confused about what I want
I'm wondering about a lot of things lately. I don't know what's really going on in my life. I had a binge day yesterday big time. I was doing well yesterday until mom made muffins. Something snapped and I started to eat massive amounts of muffins. *grumbles* Then I felt guilty, which made me want to eat more. Uggs. I hate binges. It doesn't really help that everything feels kind of temporary and unsettled in my life. I like a little bit of this, but now it's massive. I'm trying so hard to hold stuff together when I know I really should just let what's going to fall down go. But the thing is I don't know what's going to fall.
Is it going to be things with Josie? That's in the beginning stages and I need to quit trying to define it. Because defining it is going to kill it by putting too much pressure on it. But me being mandy I want to have some security, but as I sat back and thought about it he's becoming a really good friend to me. He's working his way into my inner circle with Wendy. This makes me happy because there are so few people that I open up to anymore. I'm a friendly person and when I'm around people I can make it seem like I'm opening up when I really haven't. I need to learn to be happy with what I have now and not try to pressure it. I guess it's because I want stuff to happen I want to find that mate and settle down. But I really really need to be careful this time and get to know the person and see what happens. I need to learn some more patience and being in the moment. Right now I need to back off a little because I'm feeling some real claustrophobia which probably means I'm starting to freak out out of fear of losing him and am starting to cling. Clinginess is bad generally. It's really bad when I do it though. I'm annoying as heck when I focus all energy on one person.
We had a talk about stuff yesterday and I guess everything is settled away, but I'm feeling confused. It's my own stuff I know. Part of it is that things are going slow which is good because I'm getting to know him before I get bound to him. I mean usually I'm bound emotionally by physical stuff that happens and then I try to build a friendship and I can't because I can't back off from the sex stuff. But right now I'm having problems because my past has showed me that when a guy is interested in me he's all over me trying to get in my pants or else he just wants to be my friend. So, I'm trying to adjust to this situation where a guy is attracted to me and likes me yet is holding off on taking it anywhere else. I think this is a situation where I got what I wanted but it's weird. I want everything I guess.
I want balance and now I have someone that honestly cares about me and I'm scared that it's not going to turn into anything. What is it? Is it a relationship, friendship, some weird hybrid? I guess part of the problem is the fact that I've never really had a relationship that started as friends and progressed. I've always went into relationships knowing that I want to be that guy's girlfriend and got physical fast and emotional and companion stuff didn't grow. I guess maybe I wanted someone so bad that I clung to whoever was there. I know now that I don't have to do that because I was alone for awhile and I was fine. I did what I wanted I was happy. I can be happy alone, lonely yes, but I can be content and function alone. I don't have to have a boyfriend to be happy. I don't need it really even, but it's good to have the intimacy. I think I want that more than anything is the intimacy, the closeness but I love commitment. I love feeling like I'm special. I want to be the ONE. But then I don't like being too tied down. *laughs* I'm weird.
Is it going to be things with Josie? That's in the beginning stages and I need to quit trying to define it. Because defining it is going to kill it by putting too much pressure on it. But me being mandy I want to have some security, but as I sat back and thought about it he's becoming a really good friend to me. He's working his way into my inner circle with Wendy. This makes me happy because there are so few people that I open up to anymore. I'm a friendly person and when I'm around people I can make it seem like I'm opening up when I really haven't. I need to learn to be happy with what I have now and not try to pressure it. I guess it's because I want stuff to happen I want to find that mate and settle down. But I really really need to be careful this time and get to know the person and see what happens. I need to learn some more patience and being in the moment. Right now I need to back off a little because I'm feeling some real claustrophobia which probably means I'm starting to freak out out of fear of losing him and am starting to cling. Clinginess is bad generally. It's really bad when I do it though. I'm annoying as heck when I focus all energy on one person.
We had a talk about stuff yesterday and I guess everything is settled away, but I'm feeling confused. It's my own stuff I know. Part of it is that things are going slow which is good because I'm getting to know him before I get bound to him. I mean usually I'm bound emotionally by physical stuff that happens and then I try to build a friendship and I can't because I can't back off from the sex stuff. But right now I'm having problems because my past has showed me that when a guy is interested in me he's all over me trying to get in my pants or else he just wants to be my friend. So, I'm trying to adjust to this situation where a guy is attracted to me and likes me yet is holding off on taking it anywhere else. I think this is a situation where I got what I wanted but it's weird. I want everything I guess.
I want balance and now I have someone that honestly cares about me and I'm scared that it's not going to turn into anything. What is it? Is it a relationship, friendship, some weird hybrid? I guess part of the problem is the fact that I've never really had a relationship that started as friends and progressed. I've always went into relationships knowing that I want to be that guy's girlfriend and got physical fast and emotional and companion stuff didn't grow. I guess maybe I wanted someone so bad that I clung to whoever was there. I know now that I don't have to do that because I was alone for awhile and I was fine. I did what I wanted I was happy. I can be happy alone, lonely yes, but I can be content and function alone. I don't have to have a boyfriend to be happy. I don't need it really even, but it's good to have the intimacy. I think I want that more than anything is the intimacy, the closeness but I love commitment. I love feeling like I'm special. I want to be the ONE. But then I don't like being too tied down. *laughs* I'm weird.