoong's gaze fixated on the newspaper.
"Hyung?" Yoocbun nervously clears his throat. There had been something he had wanted to know for days and yet, he hadn't had the guts to ask anyone. When Jaejoong looks up, a curious gaze in his eyes, he asks, "What is this... about a lawsuit? Could you please explain it to me?"
"Mm..." Jaejoong mumbles while he continues eating. For a moment, Yoochun thinks that he won't get an answer. For a moment, he thinks the man is careful to answer these kind of dangerous questions around him. However, to his big surprise, Jaejoong opens his mouth, "Well, I can't tell you everything since this is really complicated... But let's just say that Changmin is willing to do anything to ruin his father. He'd gladly take your mother down as well."
"W-why?" the question is already leaving his mouth before Yoochun is able to catch it. He has seen his brother angry only two times, both times at their parents, and he knows how scary Changmin could be. And even though the small boy feels so betrayed by his family, his heart is already worrying about his parents.
"Don't you understand it? When will it finally dawn on you, Yoochun?" the same frustrated look as Changmin's appears in Jaejoong's eyes and the small boy can finally see how much the two are actually alike, "They have both used you mercilessly. You're not the only one who has been ruined by them either... Have you seen yourself lately? It's just becoming better but really, I've never seen anyone so cheerful become so lifeless in less than twelve hours. It scared me to death, Yoochun-ah...
Listen to me. Your and Changmin's parents are bad people, do you understand? Your mother... she doesn't care about people, only about money. Your father is a murderer, a rapist, even a pedophile in this kind of sense. Changmin... he is a lot like you. You've both been incredibly hurt by the ones you love and yet... you still continue to love. I can't imagine the confusion you're going through right now but please, think about things carefully and don't lose yourself in this mess... Changmin and I are always there for you; we'll help you through this."
There's something about those words so undeniably real that Yoochun feels assured and yet, a little bit scared too. He's scared that his parents are going to suffer, that Changmin would do everything to win this battle.
"I-I don't want my parents to be in pain," he whispers softly, his voice trembling, "Please don't hurt them..."
"Why are you so selfless? How can you still say this after everything you've been through? To be quite honest, we're standing strong in this case. We have a third party who's willing to witness and companies rivalling Dongmin's are really eager to destroy his carefully built reputation. You probably didn't know but your stepfather is quite a big name in the industry. Even if we don't win this case, he's going to suffer huge losses and his rival companies have connections everywhere. I'm sure they would be able to blow this up to immense proportions."
"No..." the words are already leaving Yoochun's mouth as he begins to shake his head desperately, "No. I-I don't want mommy and daddy to suffer. I don't want Changmim to turn into a-a monster who hurts other people. I want my family to be happy..."
"How can you still say that? After everything you've been through? Why are you wishing happiness for the people who mercilessly took that same happiness away from you? Changmin isn't becoming a monster - he has acted lenient enough towards his father a few years ago when his mother was killed. He could have done the same thing as now back then but instead, he chose to run away to his own world. Thus he joined the army. He was ready to go on with his life when he returned, to pretend like nothing happened even though the hate was burning him from the inside, but then he discovered about you.
He discovered how a pure and innocent child had been used, ruined, by his own father - someone you hold no blood ties with. But Changmin did. You can't imagine how ashamed and angry he felt... So ashamed towards you, a child without a childhood, and so angry towards himself and his father for something this disgusting to happen again.
Yoochun-ah, you're one of the most selfless people I've ever known. However, you should think about yourself as well. Don't waste your time thinking about the happiness of your parents when they're people who don't deserve it. Think about yourself; forget your past, forget about those cruelties, and start over again. Learn to love yourself more because, please, you're totally worth it."
~
They're haunting him, the very same monsters. His clothes are torn, hanging uselessly on his shoulders, but he couldn't care less. He's running barefooted through the woods, his bare feet making contact with the dewy grass. It could have been a beautiful feeling of freedom, had he not been followed by his parents.
His mother is yelling for him, desperate yells to make him stop, and Yoochun knows for sure he would have if his father hadn't been beside her. His short legs continue running towards the dark wood where the trees are so incredibly high. He has a hard time breathing and he's scared for the dark but he continues anyway.
However, his short legs cannot outrun the tall legs of his father and he feels a hand close around his wrist. A startled sound escapes from his mouth but he still tries to yank his hand free, tries so desperately to escape his fate. However, his father is too strong for him.
Yoochun soon finds himself lying on the ground, his face pushed harshly against the muddy soil. Silent tears are streaming over his face and he finds himself screaming for help and begging for mercy. But, he knows nobody will hear him in this dark forest except for the animals. He knows his father won't listen to him anyway.
The remaining parts of his already torn clothes are now lying on the grass, carelessly thrown aside. When Yoochun feels something hot and big nudge at his entrance, a turmoil of emotions explodes inside of him. He's squirming, trying to get away from his father even though he already knows he can't, screaming in fear and begging for mercy.
However, the excruciating pain that follows turns him into nothing else but a whimpering mess. His whole body is fighting, trying to get away, but he's pinned to the ground and there's no way he'd be able to escape this pain.
Yoochun feels his body breaking into two, the pain down his spine incomprehensible. With every thrust, the feeling of choking disgust and overwhelming hate only seems to grow. "N-no, please... daddy, please... please... please..." He's chanting the word 'please' like a mantra, like a grip in this world of chaos, but he knows that the way his words break, the way he seems to break with every thrust, only arouses his father more.
When his father finally comes in his slumped body, there's nothing left of him anymore. Yoochun knows he's permanently defect, his soul scattered into a thousand little pieces, each piece so small that nobody would be able to find the original place for it they'd wanted to glue him together.
"My dear son, my little boy, why are you so deliciously sweet?" the panting voice of his father is whispering into his ear and it fills him with nothing but nausea. He feels the warm tongue of his father slipping into his mouth, intending to play with his own tongue but Yoochun can't take it anymore. With all his strength, he's biting down, wanting this intruder to disappear from his body.
In the moment his father breaks the contact with his body, Yoochun finds himself scrambling back onto his feet, his vision swimming with dark spots, but he doesn't pay any attention to it as he starts to run. He's flailing but he doesn't care, doesn't even care about the liquid running down his legs, as he does another attempt to flee.
"Fucking little bitch, you dared to bite me?" Suddenly, it's another voice, the voice of a man he had seen only once in his life. Fear is flaring through his body again as he feels a hand catch his own hand, forcing him to stop. The grip on his hand is so excruciatingly painful that it forces Yoochun on his knees, begging for the man to stop squeezing his hand.
However, the man doesn't stop. He twists his hand mercilessly and the sound of his fingers breaking is lost in Yoochun's agonizing screams of pain. His whole body stops struggling as he lays on the ground, his hand throbbing so much that he's panting, tears running down his cheeks.
"Stop struggling or else I'll break more of your fingers. You want that to happen?" there's a sadistic smile on the face of the man whose name Yoochun had forgotten a long time ago. Breathing heavily, he's shaking his head though he honestly wouldn't know what he'd prefer: a pain ripping him apart from the inside, tearing at every corner of him or just the physical pain.
When the man intrudes him, his cock easily slipping inside the already created mess of semen and blood, Yoochun knows he'd rather have the latter.
~
"Changmin-ah, Changmin-ah," Yoochun is still crying when he finally has the courage to wake his brother up, "Please... please... just-just hold me."
When Changmin seems to understand him immediately, his strong arms curling around Yoochun's crying form, only then does the small boy realize how much his stepbrother has gotten to know him in the past month. He's shaking uncontrollably but instead of asking, Changmin just holds him close to his body, to his assuring heartbeat, while he nuzzles his nose into Yoochun's soft hair, whispering sweet little nothings to the scared boy.
----
A/N: Yeah, I fail in planning chapters, don't blame me.